Sleepless in Wisconsin

I should be asleep!

I really should.

My child is asleep.

His friend is asleep.

I should be asleep!

I close my eyes and hear the sounds around me...

Tom & Jerry on TV.

The breathing of my son.

The clock ticking.

A cricket outside my door.

The faucet dripping.

Tiny footsteps next door.

My heartbeat.

I wait a few more minutes

to see if I can hear any other sound...

I do.

it's a whisper

of my Papa

saying,

"dream..."

"It's time to dream again..."

"dream big..."

"dream and expect..."

d.r.e.a.m.b.i.g.a.g.a.i.n.

...it's time!

No Husband??? Like forever???

"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no HUSBAND???

Psalm 63:1
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If you are familiar with the above Bible passage, you will recognize that the word HUSBAND has replaced the word WATER.

"...my body longs for you...where there is no water."

I've spent many of my adult years single. I was married for four years, but separated for 2 1/2 of those four years.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up and be a doctor, a wife, and a mommy. I became a mommy first. I never became a doctor. My dream as a wife fizzled shortly after I said, "I do."

In the good times of my marriage, I loved being a wife. I loved cooking, taking care of the kids and house, and greeting my husband at the door. I loved the companionship and friendship. I loved the kissing and hand-holding and romance. I loved the dream of what I envisioned a marriage to be.

When times got hard, I still loved being a wife. When times got even harder, I still longed to be his wife. When things were totally dissolved, I still wanted to be a wife. After being divorced for 2 1/2 years, I still long to be someone's wife again someday.

Several months ago, God asked me if I would give Him my desire to be a wife.

I agreed and said, "Yes, God." (of course after many tears)

The last week, I have been observing couples who are in love. The "newly dating" couples. The "50 year anniversary" couples. The "Best Friend" couples.

I have found myself longing for that.

Again.

And so the wording for the above scripture was birthed...

What are you longing for today? A relationship? A job promotion? A dream? A desire? Children?

What if another husband is not in God's plan for my life? What if I'm meant to go solo until I die or until Jesus returns? Can I be o-kay with that? Will I be o-kay with that? Will I still love God the same? Will I still trust Him with my heart?

Yes. I will. And I do.

Because I know He holds my world in His hands.

So, what do I do with my desires when they come? What do I do when that dream invades my heart and longs to be fulfilled?

I go back to God and proclaim:

"O God, you are my God,

earnestly I(CHOOSE TO) seek you;

my soul(CHOOSES TO) thirst for you,

my body (CHOOSES TO) long for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water_(your dream here)__

Psalm 63:1

21 years ago...

...my father took his last breath...

in a hospital bed...

After hanging on...

silently...

day after day...

for 7 days...

in a coma...
-----------------------------------------------------

DAY 1- DAY 3

The doctors said:--->

He's brain dead.
Wait!

He's not brain dead.
Never mind.
I guess he's brain dead after all.
He's not breathing on his own.
He will never wake up.
He could be in a coma for years.
He will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
"I recommend you pull the plug."

"Heaven, (15yo girl), what do YOU want?"
(I want my dad to jump up & hug me & talk to me!!!)

"...um...I don't know."

Life support disconnected.

-------------------------------------------

"It should only be a few hours now."
-------------------------------------------

Waiting.
Pacing.
Crying.
Waiting...

------------------------------------------
4 DAYS LATER...

"Maybe we should put a feeding tube in!"
"He's breathing on his own."
"There is still brain activity."
"He's hanging on."
"He's a fighter."
"I can't believe he's still here!"
"The probabilities are high!"
"He should have died."
"He can come out of this."
"Let's give it another shot!"

RECOMMENDATION...
Short Surgery time to put a feeding tube in.
(My aunt & I joyfully go eat lunch)

---------------------------------------------
INTERCOM:
(20 minutes later)

"Would the family of Jerry Moorhouse please
return to the patient's room?"
---------------------------------------------

"Wow! That was really quick!"

--------------------------------------------

"I'm sorry"
"He's gone."

"It's almost as if he waited until
no one was around...
and then gave up."

----------------------------------------------

21 YEARS AGO, My dad shot himself.
21 YEARS LATER, his 5 adult children still mourn.

-----------------------------------------------
We remember this day each year...

and still wonder...

what life would've been like if...

• He could have seen us each graduate.
• He could have "given away" his 3 daughters on their wedding days.
• He could have met his youngest son's wife.
• He could have met his oldest son's fiance.
• He could have met his grandchildren.

--------------------------------------------------

Suicide is never the answer.
Ever...

21 years is a LONG time...

To
leave
your
children
behind
to
long
for
just
one
more
word,
one
more
hug,
ONE
MORE...

"I love you."

You lied!!!

"YOU LIED TO ME!!!"
my 10-year old recently screamed at me.


In his eyes, I let him down.
In his eyes, I kept something from him.
In his eyes, I broke my promise.


I recently screamed the same thing to God.
"GOD, YOU LIED TO ME!!!!"


In my eyes, He "toyed" with my emotions.
In my eyes, He let me down.
In my eyes, He broke His promise.


That may not be "The Truth..."
but in the moment, it seemed like reality.


"God is not a man that He should lie!"
Numbers 23:19


...But in the moment, it felt like God lied!


...In the moment, Dylan's reality was that I lied to him!


In Dylan's moment, I KNEW what was best for him. I knew what he could and what he could not handle. I knew that the original plans had to be changed because he was not ready to face that outing. There were so many other things happening that he could not see, and I could not even begin to explain the reasons to him...


God sees way beyond what you or I can possibly see. He knows every detail going on. He knows the timing for everything. He knows what we can handle and what we cannot handle. He knows every step that has to happen in order for everything to happen. There are things so complex that He cannot even begin to explain to us because we could not even understand...


After Dylan was done being mad at me,
he embraced me, and told me he loved me...

I told him ...

"Sometimes you just have to trust mommy.
You did nothing wrong, but to put you
in that situation would have set you
up for failure...and I love you TOOOOOO
much to do that to you. I know it hurts,
but know I love you soooooooo much!!!"

How much more does our
Heavenly Father protect & love us???

Let go & press on...

Have you ever held onto something
so tightly that it intertwined with
your identity causing you to lose
who you are???

God gives us promises
because that's who HE is.

He plants His desires
into our hearts.

But when things don't happen
(as we think they should),
then we think God let us down
or really didn't mean what He said.

Numbers 23:19
God is NOT a man that He should lie!

That's NOT the character of God...
to lie, that is...
or "play" with our emotions...
or "tease" us.

He means what He says...
ALL the time,
BUT...we assume that
because He says it...
that we should get it RIGHT now!
Because that's the fickle humans that we are.

I've gotten caught up in that
which has led to despair...
which has led to depression...
which has led to hopelessness...
Silly impatient girl!

So...

...last night, I had a really long, tear-filled talk with God, and told Him how weary I am. Hanging onto the dream is simply too much. It consumes me, and I let the absence of results dictate who I am. Obviously, because it hasn't happened yet, it must mean I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not this. Not that.

You know what? I'm a child of the Most High King! I am God's little princess! I am His Beloved! I am God's blessing person! He entrusted me to live the life I am living! He's planted giftings and callings into my life because He wants to use ME! God CHOSE me!

AND GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU!!!
HIS PRECIOUS DAUGHTER OR SON!
HE SEES ALL YOUR FLAWS...
HE SEES YOUR HEART...
HE SEES YOUR DOUBT...
YOUR UNBELIEF...
YOUR DESIRES...

AND HE STILL CHOSE YOU!!!

HE STILL LOVES YOU!!!

HE STILL DESIRES YOU!!!

The absence of an unfulfilled dream doesn't mean you're not good enough. It simply means it's not time. That's where trust and faith come in! Trust that the God of the Universe, The Creator, has YOUR life's blueprints in the palm of His hand, and because He knows EVERY detail, He also knows the very timing of it. So quit hanging on so tightly. Quit believing the lies that the enemy is trying to throw at you regarding WHO you are or ARE NOT!

WHO YOU ARE...
(Your identity)
ONLY lies in Jesus Christ!!!

~Daddy, I don't understand, but I don't have to. I don't know the why's, and I agree today, that it's ok. I put my trust in You once again, because I know You love me, have a plan for me, and it definitely isn't to "play" with my emotions or cause harm to me. You spoke and said it would be. I know I heard Your voice. I've held onto this too tightly, and I have to give it back to You (again!). If it never comes to pass, then I trust You. Change me, mold me, and make me into who You want me to be...otherwise, I'm simply me. I can't create the person I am meant to be, only You can. I don't want to be a carbon copy of who I (or others) think I should be, but an authentic version of who You've made me. I thank You that You have done just that... Thank You that my life is hidden in Christ Jesus and that I have eternal life. I let go of my desires & dreams to hold onto Your hope and Your peace. Lead the way, Lord...for where You lead, I will follow... Thank You for truth, for Your love. I love You Daddy! You are my strength...

In Jesus' name, Amen~

Motives...

May the words of my mouth
and the meditations of my heart
be pleasing in Your sight, O LORD,
my Rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14

Ah...I love this verse. It reminds me to check my actions and my heart attitudes, as well as my motives. I love the prospects that God has for me in 2010. He's promised to restore all those things that the enemy has stolen. It's so wonderful!

I'm also losing weight this year! Woo hoo! I'll finally be skinny, and pretty, and noticed, and...

My blog will touch many people, and my testimony will be heard, and God will make my name great, and...

My artwork is totally going to soar with God! I will FINALLY have something worthy enough to offer...

Music!!! I wrote and performed one song and now God is going to give me more songs, and people will actually be asking for me by name and...

HELLO???????????????????????

I'm sensing a "little" problem in my statements above. What about you???

It's so easy to get off track when we try to do things to glorify ourselves, instead of God! And it's even easier to "go there" and not realize you are camping right in the center of Camp Pride! Sometimes, it takes small whisper to get us back to a right heart attitude and other times, it takes tripping on a major stump to make us realize who we are trying to please.

I've had the "big stump" fall, and it was NOT fun at all! I want to be more aware of the nudges of God saying, "Um...Heaven...you might want to rethink that statement."

What is even more amazing is when I say "Yes, it is all because of God! The glory belongs to HIM! God, is soooooooooooooo great and is doing a great thing in me!", and not even realizing that I don't want to share the glory with God. I want it to myself! I want people to know how GREAT I am! And what I CAN do!

Yesterday, I "met" with God, and He showed me this in myself. The attitude that I wanted God to do these great things in and through me so that I would get noticed so that I would feel great about myself! Ouch!* Nothing like self-inflicted pain!!!

So, Jesus, once again, I pray that You would be glorified in all I do or say. That, as painful as it may be, that YOU would strip the wrong heart attitudes from me and plant the right ones in me. I truly am who I am because of who YOU ARE! I AM ALIVE because YOU LIVE IN ME! The only gifts I have are the ones that YOU PLACED IN ME! Lord, keep the words of my mouth and the meditations and motives of my heart pleasing to YOU! May I DAILY/every moment be aware of You and Your voice, that I may not trip on my prideful thoughts. Help me to lay them at the cross and leave them there! I thank You for still loving me and for not giving up on me! I welcome this journey of being humble before YOU! Please NEVER let me forget that I am who I am because of WHO YOU ARE!!! In Jesus' name, Amen~

Envision...

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9 NIV

What would it look like if you were free from all of the emotional and mental "baggage" you carry around? How would it feel not to have the weight of the world on your shoulders? What if God came into your world and did more for you than you could ever imagine or dream?

Are there worrisome thoughts or anxieties that steal your joy? Do you have past failures that you cannot forgive yourself for? Do you "self-soothe" through activities or substances that are not healthy to your body (or your mind or soul)? Are you tired of having "dreams" or aspirations for your future and getting no where with them?

Well, today, I want you to envision what your life would be like if you could do anything you set your heart to. Envision the view in front of you if you could just climb over the mountain in your way.

Dictionary.com defines Envision as this: to picture mentally, esp. some future event or events: to envision a bright future. Synonyms include: anticipate, contemplate, conceptualize, foresee, grasp, imagine, see, view, visualize...

Envision freedom from... depression; people pleasing; self-destructing behaviors; wrong thinking; judgmental attitudes; addictions; anxiety; self-defeating way of life; being a work-a-holic...

Envision not being afraid! Envision freedom from fear of... failure, rejection, success, people, new adventures, becoming too prideful...

Envision feeling good about yourself! Envision freedom from...self-condemnation; unworthiness; striving for acceptance; not being good enough; being your own worst critic; never measuring up; never forgiving yourself...

Can you get a sense in your heart of what that would feel like? Can you feel the weight lifting off as you dream and envision, OR are you shutting that down because you don't want to dream because "it doesn't happen anyway"...

Will you take a risk today and dream/envision/imagine/visualize what your life would be like if you if you were FREE from those things that weigh you down???

I want you to write that down somewhere and keep it in a place you can refer to it often. The more you look at it, the more you will begin to believe it's possible! The more you believe it's possible, the more actions you will take to "move you" there. The more actions you take to "move you" there, the sooner you will experience your freedom!


~Heavenly Father, I pray for those reading this that You would plant a dream in their heart. Help them to envision their life without the baggage that has tried to make its permanent home in their heart. Oh Father, show them Your hope and your aspirations for their life. Help them to dream again! I pray for a tangible touch of your love on each person visiting this blog...Lord, SHOW UP in their lives in ways that are so much higher than ours. May your dreams for them be more than what they could ever imagine. Put your protection over each person as they begin to envision Your freedom! In Jesus' name, Amen~

BREAKTHROUGH

Breakthrough

1. An act of overcoming or penetrating an obstacle or restriction.

2. A military offensive that penetrates an enemy's lines of defense.

3. A major achievement or success that permits further progress, as in technology.

Oooooohhhhh!!!! Check out the definition of "breakthrough"! Does it make you want it? Does it cause a passion to rise up in you? Does it make you wonder if there REALLY is more to this life than just living and dying? Does it make you crave it? Does it make you want to know if it's possible for you? Does it cause something to stir in the deepest part of your heart and soul?

If it does, I encourage you to hang out with me on this journey, because I am THERE! I KNOW it's possible for YOU to be here with me! I KNOW I'm going "forward" in life and will take anyone with me willing to follow! You can take it at your own speed...step by step, sometimes inch by inch...but I can tell you that if you do, God will "show up" in your life MORE than you can EVER dream or imagine!!!

I want to teach you, show you, encourage you, offer you hope, and be YOUR cheerleader as you walk with me. Often when I "get somewhere" in life, I don't remember how I got there, I just know I did. This time, through God's amazing, amazing working, I see the steps of HOW I got here. As God leads, I will share with you these nuggets of truth, as well as my real life experiences to back it up. I pray that God will lead the people here that need to be here. I pray that He opens up the eyes and the ears of those who have been lied to by this world that "THIS IS ALL LIFE OFFERS".

Hmmm...SO NOT TRUE! Jesus Christ came so that we could have LIFE & LIFE MORE ABUNDANTLY!!! For the first time in my life, I AM BEGINNING TO LIVE IN THAT- in my heart, soul, mind, and spirit!

So today, STEP 1- You have to choose...Do you want to come along for the ride? Do you want to go where God is taking me? Do you want breakthrough? Do you want to know if there is more to this life? Do you want to live life MORE abundantly and more joyfully? Do you want to start making a difference in the lives around you? Do you want to be FREE of the baggage holding you back? Then, take my hand and let's go!

Think about it. If you need to come back at a later time, I'll still be here. But I need to let you know now, that I AM going forward at however fast or slow God takes me. God is the engine and the fuel that drives this train, I am simply hanging onto Him. Sometimes I'll be at the front of the train, sometimes I'll be in the middle, and sometimes I will even be at the rear holding the hand of the one who can't do it alone! It is my goal to take your hand, link you up with the Heavenly Captain, and show you how to embrace HIS hand on your own. It is my goal to learn from you as well! I DO KNOW I am experiencing breakthrough after breakthrough and I WANT YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE FREEDOM AND PASSION AND JOY that I feel!

I want to SHOUT it from the rooftops that YOU CAN BE FREE! My heart has been held captive for sooooooooooo long, and it's not anymore!

So...today is a choice...

Do you want to go forward and take possession of "every good and perfect gift" that God wants to offer you? For today...this moment...you simply have to choose:)

Love ya all and I'll be back tomorrow:)

CHARGE!!!

Today is a day that I have to FIGHT for my mind! I just got done tweeting, and I also need to put this on my blog as well!

I have always let myself become defeated by the voice of the enemy. Most of the time, the broken records are in my mind, so he doesn't have to do much work. I spent the morning sleeping to cope. I woke up and didn't want to fight today! Most of the time, I sleep when I don't want to deal with my life. God has put so many dreams and desires in my heart, and because of the way I feel about myself, I don't do them. Or else I start them, only to convince myself that I am not worthy to be doing them.

I look at other Christians as better than me because they "seem" to have it all together and I usually don't see their struggles in their heart. Occasionally, I lose control of my tongue. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I swear, sometimes the thoughts in my heart are not very pleasing to God or to myself.

The thing about self-defeated-ness is that I can do the destroying all by myself. My flesh and mind is not trained to stand up against the enemy for long periods of time. I can give the best "talk" or "pep-talk" in the world for someone else, but when it comes to myself, I give up before I even start. I hang onto the guilt of the sins I commit, and do not forgive myself. In essence, I turn down the forgiveness Jesus offers and try to convince HIM how horrible my sin was and how He really doesn't want to use me.

YET, there is a part of me that wants to believe that I AM WORTHY His love and acceptance and His gifts and favor and mercy and grace! There is a part of me that wants to break out of the cocoon I PUT MYSELF in and become EVERYTHING God wants me to be. I mean, come on, HE NAMED me Heaven, for crying out loud! Heaven-the treasured place where we all want to go when we die! There has GOT to be a great destiny for me and yet, I SLEEP!

Anyway, this is what I just got done tweeting, because I know I am NOT the only one being defeated by self-condemning thoughts!!! I want to share with YOU hope and encouragement that WE CAN step into those things God is calling us to because WE ARE WORTHY! We ARE GOD'S KIDS! And WE HAVE A DESTINY THAT IS OURS FOR THE TAKING (and fighting!)

TWEETS
Today is a CHOOSE TO "fight" day that I described on my blog last night. I feel like the baby in the womb longing to be born! I'm having spiritual birthing pains except I'm the one being birthed! I'm the one screaming to get out of this warm and comfy environment because it's not comfy anymore. I'm restricted and squished! I want to be free! I'm tired of being pushed! It's accelerating and I'm ready to breathe and live and move and walk in all God has called me to. I'm tired of being restricted within the limitations I HAVE PUT on myself! I want to stretch and move freely. I started dreaming again and I want to fulfill those dreams. I'm tired of being bound by my self-defeating excuses! I AM GOOD ENOUGH! Not by my standards, BUT BECAUSE GOD SAYS SO!!! I'm tired of believing LIES OF THE ENEMY! I'm sick of the broken records in my head telling me everything in life is my fault! Telling me I'm worthless! Telling me I don't count and DON"T matter! I DO matter because GOD CHOSE ME! I'm tired of starting something only to allow him to tell me I can't do it! I WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR CHRIST AND I WILL IMPACT LIVES! I will go forward! I WILL NOT BOW ANY LONGER to the smoke screen threats yelling "unworthiness"! Greater is HE IN ME than he that is in this world. I HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST! And when Jesus was confronted by satan in the wilderness, he did not BOW! He said...IT IS WRITTEN...AWAY FROM ME SATAN! It is written that I AM a child of the most high King! My worth and self-esteem comes from my Father in heaven! I am more than a conquerer and I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! If you are a child of the most high King, THAT is for YOU too! If you are not, GOD WILL TAKE YOU INTO HIS ARMS JUST AS YOU ARE, BUT you have to choose!

Calling and Purpose

God has a CALL and a PURPOSE for my life and for your life. There is a phrase that says, "Whom God calls, He equips," meaning that whatever He asks you to do, He will give you what you need to complete that task.

As I recall the things that have been spoken over and into my life, I often wonder if I "messed" up and lost out on the specific purposes God meant for me to do. At times like these, I go back to the following scripture.

Romans 11:29 NIV
for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable.

IRREVOCABLE according to Dictionary.com means: Impossible to retract or revoke: an irrevocable decision. Incapable of being recalled or revoked; unchangeable; irreversible; unalterable; as, an irrevocable promise or decree; irrevocable fate.

God knew all the days ordained for me (written in His book) before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16). God knew the times in which I would "divert" or detour from the "plan" for my life. He also knew when I would make the "big" choice to totally throw everything away because of a sinful lifestyle, and have the "rug" pulled out from under a ministry I was being trained into. God knew I would react in rebellion and pull away from that calling completely. God also knew I would leave that church and go to a new one. He knew as well that I would totally shy away from my calling again in my new church because of "fear of failing" Him again.

On Saturday night as I was preparing for church on Sunday, God gave me a verse:

2 Peter 1:10- "Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall"

Hmmm...that got me thinking...

Was it really NOT too late for God to resurrect that dream in my heart???

Was there still a chance that I didn't "blow" my opportunity years ago???

Could God still bring fruition to the calling on my life???

Numbers 23:19
God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

According to this verse, I don't believe it's not too late. I don't think I "messed" things up so horribly that God can't still bring it to pass. I do, however, believe I will have to work for it. I also believe that I will have to fight spiritually for it as the enemy doesn't like it when God's kids get powerful in the Kingdom. But I also know that God has given me everything I need to succeed in this area. "Whom God calls, He also equips." Right???

Is there a dream in your heart you think you "messed" up?

Are you afraid you totally blew a "calling" in your life?

Ask God, your Papa God, if it's too late. Ask Him to speak life into that dream or to place a new purpose and calling into your life. Ask Him what your purpose is?

...and then put feet to it.

Ask God what steps you need to take to get there. See, God can give us dreams, but if we just stare at them and daydream about them, they may never come to pass. We have to walk towards them. We have to put action to our faith, even if it take one baby step at a time...

God places a path in front of us and directs our steps, but we are the ones that have to move. God leads, and we follow...

2 Peter 1:3-10 The Message

^3-4Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you—your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust.

^5-9So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can't see what's right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.

^10-11So, friends, confirm God's invitation to you, his choice of you. Don't put it off; do it now. Do this, and you'll have your life on a firm footing, the streets paved and the way wide open into the eternal kingdom of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.