August 30, 2011

No Husband??? Like forever???

"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no HUSBAND???

Psalm 63:1
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If you are familiar with the above Bible passage, you will recognize that the word HUSBAND has replaced the word WATER.

"...my body longs for you...where there is no water."

I've spent many of my adult years single. I was married for four years, but separated for 2 1/2 of those four years.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up and be a doctor, a wife, and a mommy. I became a mommy first. I never became a doctor. My dream as a wife fizzled shortly after I said, "I do."

In the good times of my marriage, I loved being a wife. I loved cooking, taking care of the kids and house, and greeting my husband at the door. I loved the companionship and friendship. I loved the kissing and hand-holding and romance. I loved the dream of what I envisioned a marriage to be.

When times got hard, I still loved being a wife. When times got even harder, I still longed to be his wife. When things were totally dissolved, I still wanted to be a wife. After being divorced for 2 1/2 years, I still long to be someone's wife again someday.

Several months ago, God asked me if I would give Him my desire to be a wife.

I agreed and said, "Yes, God." (of course after many tears)

The last week, I have been observing couples who are in love. The "newly dating" couples. The "50 year anniversary" couples. The "Best Friend" couples.

I have found myself longing for that.

Again.

And so the wording for the above scripture was birthed...

What are you longing for today? A relationship? A job promotion? A dream? A desire? Children?

What if another husband is not in God's plan for my life? What if I'm meant to go solo until I die or until Jesus returns? Can I be o-kay with that? Will I be o-kay with that? Will I still love God the same? Will I still trust Him with my heart?

Yes. I will. And I do.

Because I know He holds my world in His hands.

So, what do I do with my desires when they come? What do I do when that dream invades my heart and longs to be fulfilled?

I go back to God and proclaim:

"O God, you are my God,

earnestly I(CHOOSE TO) seek you;

my soul(CHOOSES TO) thirst for you,

my body (CHOOSES TO) long for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water_(your dream here)__

Psalm 63:1




August 25, 2011

"I'm good, thanks." (But really, I'm not!)

"Hey, I'm at the store and I'm wondering what you need," my friend's voice declares confidently on the other end of the phone.


"I'm good, thanks. I appreciate you asking! That was so sweet of you." (This tends to be a "pat" answer for me...you know...because if I did need something, I seldom would let anyone know.)


"Um...I asked you what you needed." She firmly stated.

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This is my friend, "L", who ALWAYS calls at the PERFECT moment with the simple question, "What's up?"

Now this could be just a general "how are ya?" question, but with "L", that question comes with the interpretation (implied, yet unspoken) : "God placed you on my heart just now. What's going on? How can I pray for you?"

This is also my friend, "L", who provided my "Mint green box of tissues" I wrote about HERE.

This is also my friend, "L", who shows up at my door, at the exact time that I'm praying about a need I have, with the needed item.

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As I heard her question me the second time, my mind began to replay the scenario of my quiet time with God earlier this week.

"God, these are the items I know I will run out of before I get paid again. I do not know what to do. I have no more money coming in & these are my essentials. Please provide." I wrote the list down in my prayer journal, and I continued on with my day knowing He would provide.
From the time she asked me what I needed until the time I answered her was probably only a few seconds, but it seemed like forever as I began to talk to myself and to God. I felt a "God conversation" coming on:

"You asked ME to provide, right?"

"Yes Lord, but why do I have to tell her? That's so embarrassing! Why can't you just tell "L" what I need? I dislike being 'needy'".

"Because, dear child. I'm teaching you a new thing."

"O-kay. Fine."

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"I could use some toilet paper." I shyly sputtered out the words.

"O-kay, sounds good. I'll drop it off later," She said.

"Thank you SO much "L". You're an answer to my prayer!"

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I LOVE being the one that can bless someone else! I LOVE being the "giver"!

I struggle with "NEEDING"! Ugh! I just want to give, give, give!

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I think back to the other people who have recently asked what they can do for me. I get sad because I have been too prideful to tell them I'm in need. I have been doing so well financially over the past year and I feel like I'm stepping backward by asking for help. I have stole the blessing from them because they just wanted to bless me. It makes me sad because I get sad when I don't know how to bless someone else.

Sigh.

Thank you Jesus for another teaching moment.

I could not bring myself to ask for anything else on my "list". I was prideful. I was ashamed. I felt "less than". I felt "needy" and that's not a comfortable place for me to be.

Sigh.

When someone asks you what you need, they want to bless you. They want to truly reach out and help. Allow them to be there for you. Don't steal their blessing from them. Whether it's a meal, or an offer to babysit, or tangible items, or an offer to help clean your house, or even if you need prayer.

God is faithful to provide!

Blessings friends!

August 24, 2011

21 years ago...

...my father took his last breath...

in a hospital bed...

After hanging on...

silently...

day after day...

for 7 days...

in a coma...
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DAY 1- DAY 3
The doctors said:--->

He's brain dead.
Wait!
He's not brain dead.
Never mind.
I guess he's brain dead after all.
He's not breathing on his own.
He will never wake up.
He could be in a coma for years.
He will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
"I recommend you pull the plug."

"Heaven, (15yo girl), what do YOU want?"
(I want my dad to jump up & hug me & talk to me!!!)

"...um...I don't know."

Life support disconnected.

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"It should only be a few hours now."
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Waiting.
Pacing.
Crying.
Waiting...

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4 DAYS LATER...

"Maybe we should put a feeding tube in!"
"He's breathing on his own."
"There is still brain activity."
"He's hanging on."
"He's a fighter."
"I can't believe he's still here!"
"The probabilities are high!"
"He should have died."
"He can come out of this."
"Let's give it another shot!"

RECOMMENDATION...
Short Surgery time to put a feeding tube in.
(My aunt & I joyfully go eat lunch)

---------------------------------------------
INTERCOM:
(20 minutes later)

"Would the family of Jerry Moorhouse please
return to the patient's room?"
---------------------------------------------

"Wow! That was really quick!"

--------------------------------------------

"I'm sorry"
"He's gone."

"It's almost as if he waited until
no one was around...
and then gave up."

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21 YEARS AGO, My dad shot himself.
21 YEARS LATER, his 5 adult children still mourn.

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We remember this day each year...
and still wonder...

what life would've been like if...

  • He could have seen us each graduate.
  • He could have "given away" his 3 daughters on their wedding days.
  • He could have met his youngest son's wife.
  • He could have met his oldest son's fiance.
  • He could have met his grandchildren.

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Suicide is never the answer.
Ever...

21 years is a LONG time...

To
leave
your
children
behind
to
long
for
just
one
more
word,
one
more
hug,
ONE
MORE...

"I love you."

August 20, 2011

Trusting God

My son has been pretty sick lately. Even though he's an adult, I still worry about him. I probably get annoying as I ask the same questi...