November 30, 2017

I walk forward

This journey can be hard as I try to navigate my way through life. Sometimes I walk blindly, not knowing which way to turn. Sometimes I walk knowingly, yet still wander without direction.

I have walked purposely despite my ability to see clearly. Most days, all I know is that I am walking forward. Slowly, if I must, but forward yet the same.

I don't know where I'm going, but I choose not to give up. When the condemning voices scream, "You'd be better off dead," I kneel and cry, "Jesus!". When situations arise, I am shaken, but return to a standing position. When the darkness invades my emotions, I scramble to find light.  I have to. I have to survive. That is my only choice.

Despite all that comes my way, or the demons I fight, my only choice is to continue to arise! I have to. For me. For my kids.

I walk forward. Blindly, at times, but forward nonetheless.

Depression and anxiety clutch to my being most days. I feel plagued by the emotions that try to daily drown me. It's a journey I wish upon no one. One I can't explain if I wanted to. Every day is different, yet strangely the same. A situation could bring it on or my world could be perfectly still...yet it lingers.

I've spent years praying it off. I've been medicated. I've been in therapy. I've read hundreds of self-help books. I can't make it go away. I can't pray it away. I can't read it away or take enough pills to make it go away.

So I embrace it. And continue praying. And continue seeking hope and peace in the turmoil of the storm. I continue to seek Jesus as the author and finisher of my faith. I continue to seek His relief and His strength. I continue to praise Him for the good days and praise Him for the bad days.

I hang onto the hope that these bad days won't always remain. I walk forward and breathe when relief comes. Hope. Day by day. Moment by moment. I know I am not alone. For that, I am grateful. My Jesus is constant and ever-present, even when I'm not.

October 11, 2017

birthing pains

"I'm going home now."
"I changed my mind. I'm done thanks."
As silly as it sounds, this is what I said DURING labor with both of my boys. Of course, I had already been IN LABOR for quite some time, but I was so exhausted of the excruciating contractions. They came and went and came and went and came and went and felt like they were NEVER-EVER-EVER-EVER going to end!!!


Are you going through "labor pains" in your life right now? Are you ready to throw in the towel and "go home"? Have you changed your mind and decided this "baby" isn't worth it anymore?

Breathe! Find your focal point again! Remember the promise God gave you! Breathe again! Focus! Rest in between "contractions". Breathe again! 

Are you fighting for a marriage? A prodigal family member? A promotion? Finances? Healing? Restoration? A ministry? A loved one's salvation? A relationship? A child?

At the end of the labor process with my children, it took all my energy just to focus on my breathing, and to rest in between contractions.  If I focused on the pain, I couldn't focus on my breathing. If I couldn't breathe, I couldn't work through each contraction as it came. I had to be reminded to slow my breathing down. At times, I even had to be reminded how to breathe because I would begin to panic. When I panicked, my baby's heartbeat would go down. 

Yet, if we stop in the middle of the "birthing" process, we never get to hold the "baby" God has promised us: the restored marriage, the prodigal returning home, the teenager coming back to God, the financial blessing, the job promotion, the healing, the ministry, etc.


I write. I aspire. I dream. I believe. I hope. I breathe. I persevere. I persist. I advance. I try. I succeed. I hug. I share. I love. I think. I find my way. I get back up. I forgive. I accept.

I doubt. I despair. I sigh. I fail. I fall down. I isolate. I give up. I recede. I hide. I withhold. I despise. I sin. I step back. I lose ground. I stumble. I lose my way. I bleed. I hurt. I judge. I condemn.

Some days, I look in the mirror and my reflection seems to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

Other days, my reflection only condemns, judges, and points out every flaw.

Lately, I've had to face some things with my son that are difficult. Past decisions I made out of fear and selfishness. Breaking his heart. Causing him to feel abandoned. Giving up when I should have pressed on. Then declaring it was God's will...

I'm having to face my heart issues, unveiled, naked, vulnerable, and without excuse...unmasked...

...knowing I can't fix it...I can't make it better...I have to trust God to fix soften his help him help him go forward...

He's broken. He's angry. He has a right to be. I told him when he was little, "Mommies never give up on their babies..."

..."But I did." 

May 7, 2017

I babble...often in fact!

I fail. Often in fact. I let people down. I lose the trust of those I love. I fail.

I love. Often in fact. I love with everything in me. I love too much sometimes. I love.

I try. Often in fact. I try until I give up. Sometimes I don't try hard enough. I try.

I seek. Often in fact. I seek until I stop. I need to seek more. I seek.

I laugh. Often in fact. I laugh until I pee. I really need to laugh more. I laugh.

I withhold forgiveness. Often in fact. Mostly from myself. I need to learn to forgive myself. I withhold forgiveness.

I text. Often in fact. I text all day long. I encourage people through my texts. I text.

I paint. Often in fact. God has given me a gift. I don't always see the gift. I paint.

I write. Often in fact. On computer or on paper. I need to write more. I write.

I analyze. Often in fact. Always asking "why?" or "when". I need to trust God more. I analyze.

I hum. Often in fact. I'm constantly humming something. It annoys some people. I hum.

I give. Often in fact. Mostly unacknowledged. I'm o-kay with that. I give.

I take pictures. Often in fact. I take at least one picture a day. I like it. I take pictures.

I dream. Often in fact. I dream big and bigger and best. I don't know what to do with them. I dream.

I hope. Often in fact. Even in the worst of times. I have to. I hope.

I pray. Often in fact. I talk to my Heavenly Father, my Papa. He sustains me. I pray.

I babble. Often in fact. To anyone who will listen. Kinda' like now. I babble. 

January 8, 2016

Blogger junkie

I used to be a "blogger junkie fanatic". Spending hours trying to accumulate followers. Being defined by the number of comments. Feeling crushed when someone quit following me. Offended if I commented on someone's blog and they didn't even return the favor or thank me.

I used to spend hours reading blogs. Coming up with the perfect comment that would make everyone else wonder "Who is this wonderful woman?". Ha! I would comment and comment and comment on many blogs, visiting every blog I followed daily, seeking new opportunities to draw people to my blog....

After all...I was ruled by numbers. I was defined by the amount of visitors that stopped by my blog. I was smitten by comments left. I would be offended when someone stopped following or if they didn't put as much effort into my blog as I did theirs. I became sad and crushed when my sitemeter numbers were down.

THEN...Beccah & April Rose happened! I got 1,000s of visitors a day!!! I made an impact in the world of blogging. I was noticed! Eventually, that subsided.

I was important...well, kinda'...ok, well noticed anyway:)

I eventually grew out of my need for numbers. The number of followers no longer defined me. The number of comments (or lack of) didn't offend me anymore. I didn't need to run to the computer all the time to see if I impacted someone (good or bad!). BUT...

I also couldn't do the meme's anymore, or the "link-ups", or the awards, or any of that. Not because I didn't want to...but my perspective and direction had changed. I was writing for an audience of "one"... my King! And His "showing up" on my blog was the only thing that mattered anymore.

I painstakingly detoxed from reading EVERY blog I followed daily, and now, read only once in awhile.

I used to spend hours on my blog, not necessarily writing, but reading the hearts of my fellow bloggers. I used to comment on at least 30 blogs a day...well, because commenting leads people back to my blogs. The more people visit, the more of a chance that people will follow. The more games and things I link up to mean more traffic as well. And followers mean importance........ right???

This is where I used to be. In finding my priorities...I now write for the King. I spend very little time on the computer anymore. I don't Twitter like I used to. I don't even receive my tweets on my phone like I used to. I used to spend hours on Facebook as well. Now I update my statuses from my phone and get updates sent to my phone for about 10 people. I feel like I miss out on people's lives... but I'm not AS distracted... not as "driven" by the internet world.

ollow many blogs, but don't read everyday... I'd like to, but can't. My IRL friend, Sami, writes so beautifully and honestly, and I get to her blog maybe once a week and get caught up.

It's sad. I'm not a faithful follower of blogs like I used to be. I don't spend hours reading the many heartfelt posts my blogging friends write. I usually catch up on a person's blog once a at a time.

I pray that God leads people here. I don't seek it like I used to.

June 23, 2014

One year...

Unchurched. Not driven. Confused. Questioning. Isolation. Uncommitted. Inactive. Unmotivated. Defiant. Reserved. Rebellious. Quiet. Internalized. Seeking. Asking. Knocking. Doubt. Fear. Withdrawn. Unsocial. Uninvolved. Bitter. Angry. Asking again. More questioning. Peaceful. Disturbed. Naked. Vulnerable. Stripped. Uncomfortable. Unsatisfied. Questions. Lots of questions. Seeking some more. Discontent. Changes. Pain. More confusion. Declaring. Begging. Praying. Ignoring. Walking forward. Retreating. Mood swings. Religion. Laws. Grace. Mistakes. Successes. Condemnation. Shame. Realizations. Accusations. Resting. Expecting. Hoping. Reaching. Marching. Running. Limiting. Not caring. Loving. Judging. Forgiving. Learning. Contentment. Burdened. Disgusted. Let-down. Inspired. Strong-willed. Relieved. Letting go. Joyful. Enjoying/hating...


One day at a time.

Each day.

Each moment.


A can one person experience so many emotions within just one year? How can one find so many flaws, in the life they have been living, in just a year ? How can one learn so much about themself, others, and God in only one year? How can one have everything "figured out", and end up being "stripped" of what they know, only to have them replaced with new revelations and thoughts, in just one year.

This past year has been a journey. I was silenced by (what I thought was) myself, only to realize that God needed me to be in silence so I could hear what He had to say. I have questioned my faithfulness to God and to the church because I just needed to STOP...stop all the "churchy-ness", stop all the unsolicited advice, stop all the "routines" and "rules", stop the "judging", stop the "finger pointing", so I could go back to being taught by Him...

Back to the "basics". But not to what I THOUGHT the basics were! Back to the "basics" HE wanted to teach me.

I'm not talking about "scriptural basics", theology, laws, rules, grace, or doctrines.

I'm talking about RELATIONSHIP! Not the kind of "relationship" we THINK we are supposed to have. Not the kind of "relationship" we hear others talk about. Not even the kind of "relationship" taught from the pulpit:

"Jesus 'loves/receives/accepts/forgives' YOU....(BUT will take away your salvation if you don't continue to be a 'good' Christian, follow the 'rules', and don't commit the 'unpardonable' sin.)" 

The kind of relationship I'm talking about is the kind that Jesus had with Peter, the man He KNEW would deny Him 3x. The relationship that Jesus had with the woman at the well, the woman who He knew would ruin His reputation because of His PURE love for her. The kind of relationship Jesus had with the disciples who would not recognize Him and needed physical proof He was indeed Jesus.

Let's not forget about Zacheus, the dirty, rotten thief who everyone despised, yet Jesus sought out intentionally.  What about the relationship Jesus had with the woman who was accused of adultery, about to be stoned. In today's society, she probably would have been called a slut or prostitute. Jesus STOOD UP for her, in front of all the religious leaders! In front of the community! In front of His friends and family! He gave her DIGNITY when she had none! Jesus saved her LIFE!!! 

I'm talking about the kind of relationship Jesus had with the close FRIEND who would betray Him for coins. Jesus loved this man! Judas was like a brother to Him! He was in Jesus's "circle". Jesus spent His last meal, and loved on, THIS MAN who would "narc" Him out and turn Him over to His enemies to be tortured and killed. Talk about greed! Disloyalty! Betrayal! Heartbreak!

This is the kind of "relationship" I have been having with my Jesus for the past year!!! THIS is love! THIS is UNCONDITIONAL love! THIS IS JESUS!!!

So......through my ups and downs, my good and poor choices, my doubt and unbelief, my anger and questioning, my lack of committment and "slacking", my thoughts and feelings, my defiance and rebellion....

I am finding "the" Jesus, I have always read about in the Bible!!!

I am finding out what "this" relationship is supposed to look like. I'm finding out what the word "unconditional" really means. In turn, I'm learning to love myself, and those around me.

I'm learning to open up my eyes to the people in the world around me...we really aren't much different after & me.

---I pray God would "nudge" you into this journey with Him! It is NOT comfortable! It's NOT easy! It does NOT always make sense! It will NOT make you popular or help you to "fit in"! Your journey will NOT look like mine!

You MAY question everything you "thought" you knew! You MAY go back and forth, feeling like you are being the "double minded" person! You MAY resist most things you learn! You MAY be unpopular! You MAY find yourself gravitating towards, and apologizing to, the people you previously "outcasted". You MAY see your "flaws" in full color and you MAY just want to puke at who how you have treated people! You MAY be lonely! You MAY doubt! Your journey will look like YOURS AND JESUS'! 

If you say "yes" to whatever journey Jesus wants to take YOU on, you can guarantee that you will NEVER be the same! And it is soooooooooooooo good!

Blessings friends!

May 15, 2013

The "Holy" list

Somewhere in my finite mind, I have made mental rules "lists" of what it means to be a "good" Christian. Despite "knowing better", I frequently line up my flaws and compare them to this "list" to determine if I am still on God's "nice" Holy list or if I have crossed over to the "bad" "wretched am I" list. 

Now, I understand that you may SuPeR "spiritual" and may be thinking, 
"Heaven, that's silly! That's not how God is. The Bible says....x, y, & z."

I totally understand! 
It does sound VERY silly!

If I heard someone else saying such a thing, I would assure them THAT is NOT what the Bible says, and that is NOT how God views them. One of my biggest passions is that people know the truth about who they are in Christ! One of my biggest flaws is that I know who I am in Christ until I "mess up", sin, or make a mistake. THEN, I'm all about excluding myself from the race because I don't "measure" up. I don't "qualify" for the grace of God, because....ooooohhhhhh, my sin is toooooooo big! 

"I know better than to sin!" (my biggest chastisement to myself)

Most of us KNOW right from wrong. If not, we learn very quickly, whether through natural consequences or by being convicted of the wrong we do.


 Immediately Upon "sin"/mistake, I dig out "the" list from my mind. 

It goes something like this:

- "good" Christians serve God at all costs.
- "good" Christians don't "do" depression.
-"good" Christians do not make "big" mistakes.
-You need to punish yourself (suffer) in order to be forgiven.
-Your sin is not covered until grace because you purposely sinned.
-Don't repent & move on or you are "abusing" God's grace.
-Other Christians don't do THAT kinda' stuff.
-Can you say FAILURE!!!
-You "blew it" again. God's grace is running out!
-"good" Christians don't make the same mistakes over and over.
-Your sin is bigger than God's grace.
-"good" Christians would have it "together" by now.

Now, you may or may not have a similar list that you survey to determine if you are in "God's good graces". Look at my list. Is that list pointing back to Jesus or is it pointing towards my sin/actions/behavior? Is it filled with love and grace or is it full of condemnation and shame?

Check out this "list":

-You are forgiven.
-I remember your sins no more.
-My grace is sufficient for you.
-You are made in my image.
-Press on toward the goal.
-I ordained every one of your days before they came to be.
-I know you inside and out.
-I don't keep a record of your wrongdoings.
-When you are weak, I am strong.
-I love you.

What "list" are you living by?
Which "list" is embedded in your mind and your heart?

~Holy Spirit, I pray that you would open our eyes to see the glorious inheritance we have because we are sons and daughters of the Most High King. I pray that you would reveal the incorrect "lists" we have been living by. I pray that you would pour out YOUR Truth of who each person is in Christ...not just when we are acting "good", but all the time. I pray for Your Spirit to rise within each person reading this. Draw them into the Truth. Draw me more into Your Truth. Let the lies be revealed and a renewing of the Truth be instilled deep within each person. In Jesus' name, Amen.

I walk forward

This journey can be hard as I try to navigate my way through life. Sometimes I walk blindly, not knowing which way to turn. Sometimes I walk...