Fight the good fight...

I spent the last week of 2011 determined to bring in the new year by letting the past be the past...once and for all. I have spent so much of my life re-living scenario after scenario of my past. Whether it be things from my childhood, or my teen years, or my mistakes, or from my marriage/divorce, I just continued to live in it.

Everything God had shown me up until December 31, 2011, was leading me in the direction that my past had to go!  I was like a war veteran, telling the stories of the past over and over, only to keep myself stuck in that time frame of hurt, rejection, and pain.  

Anyway, I woke up January 1, 2012, determined to go forward into all that God was calling me to. By mid-morning, I was ticked, irritated, and saying some very bad words!!!  Although my past was not repeating itself, it felt like it was through a very similar situation. I was ready to run someone over TICKED BEYOND TICKED!!!

The memories of my past reared its ugly head and started taunting me.

"Ha! Ha! Here I am! You thought you could get rid of me! Remember this incident? And this one? Remember the pain of this one? The rage? The bitterness? The anger? The injustice? Oh, what about this? Just in case you forgot, let me remind you about..."

I was ready to blow!!!!! I had a "right" to be was angry! That person had NO right! Selfish! Jerk! Bad, bad, bad words! Insensitive! Grrr.... I continued on and on until I eventually lost all of my peace, all of my joy, and probably a little sanity as well.  I let the offenses come and stack up so high that I couldn't even begin to think of sleep because my mind was so bombarded with junk!

I finally found sleep because I eventually woke up....(angry!)

I vented to a friend. I vented to her again. And I vented to her again. I text a different friend and said, "Um, how am I supposed to think positive about this???" 

I did that for two or three days.

My heart hurt for the people involved. That caused more anger because it could have been avoided! The anger caused more hurt, more resentment, more bitterness, more anger, more hurt, more resentment.......

I finally cried out to God, "I'm tired of being angry and bitter. Please help me not hunt this person down! Make good come out of this. I pray for everyone involved, even the person making the poor choices. Jesus, we need you to make this right! I need to move forward. Help me to be a light, not a jerk. Protect my kids! Protect the hearts of everyone else involved. And please move in this situation! In Jesus' name, Amen."

I was able to sleep last night.

I woke up with peace this morning.

I'm choosing to go forward.

When the next ghost from the past appears, I will choose, once again, to go forward...

Because I am CHOOSING to...

"forget what is behind and strain towards what is ahead... (I will) press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13b-14

You lied!!!

"YOU LIED TO ME!!!"
my 10-year old recently screamed at me.


In his eyes, I let him down.
In his eyes, I kept something from him.
In his eyes, I broke my promise.


I recently screamed the same thing to God.
"GOD, YOU LIED TO ME!!!!"


In my eyes, He "toyed" with my emotions.
In my eyes, He let me down.
In my eyes, He broke His promise.


That may not be "The Truth..."
but in the moment, it seemed like reality.


"God is not a man that He should lie!"
Numbers 23:19


...But in the moment, it felt like God lied!


...In the moment, Dylan's reality was that I lied to him!


In Dylan's moment, I KNEW what was best for him. I knew what he could and what he could not handle. I knew that the original plans had to be changed because he was not ready to face that outing. There were so many other things happening that he could not see, and I could not even begin to explain the reasons to him...


God sees way beyond what you or I can possibly see. He knows every detail going on. He knows the timing for everything. He knows what we can handle and what we cannot handle. He knows every step that has to happen in order for everything to happen. There are things so complex that He cannot even begin to explain to us because we could not even understand...


After Dylan was done being mad at me,
he embraced me, and told me he loved me...

I told him ...

"Sometimes you just have to trust mommy.
You did nothing wrong, but to put you
in that situation would have set you
up for failure...and I love you TOOOOOO
much to do that to you. I know it hurts,
but know I love you soooooooo much!!!"

How much more does our
Heavenly Father protect & love us???

It's tooooo early!

I awoke at 5:30 this morning to arguing and loud wrestling in my living room. UGH!!! That does NOT make a good wake-up call, but makes a wonderful alarm clock (because I can't push snooze!). The problem is that I did NOT set my alarm, nor did I ask for a wake-up call.

After sending each child to their room for waking up everyone in the apartment building (ok, well me!), I began to stew and get angrier by the second!!! It is Saturday and I should be able to sleep in until AT LEAST 7:00, but Nooooooooooo, my boys didn't get that memo! I continued to ramble on to myself: "I am the mom and I do sooooo much for them and they can't even get along so I can sleep a little extra???? What about me? What about my rights? If only they had ANY clue how many times I have sacrificed sleep for them!!! Ugh..."

Well, that conversation within myself really didn't help my mood (or my level of gratitude!), and I KNEW THIS, but at that moment, I felt I had a right to complain...so I did!!! And I continued my little fit, (all within myself, of course), for another 5-10 minutes, and suddenly I felt a nudge at my heart. You know...the little voice that acts as your conscience... Yep, that one!.

Of course, because I must have been enjoying being miserable and complaining at that moment, I ignored it. "I don't want to be 'right'!, I don't want to be graceful! I don't even want to be nice! I don't want to think about anyone else but me right now! I'm tired! It's NOT fair!!!"

Ahhh...the lovely tantrums of a mature adult in an immature moment!

Ok, so you get the point. The nudge came again, and for me, that nudge happens to be God trying to get my attention. "Ok, fine. What do you want, God?"

Somedays, I totally picture that if I stood in front of God, He would look at me, with the same goofy grin I give others, and say, "Um...seriously, Heaven, really????"

This morning would have been one of those mornings! "Seriously, Heaven???" I suddenly felt as immature as I had acted, as I felt compelled to look in my Bible and take advantage of the NOW quiet moments at hand, since, of course, my boys were on a verrrryyyyyyy long time-out in their rooms.

Breathe in...breathe out...

I sat down, apologized to God for my attitude, and opened my Bible. I opened it to John 14 of all places! Well, to me, this chapter talks about love and obedience! Ugh...I knew where this was headed. The verse that popped out to me was John 14:15:

"IF you love me, YOU WILL obey what I command." ....Yes, that's it! If my kids loved me, they would totally obey me!!!

Um...another "Seriously Heaven?" moment came...

"If Heaven loves God, she will obey what He commands..." Seriously, God???? Do we have to go "there"? OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! It's too early and I don't want to be responsible this early! I just wanted to be childish and have my moment of "What about me???"

Ok, well, God has been showing me some ugly attitudes that I have still carried in my heart, and this verse totally just exposed my attitude and my sin. I had a bad attitude and felt the world revolved around me this morning.

"God, I'm sorry. Help me to become a better morning person!" THE END...or so I thought!
I suddenly ( I love suddenly moments!) saw this verse a little different...Not sure it's necessary an interpretation of it, but this is how I suddenly felt it in my heart.

"If Heaven simply KNEW how much I loved her (how much I desire her and have given up for her and adore her), THEN she would WANT to and WILLINGLY do what I have asked her to do..." *little baby "ouch"*

I "got it". It's totally NOT in the loving others that makes us want to be a better person...it's in the "knowing how much we are loved" that makes us WANT to be a better person...


So, this morning, I rest in God, who never complains because of what I do, say, or act. He simply takes me by the hand, nudges my heart, and gently shows me truth that leads me to repentance and helps me to know His love better.

I pray, that, you too, would be able to see how much God and those around you love you...

Envision...

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9 NIV

What would it look like if you were free from all of the emotional and mental "baggage" you carry around? How would it feel not to have the weight of the world on your shoulders? What if God came into your world and did more for you than you could ever imagine or dream?

Are there worrisome thoughts or anxieties that steal your joy? Do you have past failures that you cannot forgive yourself for? Do you "self-soothe" through activities or substances that are not healthy to your body (or your mind or soul)? Are you tired of having "dreams" or aspirations for your future and getting no where with them?

Well, today, I want you to envision what your life would be like if you could do anything you set your heart to. Envision the view in front of you if you could just climb over the mountain in your way.

Dictionary.com defines Envision as this: to picture mentally, esp. some future event or events: to envision a bright future. Synonyms include: anticipate, contemplate, conceptualize, foresee, grasp, imagine, see, view, visualize...

Envision freedom from... depression; people pleasing; self-destructing behaviors; wrong thinking; judgmental attitudes; addictions; anxiety; self-defeating way of life; being a work-a-holic...

Envision not being afraid! Envision freedom from fear of... failure, rejection, success, people, new adventures, becoming too prideful...

Envision feeling good about yourself! Envision freedom from...self-condemnation; unworthiness; striving for acceptance; not being good enough; being your own worst critic; never measuring up; never forgiving yourself...

Can you get a sense in your heart of what that would feel like? Can you feel the weight lifting off as you dream and envision, OR are you shutting that down because you don't want to dream because "it doesn't happen anyway"...

Will you take a risk today and dream/envision/imagine/visualize what your life would be like if you if you were FREE from those things that weigh you down???

I want you to write that down somewhere and keep it in a place you can refer to it often. The more you look at it, the more you will begin to believe it's possible! The more you believe it's possible, the more actions you will take to "move you" there. The more actions you take to "move you" there, the sooner you will experience your freedom!


~Heavenly Father, I pray for those reading this that You would plant a dream in their heart. Help them to envision their life without the baggage that has tried to make its permanent home in their heart. Oh Father, show them Your hope and your aspirations for their life. Help them to dream again! I pray for a tangible touch of your love on each person visiting this blog...Lord, SHOW UP in their lives in ways that are so much higher than ours. May your dreams for them be more than what they could ever imagine. Put your protection over each person as they begin to envision Your freedom! In Jesus' name, Amen~

unkind words

Today was another day when I discovered that my reflection really was not very appealing. I had a moment of self-realization when my mouth spewed out nonsense to everyone I came in contact with.

To others, I normally appear to be mellow, gentle, humble, and meek; however, today was "attitude city" at my house. The amazing thing was that it wasn't my children's attitudes that needed to be checked, it was mine.

Most days, I bite my tongue a lot, and I try not to say mean things to people. If it doesn't benefit someone else, I really try not to speak it. If I do, I usually go back and apologize. I am known for encouraging people when I have a chance. I send out nice little cards to friends, I say 'thank you' a lot, and I like to bless people with kind words.

Oh my goodness, today was not one of those days. I found myself talking to my mother and saying things that I knew I wouldn't be able to take back. I opened my mouth, and out came unkind, judgmental, and harsh words.

I spoke to my son in an abrupt, authoritive, short manner without hearing his concerns or even listening, yet a couple hours later, I scolded him for speaking unkind and harsh to his friend. Whoa! This mama needed a time-out.

I sit quietly questioning why, how, and what. Why was I so short with everyone today? How do I take my words back or make it better? What am I not dealing with that is causing my temper to soar? What is it in my heart that I need to deal with? What do I need to change and focus my thoughts on?

I think of my mother and am saddened by the fact that I wounded her with my words, knowing I can't take back what I spoke. It would have been better to keep my mouth shut and not assume I know everything. I could have gently smiled and not let her comments bother me, yet I chose, by my own free will, to lash my own pain upon her.

Speaking of pain, what is the pain that plagued me to act in selfishness? What is unsettled in me? Could it be finances? Exhaustion? Despair? Loneliness? Sadness? Restlessness? All of the above???

I am irritated, unsettled, lonely, worried, scared, yet, I know that God has a plan for my life. I am hopeful because tomorrow is a new day. And with God's help and grace, I will make better choices tomorrow.

I will think before I speak. I will choose silence over spontaneous words. I will once again choose to bless instead of cause harm. I will listen more and speak less. I will ask God to put a guard on my mouth and only let me speak what is beneficial for building others up.

...but for tonight, I will say a prayer for my mother, and then take a few minutes to snuggle next to my son, who is peacefully sleeping in the other room...