January 4, 2019

Depression and medicine

At some point over the past year, I stopped having hobbies. 

I used to read and paint and do artsy-crafty stuff. I used to sing and listen to music and play keyboard. I used to volunteer and go for coffee and just chill. 

Over the past year, I have lost interest in these things. I will go to try to do something and the motivation and interest is gone. I think part of the problem is the medicine I am on for depression and anxiety. I think it numbs me...but it keeps me stable so I stay on it.

My Dr. recently quit, so I have an appointment with a new Dr. at the end of the month. With my previous Dr., I mentioned how I feel the medicine is numbing me and she didn't seem to eager to find another option. I mentioned it to her at two different appointments, and she said my options were limited because I have been on so many different types of medicines.

I've been medicated since the age of 16! That's crazy if  you think about it. Over 18 different anti-depressants! The doctor will find one that works, but over a couple of years, they stop working and we're back to square one again. 

Back to the topic of the new Doctor. I am hoping for a fresh pair of ears and eyes and ideas and insights. What if this doctor has a new idea for a better medicine? What if this doctor is the answer to my prayers to find a medicine that doesn't numb me?

I have hope that God will one day heal me. I have hope that one day, I will be able to be off of medicine. But until that day, I remain on medicine.

I used to have such shame that I was a Christian on anti-depressants. I used to believe that I wasn't doing something right or not doing enough to be able to live off of medicine. I used to think God wasn't hearing my prayers. I used to think I wasn't good enough.

The truth is that depression is a mental illness, just like diabetes is a physical illness. I take medicine for the diabetes in my body and don't think twice about it. I take it because my body needs it. So why should taking medicine for depression be any different?  I wish Christians talked about our mental health more. I wish it wasn't such a taboo subject. 

God, I thank you that you are healing me of the depression. I thank you that you have given doctors and inventors the ideas for medicine to help with depression. I thank you that You are faithful and that you hear our prayers to be rid of depression. I thank You that You give hope in the dark times. I thank You that one day I will be off of medicine. I thank You that You bring stability. I thank You that You go before me to my new doctor and that You have given her wisdom how to best help me. I thank You for never giving up on us. And I thank You that You have a plan and a future and that it is GOOD! In Jesus' name, amen

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