October 11, 2017

birthing pains

"I'm going home now."
"I changed my mind. I'm done thanks."
As silly as it sounds, this is what I said DURING labor with both of my boys. Of course, I had already been IN LABOR for quite some time, but I was so exhausted of the excruciating contractions. They came and went and came and went and came and went and felt like they were NEVER-EVER-EVER-EVER going to end!!!


Are you going through "labor pains" in your life right now? Are you ready to throw in the towel and "go home"? Have you changed your mind and decided this "baby" isn't worth it anymore?

Breathe! Find your focal point again! Remember the promise God gave you! Breathe again! Focus! Rest in between "contractions". Breathe again! 

Are you fighting for a marriage? A prodigal family member? A promotion? Finances? Healing? Restoration? A ministry? A loved one's salvation? A relationship? A child?

At the end of the labor process with my children, it took all my energy just to focus on my breathing, and to rest in between contractions.  If I focused on the pain, I couldn't focus on my breathing. If I couldn't breathe, I couldn't work through each contraction as it came. I had to be reminded to slow my breathing down. At times, I even had to be reminded how to breathe because I would begin to panic. When I panicked, my baby's heartbeat would go down. 

Yet, if we stop in the middle of the "birthing" process, we never get to hold the "baby" God has promised us: the restored marriage, the prodigal returning home, the teenager coming back to God, the financial blessing, the job promotion, the healing, the ministry, etc.


I write. I aspire. I dream. I believe. I hope. I breathe. I persevere. I persist. I advance. I try. I succeed. I hug. I share. I love. I think. I find my way. I get back up. I forgive. I accept.

I doubt. I despair. I sigh. I fail. I fall down. I isolate. I give up. I recede. I hide. I withhold. I despise. I sin. I step back. I lose ground. I stumble. I lose my way. I bleed. I hurt. I judge. I condemn.

Some days, I look in the mirror and my reflection seems to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

Other days, my reflection only condemns, judges, and points out every flaw.

Lately, I've had to face some things with my son that are difficult. Past decisions I made out of fear and selfishness. Breaking his heart. Causing him to feel abandoned. Giving up when I should have pressed on. Then declaring it was God's will...

I'm having to face my heart issues, unveiled, naked, vulnerable, and without excuse...unmasked...

...knowing I can't fix it...I can't make it better...I have to trust God to fix it...to soften his heart...to help him forgive...to help him go forward...

He's broken. He's angry. He has a right to be. I told him when he was little, "Mommies never give up on their babies..."

..."But I did." 

May 7, 2017

I babble...often in fact!

I fail. Often in fact. I let people down. I lose the trust of those I love. I fail.

I love. Often in fact. I love with everything in me. I love too much sometimes. I love.

I try. Often in fact. I try until I give up. Sometimes I don't try hard enough. I try.

I seek. Often in fact. I seek until I stop. I need to seek more. I seek.

I laugh. Often in fact. I laugh until I pee. I really need to laugh more. I laugh.

I withhold forgiveness. Often in fact. Mostly from myself. I need to learn to forgive myself. I withhold forgiveness.

I text. Often in fact. I text all day long. I encourage people through my texts. I text.

I paint. Often in fact. God has given me a gift. I don't always see the gift. I paint.

I write. Often in fact. On computer or on paper. I need to write more. I write.

I analyze. Often in fact. Always asking "why?" or "when". I need to trust God more. I analyze.

I hum. Often in fact. I'm constantly humming something. It annoys some people. I hum.

I give. Often in fact. Mostly unacknowledged. I'm o-kay with that. I give.

I take pictures. Often in fact. I take at least one picture a day. I like it. I take pictures.

I dream. Often in fact. I dream big and bigger and best. I don't know what to do with them. I dream.

I hope. Often in fact. Even in the worst of times. I have to. I hope.

I pray. Often in fact. I talk to my Heavenly Father, my Papa. He sustains me. I pray.

I babble. Often in fact. To anyone who will listen. Kinda' like now. I babble. 

birthing pains

"I'm going home now." "I changed my mind. I'm done thanks." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As silly as it sounds, ...