Got a mountain???

"I think I can..."

"I think I can..."

"I think I can..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The little engine that could...did!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you're not familiar with the story of the "Little Engine that Could", it's a cute little children's story about an train engine that was trying to climb a mountain. As the mountain began to peak, the little engine began to lose strength, stamina, and energy, thus causing him to lose his confidence in his ability to make the uphill journey.

Depending on the version of the written story, the little engine basically tells himself he can't make the mountain. Negative thoughts begin to flood his mind and he begins to believe the lies that he isn't capable of  finishing hit journey.

"I'll never make it."

"It's too hard."

"I can't do this."

"They were right! I'm not good enough."

"Why do I even try?"

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The way we think (and speak!) about ourselves does matter. 

The way we think (and speak!) about our situations does matter.

The way we think (and speak!) about the people around us matters.

The way we think (and speak!) about our future really does matter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next time you encounter a mountain in the path before you,

and are tempted to say, "This is JUST TOO BIG!!!"...

I pray that you would remind your mountain

just HOW BIG YOUR JESUS IS!!!

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt...you can also say to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done." Matthew 21:21

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And when the voices and your thoughts say...

"I can't do this!"

"This is too hard!"

"I'll never make it!"

...then you remind yourself that...

"I can do ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST

 who strengthens me!!!"

Philippians 4:13 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The "Little Engine that Could" finally DID climb that mountain!

He didn't give up! He spoke up and talked to himself!

He spoke to the doubts and said...

"I think I can!" He said it more than once!!!

He kept going forward! (Despite wanting to quit!)

He made it!!!!!!!!

and

so

will

you

IF

you 

DO

NOT

QUIT!!!

Engraved and Tattooed

"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; 
your walls are ever before me." 
Isaiah 49:16 NIV
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Behold, I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of) you on the palm of each of My hands; [O Zion] your walls are continually before Me." (Amplified)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Look, I've written your names on the backs of my hands.

The walls you're rebuilding are never out of my sight." 
(The Message)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*ENGRAVE-

To carve, cut, or etch a design or letters into or
To impress deeply as if by carving or etching
Synonym: tattooed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever gotten a tattoo? 
If not, I'm sure you know someone who has.


I know many people, including myself, who have gotten tattoos to symbolize their love for another person. I guess in a way, you could call it a "love wound". We choose to sit through the irritation/pain of a tattoo so that we have a "memorial" of a memory or a person. Years ago, I made a very spontaneous decision to get initials engraved on my body. I SOOOOOOO regret it now, as that person no longer holds that special place in my heart.



The verses above in Isaiah speak of God's love for His people in Israel. He wanted them to know that He wouldn't forget them because they were engraved into the palms of His hands. The verse before speaks of a nursing mother who forgets who baby at her breast, yet God will NEVER forget.

In the New Testament, Jesus bore "love wounds" for us.



This verse in Isaiah could also be true of Jesus' death and Resurrection on the cross. Every whip that tore open His skin was because of His love for you and I. Every drop of blood that was shed was for you and I. Every pound of the hammer driving the nails into His hands was allowed because He loves you and I. Every thorn that pierced Jesus' scalp was embedded for you and I. 


 Every breath of air He gasped for was for you and I.

Jesus had "love wounds" for us,
yet He will never regret it...
He will never say,
"Oh man, why did I do that?"
He will never deny you...
or say His sacrifice was a mistake...



Lately, I've been worrying and having anxiety over my kids, but God brought me back to this verse. If He loves me enough to let His only Son bear "love wounds" for me, wouldn't that mean He loves me AND my children enough to take care of us. Isn't God still big enough in our lives to take care of the small and big circumstances around us???



I've always told Dylan that he can't trust and be afraid at the same time. He has to choose to trust that God will keep him totally safe when he falls asleep, or else He chooses the believe the enemy's lies and is afraid. Trust and fear are opposites. He gets that and now is calling me to make the same choices. 


 "Mom, if you're afraid, you're not trusting..."

...hmmm...out of the mouths of babes...



Today, I choose to relinquish control of my children and place them back into the arms of my Heavenly Father who holds and can protect them better than I ever can. I choose to trust that God is still in control and still has a plan greater than I can ever imagine. I choose to believe that I will walk in the wisdom and counsel of God because I have the mind of Christ. I choose to stand with the sword of the Spirit in my hand, and quit cowering with fear and doubt. I choose to declare God's promises over myself, my children, my finances, my job, my house, our futures and God-given destinies. I choose to remember the "love wounds" my Savior bore for me, and to keep looking forward and up! In the name of Jesus Christ, I stand!

~engraved in His palms~

Where's the "line"?

Where do we draw the line in the sand?

In a place where it's comfortable for us?

Or in a place where God says to draw the line?

And then with so many versions of the Bible, do we look for the version that gives us permission to do what it is that we want? The version that justifies it's o-kay. It's not like we'll lose our salvation. At least, not with that one decision. Maybe down the road, we could, but, you know, we'll stop before it gets that far.

Where's our hearts?

Where's our integrity?

Where's the character in all of that?

Where is our fear of the Lord?

If Christians are supposed to be light in this world, then why do we make excuses for our reason of molding to the ways of this world? When does it end? Are we willing to stand up, and sweat blood, to declare I WILL NOT COMPROMISE!

Most of us aren't. Honestly.

We'll stand until it gets too hard and then we cave into it. Why? What keeps us from truly turning our backs upon something and never going back? What is the key? What is the issue we need to "get" in order to do that?

I'm totally talking to myself as well.

I'm just overwhelmed this morning with so many questions and scenarios of situations people have shared with me in the past month.

I don't "get" it. I want to. I really do.

I want to "get" it for me! I want to "get" it for you!

I want the "key"!!!

I want the "thing", whatever that "thing" is, that helps us to get out of our complacency of a luke-warm life of simply surviving in a mound compromised decisions.

What is it going to take????

Just my huge mound of thoughts this morning!

Oh ye of little faith...

I have spent the last week with my stomach in knots and my teeth gritted. My faith weakened as I allowed fear to grip my heart. The Dr. took a piece of my bone to biopsy one week ago. He gave me the name of a disorder he was pretty certain I had, and told me that it would require another surgery. I had to wait until today to get the results back... It was a veeeeerrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy long week!

I was pretty confident last Monday...

By Saturday evening, I was falling apart!

I was afraid. I felt alone. I had dreams of the doctor telling me I had cancer. I allowed my thoughts to wander to the worst case scenarios. I was angry. I was uptight. Blah, blah, blah.

I finally quit talking to people because I was irritated that I had to retell the story over and over about what was going on. I did NOT want to tell one.more.person.one.more.detail...

Needless to say...

I wasted a week worrying...

and fretting...

over nothing!!!

The results came back this morning, and praise God!!! NOTHING more needs to be done! I do have some mouth thing going on, (with a realllllyyyy long technical name) but unless it decides to grow, I will not need any treatment or surgery. I will have a re-check in 6 months, and after that, once a year.

On the drive home from the clinic, the verse "oh ye of little faith" came to mind. I was afraid of the results. I was afraid that I would sink and not be able to stand. I was afraid that the storm would overtake my comfy little boat and crumble with the waves...

Most of all, I was afraid that Jesus was not big enough to get me through whatever the unknown held. I said I trusted, but when it came down to it, I allowed fear to take over.

Very sobering...

BUT VERY GRATEFUL God came through

despite my lack of faith!

"O ye of little faith"...arise & trust me!!!

Start believing...

Start believing...

Romans 4:16...the promise comes by FAITH...

Romans 4:18 "Against ALL hope, Abraham IN HOPE believed..."

Romans 4:20 "...Yet he [Abraham] did NOT waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in His faith & gave glory to God.

Romans 4:21 "Being FULLY persuaded that God had the power to do what HE PROMISED!

Genesis 15:6 Abraham believed the Lord!

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Start declaring...

Matthew 18:19 Again, I tell you that if 2 of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.

Matthew 21:22 "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man, this IS IMPOSSIBLE, but WITH GOD, ALL THINGS are POSSIBLE!

Get aggressive!

Get aggressive...

You can sit back and twiddle your fingers, getting trampled on by your circumstances and the enemy, OR you can be active and aggressive in PRAYER, and receive the victory and the promises that are RIGHTFULLY yours because of Jesus Christ!


Matthew 11:12 And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force

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Start demanding...

Like it or not, believe it or not, we have an enemy who wants to steal, kill, and destroy from you! You can agree or disagree, but the fact is that there is good, and there is evil! God vs. Satan (Devil). If he can keep you from believing that he exists, or even from believing that God exists, then you've already been defeated! Sorry, true story. We don't need to focus on "Oh, no, Satan is big and horrible and...", because TRUTH is that the very spoken name of Jesus Christ crushes him. Yes, he does things to wreak havoc, BUT my God is BIGGER!!! MORE powerful! MORE effective!!! When you speak the Word of God, the Bible, you are not only praying God's Word back to God, you are also defeating your enemy.


Here's the amazing thing! He's already been defeated! If you are a child of God (accepted Jesus into your heart), then 1 John 4:4 says, "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."


Once you realize the things you are believing are lies (because the truth is the Bible!), you can claim this verse and start demanding your repayment. Proverbs 6:31 "If he (a thief, which is what Satan is) is caught, he MUST pay seven fold." THAT means He owes you EVERYTHING that He's stolen or has tried to steal from your life: health, children, joy, marriages, friendships, love, jobs, finances, etc. PLUS MORE!


Call forth... Romans 4:17 ..."He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed- The God who gives life to the dead & calls things that ARE NOT as IF THEY WERE!

-------------------------------------------

Get violent!

Get violent...

Do you want what God has promised you?

Are you praying for it?

Are you seeking HIM?

Do you desire MORE in your life?

Are you tired of the ups and downs?

Do you get tired of doubting the voice of God?

Are you tired of wavering back and forth in unbelief?

Have you lost your joy in the journey?

Are you tired of fighting day in and day out with YOURself?


God has MORE for us! More than just waking up, doing life, and ending our day in sleep. He has VICTORY here on earth for us! He has JOY unspeakable! He has PEACE! He has FULFILLMENT for us...NOW, not just in eternity.


I don't know about you, but I WANT IT!
I WANT ALL THAT GOD
SAYS I CAN HAVE!
HERE...& NOW...TODAY...AND FOREVER!

You need to speak to the storms in your life TODAY. You need to aggressively go after it in prayer. You need to tell the devil where to go...directly back to hell. You need to saturate yourself in the Word of God. You need to take God AT HIS WORD and quit letting others tell you what you SHOULD BE doing. You need to get so close to God that you KNOW His voice without a doubt!

How do you do this? You open your Bible! You read your Bible! God's Word doesn't return void (Isaiah 55:11) which means that it WILL accomplish what it says it will. Every scripture you read or post or pray MAKES A DIFFERENCE in the Spiritual realm. EVERYtime. NO exceptions.

Ephesians 6 describes how to put on the armor of God. Read it. Memorize it. Use it. Do it. It mentions the sword of the Spirit being the Word of God. Picture a battle with swords. A sword can pierce. A sword can slice. A sword is a weapon. Sword of Spirit=Bible...get it? Speak the Word of God OUTLOUD!!!

God has already won this battle for you! He has already defeated your enemies! He has already given you those things you have asked Him for! When Jesus died on the cross, He said, "It is Finished!!!" Done. Completed. End of story. Declare scripture back to God. Jesus is the One who said it. He doesn't lie. He wants YOU to believe it and receive it and declare it!

In our own strength, we can do NOTHING, but God's power, the resurrection power through Jesus Christ, can do EVERYTHING!!! Search the Bible on how God "showed up" and how Jesus performed miracles. Look at these verses on how the Holy Spirit "showed up". He came with force. Speak boldly and "show up" in prayer with a heavenly violence through Jesus Christ!


Acts 2:1-3 ¹When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. ²Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. ³They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them.

-----------------------------------

Acts 16:25-26 About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. ²⁶Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose.

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Struggles...but TRUTH!

Some days I still struggle...
-----------------------------------------------
I struggle with being "wanted".

I long to be "important".

I struggle with wondering if anyone reads what I write.

I question if I make a difference.

I wonder if God is hearing my prayers.

I wonder if God really plans to do
what He says He would do.

The list of "wonder..." and "struggles"
could go on and on...

BUT THAT is where I usually stop...

because I know if I don't...

I will begin to believe all of those lies...

THAT's what they are!!!!

LIES, LIES, LIES

God says HE CHOSE ME!

God says HE DOESN'T LIE!

God says I MATTER TO HIM!

God says HE ACCEPTS ME!

God says HE HEARS MY PRAYER!
--------------------------------------

How do I know???

The B-I-B-L-E tells me so...

I CHOOSE to believe it as 100% truth!

So when the devil tries to tell me...

LIES LIES LIES LIES

I tell him....

TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH

about who Jesus says I AM TO MY DADDY!!!

I still believe...

What do you do when you grow
weary or faint from waiting?

Do you cave or do you despair?
Do you begin to question?

Does your faith waver?
Do you begin to blame?

Do you seek Jesus and desire His arms?
Do you run to His embrace?

Will you still believe even though you don't see?
Will you still hope even though you have none?

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is being SURE of what we hope for
and CERTAIN of what we do not see!

Rejoice!!!!!

Pain hurts... Whether it's physical, emotional, or spiritual battles we have to face.

We aren't called to deny our pain. God doesn't expect us to be "emotionally-put-together-wanna'-be's." He doesn't want us to put on our "happy-go-blessed" costumes as we go on our daily visits to the masquerade ball of life. He doesn't expect us to be the "strong Christian" that the religious spirit of the "church" has so often silently demanded.

So...if we aren't supposed to "pretend" to be o-kay, then WHAT are we supposed to do???

The first part of Romans 5:3 says: Not only so, but we^]">[b] also rejoice in our sufferings....

Romans 12:12 says: Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

You may be thinking, "You're kidding me, right???"

How in the world does a person rejoice or be joyful or patient when it feels like someone has shredded their heart into a million pieces??? How do you rejoice when your circumstances are screeeaaaaammmmmming ...........PaIn...pAiN....PaIn..........How do you say, "Yes...please bring more suffering so I can rejoice alllllllllllll the more!"

I'll tell you how....

IF you go to God with your pain...and IF you lay your burdens at the foot of the cross...and IF you cry out to God through the pain.....

THEN....He wraps HIS peace around your heart! He takes your brokenness and gives you beauty for your ashes! He takes your burden and rains down upon you comfort and love and HOPE...

It's NOT the pain that makes us joyful...but rather the hope that we find in the midst of our storm. The peace that surpasses all human understanding dwells in and around us. It's the joy of watching God transform your pain into peace. It's the pain that draws us to our knees which brings us closer to God. It's the KNOWING you get of realizing that God cares specifically for YOU individually.

So, let me get this straight....

1. I get pain
2. I go to God with it
3. I get a one-on-one meeting crying session with God.
4. He gives me peace
5. I can find joy in that?

YEP!!!

I have to be honest. My heart is absolutely breaking right now!!! I didn't receive the reaction I expected from the man I WILL be married to again. I got rejected and "shot down"...and that breaks my heart. There is so much pain in that....BUT EVERYtime I run to God, I leave my "prayer corner" feeling comforted, more peaceful, and re-assured of the promise God gave me of reconciliation to this man.

Circumstances do NOT define God's promises!!! EVER!!! Unless we let them! See, the best thing is that the enemy (satan) keeps throwing wrenches of circumstances into this situation...BUT EVERYtime something happens, it simply causes me to run to God more...Hello?????

Pain=getting closer to Jesus=more prayer=more defeat of enemy!!!

Hmmm...looks like God always wins when we deal with life's pain this way!!!

I KNOW what God has told me!!!! Therefore, I WILL BELIEVE it despite what circumstances say!!! AND THEN it WILL be accomplished!!!

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Luke 1:54

Sooooooo...with all that being said,

I will..."also rejoice in [my] sufferings.... because [I] know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance (produces) character; and character(produces) hope. Romans 5:3-4

ALL things are possible!!!

ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE...

Do you believe that? Do you live like you believe that? Do you dream like you believe that? Do you want to believe that???

Somewhere in life, I taught my 9-year old that "with God, ALL things are possible!" Not some things, not certain things, but ALL things!

For quite some time now, he repeats that phrase quite often. If someone says, "Well, I don't know Dylan...that may not happen...", Dylan is quick to speak...

"ALL things are possible!"
"ALL things are possible!"
"ALL things are possible!"

Oh, the faith of this little boy...

About 2 months ago, I tried to correct him...you know...to help him not to be so disappointed in life. If you were a mouse in my house, this is the conversation you may have heard...

Me: "Dylan, you know how you say 'all things are possible'? Well, that's not really true. Only some things are possible..." I told him, as I thought about the disppointments in my own life. I tried to justify how God doesn't always do what we think He should do, and not everything gets "fixed" in life like we'd hope.

Dylan: "Um, mom...the Bible says, 'with God, A-L-L things are possible!!!" He stood firmly planted on that truth, which was embedded in his heart.

Me: "But sweetie...but God doesn't always make things possible..."

Needless to say, I was quickly rebuked. I could imagine Peter being in Jesus' presence, hearing Him say, "Get behind me Satan..."

Dylan: "MOM- You are trying to break my faith and make me believe something I know is NOT true! The Bible SAYS...WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE and THAT is what I believe. Now, I don't want to not respect you, but please do NOT talk to me about this anymore. I have child faith and you need some too. I love you, but please don't break my faith!"

Alrightie then..."God, please help my son when He is soooooo disappointed with You."

Hmm...God was quick to speak to me..."Where is your faith???"

Mark 10:14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Matthew 11:25 ²⁵At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.

It is time for the wise and the old to stand and become little children of faith! Since that day, God has been asking me to dream again. To hope. To have faith for those things that look impossible. To have faith WITHOUT wavering. To believe and NOT doubt. Are you and I willing to STAND and believe DESPITE what our circumstances look like???

If the Bible is true....which I believe it is, then this verse has no exceptions!

Jesus looked at them and said,
"With man this is impossible,
but with God all things are possible."
Matthew 19:26

What faith can do...

What Faith Can Do...
by Kutless




Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache

You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Grateful!

Wow, it seems like an eternity since I've been able to blog. For me, it's so different than journaling on my computer. Not sure why, but it is.

This has been a tough six months, BUT I'd do it again in a heartbeat because of all I've learned and the ways I have grown. For those of you who have followed my tweets, you have been able to share in some of those, but mostly only hints of events have been shared. I look forward to sharing with you the things I have learned in my time "away" from my computer:)

The boys and I moved at the end of October. As I shared before, it was a "total God move". Each step and moment of the way left me on the edge of my seat because I had NO clue where I was going, how I was going to move, and who was going to help me move. All I knew was I needed to move. My trailer was cute and it was home, but I needed to get my finances in order, and therefore, that meant downsizing into something more affordable.

Since our move, we have officially "settled in" and made this apartment our new home. The boys had to change schools, and leave behind what was familiar to them. Dylan adjusted quite well from the beginning. Zach...he's an 8th grader and this was hard for him! The struggles have been huge and heartbreaking, but they have also strengthened my faith, and pushed me out of my comfort zone as well! Ha, love being on the edge of the "nest" with God telling me to fly:)

My car died, and that took away my freedom to "go" whenever I wanted. I went through a little depression and had my pity party, and now back on the up-swing of life. I have been writing a lot and spending a lot of time in God's presence. There has been some relationships in my life that have been severed and strained, yet I press on, trusting them to God.

Change is hard, but necessary in this thing we call life. God does take us into His arms exactly as we are, but He loves us enough not to leave us that way! He takes us out of the miry clay, cleans us up, so that we can help others out of that same pit. Praise God that someone went before me so they could help pull me out!

I have learned a lot about God and His character during this time. I have had some incredible revelations concerning His love, and lately, the authority He has given us in Christ Jesus! I love the journey I've been on even though it's been difficult...

I have also been drawing more, sewing more, and singing more. My drawing has shifted a bit, not sure what to make of that, or where that is headed, but it's cool. There are so many things God is showing me, and I have to be careful not to go before Him and jump ahead. THAT is fun, fun.

I'm just glad to be back. I thought I would be writing a profound post once I sat down, but as I sit in my chair, clicking on the keyboard, I just feel grateful to have this opportunity again. I am silenced by His mercy and grace...just thankful for all He's done for me in the time I've been away. I will share some pics at the end (just because I can!)

Well, thank you to those who prayed and encouraged and stood beside me. You guys ROCK! Love ya!

BTW, I opened my other blogs back up, so feel free to check them out as time goes by. Not sure what direction my "Heaven Designed" blog is going, but prayerfully will continue "Letters to God". Until TOMORROW (squeal!), toodles:)

Our new pet- Rhino:)

One of the drawings I did

Another drawing

Of course, our Christmas tree!
A couple weeks ago, Dylan
got baptized (will share more later)

Abba Father! Daddy???

This summer has been a turning point in my family's life and in my relationship with God. Let me tell you a story about two boys, two daddies, and a mother on a mission to answer the question... "who is my DaDdY?"

I know who my earthly father was: A man who Satan used to steal the best years of my childhood through abuse, drugs, and alcohol, yet was used by God to give me life. A man who I feared greatly, yet he stood on my pedestal. A man who wounded my heart deeply, yet held my heart so captive with love. A man who left my family time and time again, yet never left my heart...

You know my story: Abused as a child, grew up seeking love through sex, alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, and self-mutilation. My earthly father committed suicide when I was 15. I sought out male acceptance through many different avenues, the main one being shallow physical relationships acquired from a night on the town. Finally settled down, had two kids which Dr.s told me was never possible, and eventually got married, only to find myself in divorce court 4 years later.

I've been a Christian for many years, but there has always been an aspect missing in my relationship with Christ. An element of love that I couldn't receive because of my woundedness and my determination to never get hurt again. The element of being able to forgive myself and bestow grace upon myself. The journey of never "feeling" good enough or worthy in the sight of God.

Well, if you have followed my journey from the beginning or for awhile, then you have seen me work through some of those issues, one bite at a time. The epiphany of revelation from God zaps me, and in turn, I blog about it. I figured I had come pretty far...and of course, I had...but God wanted more...

He wanted me to learn how to dive into the ocean with trust and faith that I have never had to have before. He wanted me to give Him control of ALL of me, not just those things that are comfortable to give up... He wanted my broken of all brokenness, and my deepest hurt of all times, and wanted to transform it into something beautiful...

This summer became the start of another chapter of my life's legacy...

I started the summer with two boys, an ex-husband who was father to both our boys, and by the middle of summer, I ended up with two boys, and an ex-husband who was now father to only one of our boys, and a man from my past who actually fathered my other son.

WHAT??? Did I lose you??? Welcome to the story of the middle of my summer!

My past rose up from the grave and tried to destroy me, my children, my ex-husband, and our lives as we knew it. Now, it is the beginning of fall, yet we all still remain standing! Praise God!!!

To make a long story short, I had a weekend encounter with a man 14-years ago, that we found out this summer, through a paternity test, to be my son's father. A man, who thought of this boy as his son for 13 years, now had to share him with another man who was robbed thirteen years of a son's he didn't know he had.

Throughout the summer, Zachary came to know and love his birth father, only to have him taken away a month later. Dylan has been trying to find meaning in the midst of the chaos, and trying to figure out where he stands and how he fits into the mix. My ex-husband, has been dealing with several emotions I can't even begin to comprehend. The birth dad, now behind bars for poor life choices, suddenly lives with regret and pain because he is separated from the only son he has. And me???

Well, I have grown... and been stretched...and am learning to forgive myself... and have drawn into a deeper relationship with God. I have had to trust, and let go. I have had to look the people I have hurt in the face, and admit some of the most difficult things of my life. I have seen the amazing sovereignty of God as He has reached down from heaven and planted each and every detail of my life and my children's life.

As my 13-year old angrily had to question, "Um...who is my dad? and how did this happen???"...

As my 9 year old has dealt with, "Why don't I have two dads? Is Zach still my brother?" and the many more questions a 9 year old has...

As I look into the faces of everyone whose lives have been affected because of my poor choices many years ago, I have had to cry out, "Abba Father!!! Daddy???" and realized that I didn't know God as my Daddy... I knew God as I did my earthly Father... "loved him, but scared to death of him"; "feeling abandoned by Him when life got hard..."

How was I to teach my boys the love of the Perfect Parent- Father God- a dad who never left, if my view of Him was super distorted and "off"? Thus, another journey began...

Stand tall today! Be encouraged today! Rest in the arms of God today! He's big enough and He can handle anything!!!

God is so good....

Let me just say how awesome God is! What the enemy wants to destroy us with, the Lord will take and totally transform it into something beautiful. We try to plan our course, but GOD determines our steps. He truly does know what He's doing. He truly does have the blueprint of our lives in His hands. His timing is perfect! The details are so specific, it can blow one's mind.



Throughout the years, I have "beaten myself up" over certain mistakes from my past, not ever believing that God could ever make something beautiful of them. He has 100% proved me wrong these past two weeks. He cares sooooooooooooo much about you, about me, and about the details of our lives! God will go out of His way to prove that HE IS ALL KNOWING, ALL POWERFUL, EVERYWHERE PRESENT, in the details of our life.



Be encouraged tonight... Those things that you think God will never ever redeem- trust me, He will. The mistakes you can't believe you ever made- He will use those too. The words that are written in His word about "God having a plan for your future"- yep, they are true!



If you are in a situation where darkness seems to be prevailing, DO NOT lose hope! Be strong and take heart! Be courageous! God is mighty to save! The battle does belong to the Lord!



I wish you could see how much God loves you! I wish I could see how much God loves me! As I think about all the details of my life, I am beginning to see a glimpse of His love for me!

...and it is AWESOME!

God is awesome!

Whispers...& a little therapy:)

God is so good:)

Even in the midst of the situation I am facing, God continues to remind me how faithful He is to my boys and I.

For the past three weeks, I have been "mentoring" a woman who is dealing with a lot of "junk" right now in her life because of decisions she has made. As I have shared my stories with her, the Lord, in His sovereignty, has brought back an issue from my past that needed to be dealt with. As I share encouragement to this woman, I believe God gently whispers to my heart, "Will you believe that for yourself and for your situation?" Oh, the people of God we would be if we only could/would take our own advice! *Big grin*

I stopped by Kelly Combs' (Chatty Kelly) blog today and she compared herself to Rocky Balboa in her recent post. He kept fighting even when he continued to be knocked down. I believe we get stronger every time we get back up from a "slam" that the enemy throws our way. It also makes me think of Paul in the New Testament of the Bible when he talks about "fighting the good fight; pressing on; forgetting what is behind; putting on the armor of God...and then STAND"; and so forth.

This was a man who had to, not only tell others to fight, but I believe He also had to convince Himself that He was a new creation! -Not the old guy who killed Christians- I don't know...I could be wrong, but when I think of Paul, I think of the man he used to be before he met Jesus...and then I think about how many books of the Bible he actually wrote, and how many people's lives he had to have impacted, and wondered how he got over his own feelings of a past full of regrets. Whew! (major run-on sentence, yet that is how I think of him). He is definitely a man who conquered in God's kingdom, and therefore; could encourage others because He truly made it over those "mountains" in his life, leading others to the freedom that Jesus Christ offered because HE HAD ONCE BEEN IN CHAINS, in more ways than one.

So, as God brings back this situation in my life, while I am mentoring this woman, God also whispers His peace, assurance, and "heart knowledge" that He truly will help me every step of the way, AS I follow His direction and guidance.

Refining fire? Oh yes.
Is it hot? Oh yes.
Painful? Oh yes.
Lifechanging? Oh yes.
Worth it? YES, because I know this is another thing that God will use, (is using), to mold me into more of His image.

So again...I declare: God is still on the throne, He's faithful, His timing is ALWAYS perfect, He is a father to the fatherless, and a husband to the husbandless, and He will never leave me or forsake me, so...do I really need to spend so much time worrying and fretting about every detail? No...I don't think so.

(Besides I think in this past week, I have gained 20 more grey hairs...SERIOUSLY! ha, and I just dyed my hair 2 weeks ago)

I thank God for wonderful prayer warriors and for ALL the people He has brought into my life! *Sniff, sniff...this girl couldn't be more blessed:) (I really tried to cry to give you the full effect of my "sniff's", but ya know, I'm bone dry in the tear department, and my heart feels a little too light to drown it with tears before I go to bed.)

So, before I go, let's all say it together, "My name is __________ and I'm DONE worrying too much! I cast all my cares upon the Lord and I won't take them back. He knows every detail of my life, and will take care of those things which I cannot control. God, I trade you my burdens for your peace, and I won't even feel guilty for not 'sulking' over this situation in my life. I will be thankful today and rest in your loving arms! Sigh...(Take a deep breath...) Thank you Jesus! Amen.....(Another deep breath)

There.

Now doesn't that feel better???

Weekly Ramblings

Adios to another week past, and aloha to the coming week before me... Thank you for the encouraging words from my last post. I love you gals:)

Wow, this -very emotional- week is over! Whew!

And, another -very emotional- week is on its way! Oh my!

But God is still the same God I served and praised when my life was smooth sailing. He still remains on the scene: clearing the unnecessary debris from my path, prepared to attend to the emotional wounds of my heart, ready and quick to work, being well-equipped to handle each and every crisis part of His plan that comes my way. Hallelujah!!!

I look back at the past 7 days, and feel like I totally wasted my time worrying and filling my heart with anxiety. The "what if's" and the "why's" and the doubting of my past forgiveness ruled my mind. Or so I thought...

I drew closer to God this week. I kneeled more at HIS throne. I fasted for the first time. I drew and did more artwork than I have in weeks. I sought out scripture after scripture. I talked on the phone less and spent more time in the Word of God seeking His peace and presence. I stayed home more, visiting more with God than with friends. I made more home-made meals for my family because we weren't out "running around".

I can look at all the things I did wrong this week (which would make me feel defeated), or I can look at all the ways God used my actions to draw me closer to Him.

My poor friends feel neglected as I haven't spend much time on the phone or in person with them. BUT, I am ALWAYS on the phone, seeking THEIR advice, THEIR comfort, THEIR direction, THEIR thoughts...This week, I sought those things directly from God...even though I have AMAZING friends!
God has truly blessed me with amazing people in my life, yet this week, the only One I wanted to spend time with was HIM!!!

The time I spent filled with worry and anxiety totally was not necessary; however, I had to spend time with God until His peace "shot down" those negative feelings.

Anyone who doesn't think God has a sense of humor really needs to walk a week in my shoes. I love the fact that God ordains things perfectly!

Friday, July 3, I woke up and started a new medicine to help me to stay awake throughout the day. (For whatever reason, I was tired ALL the time, and had to nap EVERY single day in order to even function). Within an hour of taking it, I was feeling great, filled with energy, and ready to go, go, go! Within an hour and 5 minutes, I received a phone call that shook my world.

Within two hours, I was totally ready to sleep and hide away in my dreams. Sleeping has also always been my comfort, my way to "cope with life. When life gets hard, I sleep...

Ha!!! So the past week, I have been wide awake, forced to deal with the issues at hand, face myself and my past...(did I mention I had to do this being "wide awake"???) It's funny because one day I really just wanted to sleep and take a nap. I lay on the couch while my boys entertained theirselves (they're 9 and 13), and forced myself to sleep. It took me a half hour to fall asleep and I only was able to sleep for 40 minutes. THAT totally is NOT me (without meds). I usually lay my head on the pillow, say, "Thank you God for sleep", and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, I'm out, no problem.

So, God totally ordained the fact that He wanted me to deal with life this week, instead of sleeping through it:)

Are you tired of reading yet? I'm tired of writing:) I need a nap! (lol, just kidding...well...not really)

Ahhhh....God is good. Despite whatever comes out way, God is good! He's beside us through it all. Even before it even touches us, God weeds out the worst of it, and lets the rest enter our world. That means that He totally knows what He's doing, He knows how He will use those things He allows into our life, and God knows that the enemy will not be able to destroy us or our testimony through the things he tries to throw at us. The key is staying near to God, listening to His heart, and seeking the God who created us. Jesus Christ died for our transgressions, and for our guilt and shame and condemnation...therefore, by us holding onto those things which He has already forgiven us of, we are saying, "Sorry, Jesus, the blood You shed isn't good enough for me. I'm just tooooo bad. You're going to have to shed more blood in order to cover my faults."

That totally sounds insane and insensitive, yet we do that more often that most would admit. It may not be worded the same, but our actions say, "I can't be forgiven," therefore, canceling out what Jesus did on the cross... Learn to walk in the forgiveness and grace that God offers through the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ...

So, as I face another week of unanswered questions and uncertainties, I choose to draw nearer to God, (and also back to my friends). Thank you God for Your unfailing love and for walking in front of, beside, and behind us in this journey we call life...

In His awesome Grip, Heaven

Ahhh...the edge of the nest

I have been listening to Joyce Meyer AGAIN over the past few days. That women and I have a "love/hate dislike" relationship. Oh, I just LOVE her to pieces, but I hate dislike the idea that her words "tweak" me soooooooo much.

In reality, I don't dislike her; I dislike the uncomfortable place on the edge in the nest of my comfort zone where her words nudge me. Ahhhh...but the end result is so liberating!

It is on the edge of the nest where we the platform of trust in our God is birthed and nurtured. It is also on the edge of the nest where we perch preparing for our flying lessons in life. It is there where we develop confidence that when we jump, our Heavenly Father will catch our fall, and not let us be destroyed if our wings aren't mature enough to make the complete journey. It is there where we (time and time again) depend on HIS instruction and direction to fly into the unknown.

I have read (and referenced) the story of Peter walking on the water in Matthew 14 many times. Yet this morning, God, once again, wants to use it to illustrate a point. The disciples see Jesus on the water. Jesus says "Don't be afraid. It is I". Peter says, "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water."

Peter is on the "edge of nest", preparing to have his faith AND trust journey strengthened.

Jesus says in verse 29 "Come".

That's all He says.

"Come".

If you are at the edge of the nest today, then your Heavenly Father is smiling at you, cheering you on with His love, holding out His arms to you, and saying "Come."

Just as Jesus caught Peter when he started to sink, so too will He catch you if your wings aren't quite strong enough for the flying lesson before you. But you never know how strong they are until you spread your wings and soar in the wind.

Isaiah 40:30-31
(New International Version)

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Protector...

God is so good! There have been a couple times in the past year where I could have totally messed up my world as I now know it by different choices made. Each time, I cried out to God for answers...

...and each time, He gently answered..."no".

So...what else can a woman, trying to live her life for God, do?

"O-kay God, you obviously know what You are doing...I choose to trust You, even though my heart is breaking in two..."

Sacrifice...

Obedience...

Trusting...

Believing in the ONE who only wants the best for me AND my children!!!

Today, I received just a glimpse of some of the reasons to my many questions of "Why?"

God protects, brings life, and restoration...

The enemy prowls around like a lion seeking to devour us and destroy our lives...one inch at a time...until he has wreaked total havoc in our lives.

When God says, "Don't even open that 'door' an inch!", it's because sometimes that is all it takes for the enemy to sneak in and begin working terminal chaos in your life!

God is my Protector!

God protects my kids!

Lord, I thank You for being patient with me when I questioned the "why's" so many times. You never blew me off or treated me as if my questions didn't matter. You simply took the time, comforted my bleeding heart, and reassured me that You knew what You were doing. THANK YOU so much that You spoke loudly through my heart with the Word of God, as well as through other people whom You gave wisdom to. I am so sorry for doubting and for the "pity parties" I threw for myself. Thank You for loving me and my children so much to be our Protector. Keep me wise, please Father God, keep me wise... Sweet Jesus, thank You for holding us in the shelter of Your wings...