2009 is almost over? PART 2

So as I sit here this evening, analyzing my motives, my actions, my thoughts, and my attitudes, I realize I'm feeling disappointment and regret... ...because I allowed another year to pass and I sit here with nothing to show for it!!! Or do I???

PART 2

Christmas 2008

Here sat a girl wounded and broken, going through a divorce, questioning every decision she made, wondering if anyone could ever really love her- completely, wholly, and unconditionally...Feeling empty and lost inside, filled with depression, anxiety, and lack of purpose.

Christmas 2009

Here sits a woman, who fought through obstacle after obstacle, trying to find the One true love of her life...now with a mended heart, joy unspeakable, and purpose. She knows without a doubt that the Creator of the universe, the Lord of the heavens, the Savior of this world is completely in love with His creation-Her! She knows the love of a Father she never had and she calls him Papa God! She stands at the top of a mountain looking at all the incredible things God has for her! She sings because she is happy! She laughs because it's real! She encourages because she believes everyone can have what she has! She lives-and lives life to the fullest because she can! She believes in the dreams of her heart and plans to go after them because she knows they are HERS!

Hmmm... She has much to show for 2009...

2009 is almost over?

My title says what lies in my heart at this moment. I sit here wondering where my year went.

I sit with similar dreams locked deep in my heart, that I didn't pursue this year. I sit with more weight than I started the year off with. I sit here with doubts and failures wondering, "What will truly be different this year?"

I have found myself extremely irritated today-mostly over the small things that really shouldn't get to me... I have been on the verge of tears for days now. I napped today as well as yesterday, and I could easily sleep on and on and on:)

Sigh...what am I avoiding? What am I afraid of? What truly is the heart matter of my irritation and aggravation? And what's up with sleeping more???

So as I sit here this evening, analyzing my motives, my actions, my thoughts, and my attitudes, I realize I'm feeling disappointment and regret...

...because I allowed another year to pass and I sit here with nothing to show for it!!!

Or do I???

(To be continued...)

If/Then...

IF my people, who are called by my name,
will humble themselves
and PRAY and SEEK my face
and TURN from their wicked ways,
THEN will I hear from heaven and
will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14


(Image by Tiffany Vox)

God has many IF/THEN's in the Bible...

Do you ever wonder why some people get their "breakthrough" and why others do not? I used to. I actually used to get mad at God because people were getting blessed and I was "stuck" in my own prison.

One of the key elements of those people receiving their blessing and breakthrough is that they NEVER gave up. They pressed through the obstacles that came their way. They pushed past the oppression that tried to suffocate them. They kept proclaiming the promises that God had given them specifically for their life and for their families.

They didn't quit because they WANTED and DESIRED what was ahead of them! Others knew that turning back wasn't an option, so they continued to go forward.

For me, I kept going because I got tired of going around this mountain over and over and over. I kept going because I desired the freedom others had already received. I kept going because I knew there was a destiny and purpose for my life other than what I was experiencing.

God would lead me to verses about "joy" and living life "more abundantly", and I'd know in my heart, I was not experiencing either! BUT I WANTED TO. I wanted what others had. I wanted to be free. I wanted to switch from being "needy" to being "needed".

As I gave up things (and people) that God asked me to, I would get even angrier, because I still wasn't being blessed or breaking through. At several points throughout the last year, I told God,

"I have given up _________and _________and _________ and _______, and what am I getting in return??? NOTHING!!!"

I have a very open relationship with God. He knows our thoughts, feelings, disappointments- He knows it all. He doesn't want us to pretend with Him or be the "polite" Christian- being fake or pretending we feel something we don't. In fact, much of what I know about my Heavenly Father, came from my honest conversations with Him.

I share that, not to say, "disrespect God who is Holy", but to say that EVEN though God is Holy, He is also my Father, whom I don't have to "pretend" around.

In those moments of anger and openness with My Father God, He would gently wrap my heart in His arms, and whisper words of encouragement, love, and adoration to my Spirit.

"Keep going, sweet daughter...My ways are so much higher than yours, and My thoughts are not your thoughts. What you don't see is how I am molding you into your destiny, one choice at a time. I am so proud of you! Keep leaning on Me, and don't give up! You are almost to the top of this mountain before you."

He brought me to the top...He gave me my breakthrough! AND He wants to do the same for you!!!

Keep pressing on and DO NOT give up!!!!

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~Father God~

The word "testimony" means to "do it again!". I pray Lord God, that YOU as I share my testimonies, that YOU would DO IT AGAIN!!! Do it again for my friends! In their lives, may YOUR glory be revealed and YOUR power released in their hopeless situations and circumstances. Father, I know how hard it is to keep pressing on, because it gets soooooo tiring and it is sooooooo easy to quit! I know the pain and striving it takes to climb that mountain when the screams of the body and soul is saying, "I can't do this anymore!" I know the frustration of seeing everyone else get "free", yet being so entangled in your own prison. I know the longing and desires of wanting to be "birthed" into what You've called me to!

Oh Jesus, You know it too! You know everything we feel, everything we have faced, and everything that is still to come! I pray YOUR persevering power into my friends' lives!!! For ANYONE reading this blog, for anyone who doesn't even know it exists!!! Pour out YOUR Spirit of breakthrough in the lives of those who are seeking YOU! Let them know that they know that they KNOW that there IS more to this life!!! AND IT IS SOOOOOOOOO FULFILLING!!!!! Thank You for Your grace and mercy upon us! Thank YOU for NEVER giving up on me- my stubbornness and all!!! I love You soooo much!!!

In Jesus' precious name, Let it be done!!! AMEN!!!

I have Power???

The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from
the dead, lives in you.
And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead,
he will give life
to your mortal bodies by this
same Spirit living within you.
Romans 8:11 (NLT)

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WOWZERS!!! Did you get that???

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IF you have invited Jesus Christ into your heart,
YOU HAVE the SAME Spirit inside of you that
RAISED JESUS FROM THE DEAD!!!

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IF you haven't...

...THEN WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR???

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God NOT ONLY gives us a NEW LIFE....

...BUT POWER & AUTHORITY

to LIVE that new life!!!

NOT ONLY power & authority...

...BUT...

...VICTORY!!!!!!!
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Are YOU living victorious today???

Are YOU living in the FREEDOM Jesus offers???

Are YOU living your life FULL OF JOY???

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~~~~Dear Jesus~~~~

I lift up my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I lift of those who have not YET chosen You. I pray that YOU would flood their world with YOUR presence! I pray that YOU would draw them into YOUR amazing love and grace and hope and peace! I claim VICTORY & FREEDOM into their lives today! I pray that the SAME SPIRIT that RAISED YOU up from the grave would RISE UP within each one of us! I pray that WE WOULD BECOME EMPOWERED by YOUR Spirit within us! I pray that our eyes would be able to see TRUTH! THE TRUTH about who we are because of WHO YOU ARE!!! Oh, Jesus, I pray for those who have never chosen to walk life with YOU, or for those who have walked away...I pray that YOU would shine light into their heart and their mind and that you would awaken their desire to LIVE WITH AND FOR YOU, -which YOU placed within each person created!!!

I pray for those struggling to reach the mountain top. I pray for those who have lost their joy and direction. I pray for those who can't find their purpose or are afraid to step into their future. I pray for those who LONG for freedom, LONG for restoration, LONG for HOPE and PEACE. YOU know each one who is tired and weary and those who don't want to go on. Dear Jesus, meet each one of them right where they are at, and touch their hearts like never before! RESTORE, REBUILD, REMODEL, RE-ENGAGE, RE-PLANT, RE-SOIL, RENEW.

Thank You Jesus for who You are, for what YOU have done, and for all that You are still accomplishing!!! You are soooooo amazing and I praise You for Your grace and Your restoration in my life!

In Jesus' precious name, Amen

Remembering...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about (remember) such things." Philippians 4:8

Remember- keep in mind, bear in mind, call to mind, cite, conjure up, dig into the past, dwell upon, fix in the mind, have memories, hold dear, keep forever, know by heart, memorialize, recall, recollect, refresh memory, remind, think back...

Awwww....how many times does your mind wander each day? What consumes your thoughts? Are there memories that you hold dear? Do you dig into the past to edify your "todays" or to haunt your "tomorrows"? What "fixed" memories do you meditate on? Are they keeping you grounded and focused on Christ or do they send you into a state of condemnation, leaving you bound for failure?

I used to have a problem with remembering. (And I don't mean the kind that comes with age- like forgetting)

I remembered and thoughts on the wrong things: past failures, mistakes, grievances, broken hearts, hurts, sins (my own and those of others), grudges, and so forth.

My mind used to wander quite often throughout the day. At the end of the day, my mind was exhausted, yet I did nothing strenuous. Have you ever had that problem???

I figured out that I allowed my mind to gravitate towards those negative things that sucked my energy. Note the word "allowed". We are to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5, yet how often do we "allow" our thoughts to take us captive.

Heavenly Father~

Today, I choose to remember what You've done in my life. I thank You that You are Truth! I thank You that You are noble, right, pure, lovely, & admirable! I thank You that You are the perfect example of all of those qualities. I thank You for giving me the "mind of Christ", and the power over my thoughts. Help me to think "excellence" in all I do, say, or think. Help me to develop an attitude of praise. May I meditate on Your word and become "fixed in purpose", not wavering to the left or to the right. I pray I would begin to start speaking to the champion in myself and in those around me, that we may rise up and become ALL that You would have us be. Most of all, may I remember where I've come from and the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for me on the cross that has gotten me to where I am today.

In Jesus' name, Amen~

Remembering on PURPOSE!

(This post was 1st published in Jan. 2009)

Who am I

We had a breakthrough during our church service this morning! God is incredible!!! I am simply in awe at His grace and mercy and love for me. I seriously wish I could give you what I feel right now. I wish I could somehow upload into your heart what God has downloaded into mine. My "hard drive" is overflowing with God's supernatural touch!

The boys and I were watching Evan Almighty tonight. We've seen it many times before; yet tonight, I noticed one conversation out of the whole movie. Evan is talking to God and saying, "Why? Why have you chosen me?"

God told him..."You want to change the world...and so do I!"

So many times, I've asked God similar questions. I look around at my life, and at all the things God has done in and through me, and I am totally floored!

1 Chronicles 17:16:17 Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said:
"Who am I, O LORD God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? ¹⁷ And as if this were not enough in your sight, O God, you have spoken about the future of the house of your servant. You have looked on me as though I were the most exalted of men, O LORD God.

I am blessed more than I could have ever imagined or dreamed!

Oh Heavenly Father~ I pray for those who are reading this...You see each heart and every emotion they feel! You know the ones who don't even have the strength to dream anymore. You know the ones who are believing the lies of the enemy as he tells them that they must not be good enough. You know the ones who are tired of going forward and fighting the same battles over and over and over. You know the ones who rejoice as, they too, have crossed into Your threshold. You know the ones who get up only to be knocked down again. You see the ones who are longing to be "birthed". You see the ones who just want to be used by you! You see the lonely and afflicted, the confused and the scared...Oh God, you see them all.
They need Your touch in their life! Oh Father, I have so much extra joy and blessings in my heart, and I'd gladly share, but I know that You have a special call on each person's life. You have special gifts for each and every person and I pray that You would pour those out into their lives. Open up the windows of heaven and let Your power fall over the "impossible situations", the "doomed people", the "Hopeless"...
God, if YOU can move mightily in my life, I KNOW You can move in their life!!! Let it be done in Jesus Name!!! Amen~

Envision...

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9 NIV

What would it look like if you were free from all of the emotional and mental "baggage" you carry around? How would it feel not to have the weight of the world on your shoulders? What if God came into your world and did more for you than you could ever imagine or dream?

Are there worrisome thoughts or anxieties that steal your joy? Do you have past failures that you cannot forgive yourself for? Do you "self-soothe" through activities or substances that are not healthy to your body (or your mind or soul)? Are you tired of having "dreams" or aspirations for your future and getting no where with them?

Well, today, I want you to envision what your life would be like if you could do anything you set your heart to. Envision the view in front of you if you could just climb over the mountain in your way.

Dictionary.com defines Envision as this: to picture mentally, esp. some future event or events: to envision a bright future. Synonyms include: anticipate, contemplate, conceptualize, foresee, grasp, imagine, see, view, visualize...

Envision freedom from... depression; people pleasing; self-destructing behaviors; wrong thinking; judgmental attitudes; addictions; anxiety; self-defeating way of life; being a work-a-holic...

Envision not being afraid! Envision freedom from fear of... failure, rejection, success, people, new adventures, becoming too prideful...

Envision feeling good about yourself! Envision freedom from...self-condemnation; unworthiness; striving for acceptance; not being good enough; being your own worst critic; never measuring up; never forgiving yourself...

Can you get a sense in your heart of what that would feel like? Can you feel the weight lifting off as you dream and envision, OR are you shutting that down because you don't want to dream because "it doesn't happen anyway"...

Will you take a risk today and dream/envision/imagine/visualize what your life would be like if you if you were FREE from those things that weigh you down???

I want you to write that down somewhere and keep it in a place you can refer to it often. The more you look at it, the more you will begin to believe it's possible! The more you believe it's possible, the more actions you will take to "move you" there. The more actions you take to "move you" there, the sooner you will experience your freedom!


~Heavenly Father, I pray for those reading this that You would plant a dream in their heart. Help them to envision their life without the baggage that has tried to make its permanent home in their heart. Oh Father, show them Your hope and your aspirations for their life. Help them to dream again! I pray for a tangible touch of your love on each person visiting this blog...Lord, SHOW UP in their lives in ways that are so much higher than ours. May your dreams for them be more than what they could ever imagine. Put your protection over each person as they begin to envision Your freedom! In Jesus' name, Amen~

BREAKTHROUGH

Breakthrough

1. An act of overcoming or penetrating an obstacle or restriction.

2. A military offensive that penetrates an enemy's lines of defense.

3. A major achievement or success that permits further progress, as in technology.

Oooooohhhhh!!!! Check out the definition of "breakthrough"! Does it make you want it? Does it cause a passion to rise up in you? Does it make you wonder if there REALLY is more to this life than just living and dying? Does it make you crave it? Does it make you want to know if it's possible for you? Does it cause something to stir in the deepest part of your heart and soul?

If it does, I encourage you to hang out with me on this journey, because I am THERE! I KNOW it's possible for YOU to be here with me! I KNOW I'm going "forward" in life and will take anyone with me willing to follow! You can take it at your own speed...step by step, sometimes inch by inch...but I can tell you that if you do, God will "show up" in your life MORE than you can EVER dream or imagine!!!

I want to teach you, show you, encourage you, offer you hope, and be YOUR cheerleader as you walk with me. Often when I "get somewhere" in life, I don't remember how I got there, I just know I did. This time, through God's amazing, amazing working, I see the steps of HOW I got here. As God leads, I will share with you these nuggets of truth, as well as my real life experiences to back it up. I pray that God will lead the people here that need to be here. I pray that He opens up the eyes and the ears of those who have been lied to by this world that "THIS IS ALL LIFE OFFERS".

Hmmm...SO NOT TRUE! Jesus Christ came so that we could have LIFE & LIFE MORE ABUNDANTLY!!! For the first time in my life, I AM BEGINNING TO LIVE IN THAT- in my heart, soul, mind, and spirit!

So today, STEP 1- You have to choose...Do you want to come along for the ride? Do you want to go where God is taking me? Do you want breakthrough? Do you want to know if there is more to this life? Do you want to live life MORE abundantly and more joyfully? Do you want to start making a difference in the lives around you? Do you want to be FREE of the baggage holding you back? Then, take my hand and let's go!

Think about it. If you need to come back at a later time, I'll still be here. But I need to let you know now, that I AM going forward at however fast or slow God takes me. God is the engine and the fuel that drives this train, I am simply hanging onto Him. Sometimes I'll be at the front of the train, sometimes I'll be in the middle, and sometimes I will even be at the rear holding the hand of the one who can't do it alone! It is my goal to take your hand, link you up with the Heavenly Captain, and show you how to embrace HIS hand on your own. It is my goal to learn from you as well! I DO KNOW I am experiencing breakthrough after breakthrough and I WANT YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE FREEDOM AND PASSION AND JOY that I feel!

I want to SHOUT it from the rooftops that YOU CAN BE FREE! My heart has been held captive for sooooooooooo long, and it's not anymore!

So...today is a choice...

Do you want to go forward and take possession of "every good and perfect gift" that God wants to offer you? For today...this moment...you simply have to choose:)

Love ya all and I'll be back tomorrow:)

"God, where are YOU?"

Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me. Psalm 71:2

David must have been feeling ignored by God when He wrote this. "GOD, where are YOU? Why aren't YOU listening? I CAN'T take this life anymore!" I can feel the desperation in his words: RESCUE me; DELIVER me; TURN...to me; SAVE me!!! Can you relate to David?

Maybe he wasn't seeing instant results to his prayers. Maybe he felt like God left him. Maybe he felt like God owed him something. Maybe he just felt alone and scared and couldn't understand where God was at that moment. Maybe he was overcome by his own guilt and shame and wanted to hide even from himself as well as memories of his past poor choices. Maybe he was tired of living in his own "hell" and was begging God to rescue him. Maybe he doubted the presence of God in his life at that moment. Maybe everything in his life was going wrong and he felt so hopeless...

I know many people who are in that exact same spot today, including Christians: feeling hopeless and overwhelmed by the life they daily wake up to. The "same problems, different day." The ones who are beginning to wonder if God has given up on them because no matter what they do, they are still "stuck" and hurting. I know Christians who plead with Jesus to "hurry and come back", because the aching in their heart is on overload. Others "work, work, work" just to escape the jungle and cloudiness that has formed in their mind. There are those who drink, eat, shop, do drugs, sleep, etc. to drown out the pain. People are feeling hopeless and are tired of fighting! Tired of praying for things that never come to pass! Tired of waiting for "this God" to show up in their life.

It breaks my heart because I know people, including Christians, who want to die. Not because they want to stop living, but because they can't take the pain, sorrow, anxiety, and cares of this world anymore! BUT most people put on their happy, little, pretty smile and whistle while they work, so that others can't see the desperation of their heart. Others withdraw and isolate theirselves because they can't even pretend to be "ok" anymore.

I "get" that! I "get" the desperation in David's life! I "get" the thoughts of 'God is ignoring me!' I "get" feeling like I will never get over the mountain! I "get" being frustrated with people who claim that 'God is so wonderful', and yet He is not being very wonderful in my life! I sooooo totally "get" that! I "get" feeling like God has hurt and disappointed me!

I have been there countless times...

I got tired of "fighting battles" everytime I turned around...

I kept doing what I was supposed to do, yet kept getting knocked down!

People told me to keep "fighting", keep pressing on, keep believing, keep proclaiming, keep the faith...

...and even tho I felt crushed over those right choices that hurt sooooo much, and even though I was soooooooooo tired of pushing and pushing and walking forward and never getting anywhere (so it seemed)...I STILL DID IT!

...even tho I cried a million tears, slept hours and hours to cope, I STILL CHOSE to wake up and FIGHT the battle, praying and begging God to change me and "move" in my life.

I HAVE BROKEN THROUGH!!!

I PRESSED ON(Each day, God took the little I had to give Him)! I DID NOT GIVE UP! I KEPT SEEKING GOD NO MATTER WHAT MY CIRCUMSTANCES SAID! I KEPT BELIEVING IN GOD EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMED LIKE HE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO ME! I PERSEVERED EVEN WHEN, AT TIMES, IT HURT LIKE HELL!

I praise God for the people who kept telling me to press on! I praise God for the spirit inside of me that enabled me to fight day after day! I praise God that because I went through the things I did, that I can sit here and tell you "FIGHT" and "DO NOT GIVE UP!"

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES!

I KNOW THAT GOD NEVER LEAVES US OR FORSAKES US!

I KNOW THAT GOD IS THE PERFECT FATHER!

I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO BE DEFEATED!

I KNOW I AM HEALED OF DEPRESSION!

I KNOW I AM LOVED & ADORED BY GOD!

I KNOW ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD!

I KNOW I CAN LOOK FORWARD TO LIVING EVERY DAY!!!

I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW!!!!!!!!!


...and because I KNOW what God is doing and has done in my life, NO ONE CAN convince me that my GOD isn't real!

Soooooooooo, IF you are at a point where you want a different life, a more fulfilling life, a victorious life, THEN KEEP PRESSING ON IN CHRIST JESUS AND DO NOT QUIT! Find a Christian to "partner" up you and walk beside you to be your cheerleader! How desperate are you for change??? How desperate are you for freedom???

If you do not have Jesus Christ as your Savior, Lord, and friend...He will take you just as you are!!! But again, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE! If you feel hurt by God, give HIM another chance to show you how much HE LOVES YOU!!!

My son peeked over my shoulder, and said, "Mom, seriously, why do you always write about God? People are going to get soooooo tired of you and think that you are crazy!"

The answer, my son, is simply this:

I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT GOD IS REAL AND THAT I AM NOT THE SAME BECAUSE OF WHAT HE HAS DONE IN MY LIFE!!! I WANT OTHERS TO KNOW THERE IS HOPE! THERE IS MORE TO THIS LIFE!

Isaiah 61
¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners...

My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.
Psalm 71:23

CHARGE!!!

Today is a day that I have to FIGHT for my mind! I just got done tweeting, and I also need to put this on my blog as well!

I have always let myself become defeated by the voice of the enemy. Most of the time, the broken records are in my mind, so he doesn't have to do much work. I spent the morning sleeping to cope. I woke up and didn't want to fight today! Most of the time, I sleep when I don't want to deal with my life. God has put so many dreams and desires in my heart, and because of the way I feel about myself, I don't do them. Or else I start them, only to convince myself that I am not worthy to be doing them.

I look at other Christians as better than me because they "seem" to have it all together and I usually don't see their struggles in their heart. Occasionally, I lose control of my tongue. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I swear, sometimes the thoughts in my heart are not very pleasing to God or to myself.

The thing about self-defeated-ness is that I can do the destroying all by myself. My flesh and mind is not trained to stand up against the enemy for long periods of time. I can give the best "talk" or "pep-talk" in the world for someone else, but when it comes to myself, I give up before I even start. I hang onto the guilt of the sins I commit, and do not forgive myself. In essence, I turn down the forgiveness Jesus offers and try to convince HIM how horrible my sin was and how He really doesn't want to use me.

YET, there is a part of me that wants to believe that I AM WORTHY His love and acceptance and His gifts and favor and mercy and grace! There is a part of me that wants to break out of the cocoon I PUT MYSELF in and become EVERYTHING God wants me to be. I mean, come on, HE NAMED me Heaven, for crying out loud! Heaven-the treasured place where we all want to go when we die! There has GOT to be a great destiny for me and yet, I SLEEP!

Anyway, this is what I just got done tweeting, because I know I am NOT the only one being defeated by self-condemning thoughts!!! I want to share with YOU hope and encouragement that WE CAN step into those things God is calling us to because WE ARE WORTHY! We ARE GOD'S KIDS! And WE HAVE A DESTINY THAT IS OURS FOR THE TAKING (and fighting!)

TWEETS
Today is a CHOOSE TO "fight" day that I described on my blog last night. I feel like the baby in the womb longing to be born! I'm having spiritual birthing pains except I'm the one being birthed! I'm the one screaming to get out of this warm and comfy environment because it's not comfy anymore. I'm restricted and squished! I want to be free! I'm tired of being pushed! It's accelerating and I'm ready to breathe and live and move and walk in all God has called me to. I'm tired of being restricted within the limitations I HAVE PUT on myself! I want to stretch and move freely. I started dreaming again and I want to fulfill those dreams. I'm tired of being bound by my self-defeating excuses! I AM GOOD ENOUGH! Not by my standards, BUT BECAUSE GOD SAYS SO!!! I'm tired of believing LIES OF THE ENEMY! I'm sick of the broken records in my head telling me everything in life is my fault! Telling me I'm worthless! Telling me I don't count and DON"T matter! I DO matter because GOD CHOSE ME! I'm tired of starting something only to allow him to tell me I can't do it! I WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR CHRIST AND I WILL IMPACT LIVES! I will go forward! I WILL NOT BOW ANY LONGER to the smoke screen threats yelling "unworthiness"! Greater is HE IN ME than he that is in this world. I HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST! And when Jesus was confronted by satan in the wilderness, he did not BOW! He said...IT IS WRITTEN...AWAY FROM ME SATAN! It is written that I AM a child of the most high King! My worth and self-esteem comes from my Father in heaven! I am more than a conquerer and I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! If you are a child of the most high King, THAT is for YOU too! If you are not, GOD WILL TAKE YOU INTO HIS ARMS JUST AS YOU ARE, BUT you have to choose!

Be courageous!

"Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13



A soldier needs courage which Websters defines as: the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.


Many times in the Bible, God's Word, we are instructed to be courageous. A synonym of courage is brave which has been defined as:to meet or face courageously, to defy, challenge or dare. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.



When ever I read definitions like those of Courage or Brave, something from the deepest part of my soul rises to the surface as my heart longs to reflect those meanings. A "fight" awakens in me when I realize that I CAN "meet my circumstances courageously". A part of me becomes alive with that "fight" I usually don't realize I possess.



Soldiers aren't wimps! They are trained, equipped, and prepared for battle. They arm theirselves with artillery more than adequate for the battle they are about to face. A strategy is devised by getting to know the way of their enemy, and their plan of attack. There is a mind set that has to be meditated on and an attitude of defeat is NOT allowed. There is no turning back until they have conquered the mission before them.



Christians are God's army! Soldiers who are instructed to press on, run with perseverance, and to stand firm!



The problem I have found in my own life is my mindset. I usually am defeated before I even begin. I'm tired of that. I start on a mission, only to have the enemy say, "Boo", and I quickly retreat. Since when are soldiers supposed to be polite in battle? Since when do soldiers retreat when their enemy appears with a smoke bomb? Their mind HAS to be trained for victory and conquering!!! Their mind has to overcome the fear that they face. There is a point when the mission is "attack" without reserve, pause, or retreat.



A battle isn't fought through strength alone. The foundation of victory comes by strategy, action, and perseverance. I can imagine a soldier gets tired and weary. It's got to be exhausting to fight, BUT they go on because they know the victory is coming. They know the reason for fighting and they believe in what they are fighting for.



So, in this battle for my mind and going forward DESPITE what my feelings are, I need to girded and focused with an attitude of victory. So the next time my mind tells me this (as Saul told David in 1 Samuel 17:33): "You are not able to go out against this [giant] and fight him..."



I can reply as David did to Saul in the next three verses: "...When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, ³⁵I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. ³⁶ Your servant has killed BOTH the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine [GIANT] will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. ³⁷ The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine."

Grateful!

Wow, it seems like an eternity since I've been able to blog. For me, it's so different than journaling on my computer. Not sure why, but it is.

This has been a tough six months, BUT I'd do it again in a heartbeat because of all I've learned and the ways I have grown. For those of you who have followed my tweets, you have been able to share in some of those, but mostly only hints of events have been shared. I look forward to sharing with you the things I have learned in my time "away" from my computer:)

The boys and I moved at the end of October. As I shared before, it was a "total God move". Each step and moment of the way left me on the edge of my seat because I had NO clue where I was going, how I was going to move, and who was going to help me move. All I knew was I needed to move. My trailer was cute and it was home, but I needed to get my finances in order, and therefore, that meant downsizing into something more affordable.

Since our move, we have officially "settled in" and made this apartment our new home. The boys had to change schools, and leave behind what was familiar to them. Dylan adjusted quite well from the beginning. Zach...he's an 8th grader and this was hard for him! The struggles have been huge and heartbreaking, but they have also strengthened my faith, and pushed me out of my comfort zone as well! Ha, love being on the edge of the "nest" with God telling me to fly:)

My car died, and that took away my freedom to "go" whenever I wanted. I went through a little depression and had my pity party, and now back on the up-swing of life. I have been writing a lot and spending a lot of time in God's presence. There has been some relationships in my life that have been severed and strained, yet I press on, trusting them to God.

Change is hard, but necessary in this thing we call life. God does take us into His arms exactly as we are, but He loves us enough not to leave us that way! He takes us out of the miry clay, cleans us up, so that we can help others out of that same pit. Praise God that someone went before me so they could help pull me out!

I have learned a lot about God and His character during this time. I have had some incredible revelations concerning His love, and lately, the authority He has given us in Christ Jesus! I love the journey I've been on even though it's been difficult...

I have also been drawing more, sewing more, and singing more. My drawing has shifted a bit, not sure what to make of that, or where that is headed, but it's cool. There are so many things God is showing me, and I have to be careful not to go before Him and jump ahead. THAT is fun, fun.

I'm just glad to be back. I thought I would be writing a profound post once I sat down, but as I sit in my chair, clicking on the keyboard, I just feel grateful to have this opportunity again. I am silenced by His mercy and grace...just thankful for all He's done for me in the time I've been away. I will share some pics at the end (just because I can!)

Well, thank you to those who prayed and encouraged and stood beside me. You guys ROCK! Love ya!

BTW, I opened my other blogs back up, so feel free to check them out as time goes by. Not sure what direction my "Heaven Designed" blog is going, but prayerfully will continue "Letters to God". Until TOMORROW (squeal!), toodles:)

Our new pet- Rhino:)

One of the drawings I did

Another drawing

Of course, our Christmas tree!
A couple weeks ago, Dylan
got baptized (will share more later)