September 30, 2009

Abba Father! Daddy???

This summer has been a turning point in my family's life and in my relationship with God. Let me tell you a story about two boys, two daddies, and a mother on a mission to answer the question... "who is my DaDdY?"

I know who my earthly father was: A man who Satan used to steal the best years of my childhood through abuse, drugs, and alcohol, yet was used by God to give me life. A man who I feared greatly, yet he stood on my pedestal. A man who wounded my heart deeply, yet held my heart so captive with love. A man who left my family time and time again, yet never left my heart...

You know my story: Abused as a child, grew up seeking love through sex, alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, and self-mutilation. My earthly father committed suicide when I was 15. I sought out male acceptance through many different avenues, the main one being shallow physical relationships acquired from a night on the town. Finally settled down, had two kids which Dr.s told me was never possible, and eventually got married, only to find myself in divorce court 4 years later.

I've been a Christian for many years, but there has always been an aspect missing in my relationship with Christ. An element of love that I couldn't receive because of my woundedness and my determination to never get hurt again. The element of being able to forgive myself and bestow grace upon myself. The journey of never "feeling" good enough or worthy in the sight of God.

Well, if you have followed my journey from the beginning or for awhile, then you have seen me work through some of those issues, one bite at a time. The epiphany of revelation from God zaps me, and in turn, I blog about it. I figured I had come pretty far...and of course, I had...but God wanted more...

He wanted me to learn how to dive into the ocean with trust and faith that I have never had to have before. He wanted me to give Him control of ALL of me, not just those things that are comfortable to give up... He wanted my broken of all brokenness, and my deepest hurt of all times, and wanted to transform it into something beautiful...

This summer became the start of another chapter of my life's legacy...

I started the summer with two boys, an ex-husband who was father to both our boys, and by the middle of summer, I ended up with two boys, and an ex-husband who was now father to only one of our boys, and a man from my past who actually fathered my other son.

WHAT??? Did I lose you??? Welcome to the story of the middle of my summer!

My past rose up from the grave and tried to destroy me, my children, my ex-husband, and our lives as we knew it. Now, it is the beginning of fall, yet we all still remain standing! Praise God!!!

To make a long story short, I had a weekend encounter with a man 14-years ago, that we found out this summer, through a paternity test, to be my son's father. A man, who thought of this boy as his son for 13 years, now had to share him with another man who was robbed thirteen years of a son's he didn't know he had.

Throughout the summer, Zachary came to know and love his birth father, only to have him taken away a month later. Dylan has been trying to find meaning in the midst of the chaos, and trying to figure out where he stands and how he fits into the mix. My ex-husband, has been dealing with several emotions I can't even begin to comprehend. The birth dad, now behind bars for poor life choices, suddenly lives with regret and pain because he is separated from the only son he has. And me???

Well, I have grown... and been stretched...and am learning to forgive myself... and have drawn into a deeper relationship with God. I have had to trust, and let go. I have had to look the people I have hurt in the face, and admit some of the most difficult things of my life. I have seen the amazing sovereignty of God as He has reached down from heaven and planted each and every detail of my life and my children's life.

As my 13-year old angrily had to question, "Um...who is my dad? and how did this happen???"...

As my 9 year old has dealt with, "Why don't I have two dads? Is Zach still my brother?" and the many more questions a 9 year old has...

As I look into the faces of everyone whose lives have been affected because of my poor choices many years ago, I have had to cry out, "Abba Father!!! Daddy???" and realized that I didn't know God as my Daddy... I knew God as I did my earthly Father... "loved him, but scared to death of him"; "feeling abandoned by Him when life got hard..."

How was I to teach my boys the love of the Perfect Parent- Father God- a dad who never left, if my view of Him was super distorted and "off"? Thus, another journey began...

Stand tall today! Be encouraged today! Rest in the arms of God today! He's big enough and He can handle anything!!!

September 2, 2009

Love of a Daddy

I am learning about the love of a Father- Father God...Daddy God...

I have had many practical applications and examples in my life of what fathers are NOT supposed to be. But...never really knew what a father was SUPPOSED to be like. My life has not been touched by a positive father influence, so when I hear people talk about their dads or Father God, I can't grasp that concept for what it is.

Well, God has been showing me little by little this past month as I have asked the questions and waited for him to answer (it's amazing what I hear when the distraction of internet, cell phone, TV, etc. are taken away)... He is answering and planting in my heart and loving on me as a Father should...

My boys need to know their Father God because their earthly Fathers have let them down...If I don't know what that looks like, how am I to teach them??? THAT was the first question I asked to God about a month and a half ago...

You ask...He will answer:)

He answered through situations, and real life experience, as my own heart's wounds were opened. He has been administering ointment to those wounds as He is loving me into a deeper relationship with Him. I can't even begin to describe the emotions and situations that have arisen in the past 2 months, even before I stopped blogging.

God is incredible and has totally met me in the darkness of my life's circumstances. The stone around my heart is beginning to melt and I am seeing God's love and direction for my life as love and protection, where I used to see punishment and cruelty. I can't even begin to explain that one...it would take forever!

I used to see a God who gave to everyone else, except me because 1) I wasn't worthy, 2) I didn't deserve it. 3) It would be taken away eventually anyway...

I have lived in a silent prison of not having any clue what this love looks like, and God has taken my hand, gently guided me through those doors, and showing my eyes new scenery, even though I have glanced at it all before at a distance. It's personal and it's for me. I am getting a tour guide of this love by the Father himself!!!

You know, this girl has to write! and has been writing...and will continue writing... unfortunately for you right now, you don't get to view my personal journal:) I am writing...and it is turning into a love story... And it's real! And I can touch it and feel it in the deepest place of my heart! And someday, I will share it! I will live it! I will preach it! I will direct others to the throneroom when they don't feel worthy enough to walk alone! It is a real life story - one of a Father who adores and cherishes and CHOOSES and seeks out His beautiful daughter, a beloved Princess!!!!

...and her name is Heaven...

Trusting God

My son has been pretty sick lately. Even though he's an adult, I still worry about him. I probably get annoying as I ask the same questi...