unkind words

Today was another day when I discovered that my reflection really was not very appealing. I had a moment of self-realization when my mouth spewed out nonsense to everyone I came in contact with.

To others, I normally appear to be mellow, gentle, humble, and meek; however, today was "attitude city" at my house. The amazing thing was that it wasn't my children's attitudes that needed to be checked, it was mine.

Most days, I bite my tongue a lot, and I try not to say mean things to people. If it doesn't benefit someone else, I really try not to speak it. If I do, I usually go back and apologize. I am known for encouraging people when I have a chance. I send out nice little cards to friends, I say 'thank you' a lot, and I like to bless people with kind words.

Oh my goodness, today was not one of those days. I found myself talking to my mother and saying things that I knew I wouldn't be able to take back. I opened my mouth, and out came unkind, judgmental, and harsh words.

I spoke to my son in an abrupt, authoritive, short manner without hearing his concerns or even listening, yet a couple hours later, I scolded him for speaking unkind and harsh to his friend. Whoa! This mama needed a time-out.

I sit quietly questioning why, how, and what. Why was I so short with everyone today? How do I take my words back or make it better? What am I not dealing with that is causing my temper to soar? What is it in my heart that I need to deal with? What do I need to change and focus my thoughts on?

I think of my mother and am saddened by the fact that I wounded her with my words, knowing I can't take back what I spoke. It would have been better to keep my mouth shut and not assume I know everything. I could have gently smiled and not let her comments bother me, yet I chose, by my own free will, to lash my own pain upon her.

Speaking of pain, what is the pain that plagued me to act in selfishness? What is unsettled in me? Could it be finances? Exhaustion? Despair? Loneliness? Sadness? Restlessness? All of the above???

I am irritated, unsettled, lonely, worried, scared, yet, I know that God has a plan for my life. I am hopeful because tomorrow is a new day. And with God's help and grace, I will make better choices tomorrow.

I will think before I speak. I will choose silence over spontaneous words. I will once again choose to bless instead of cause harm. I will listen more and speak less. I will ask God to put a guard on my mouth and only let me speak what is beneficial for building others up.

...but for tonight, I will say a prayer for my mother, and then take a few minutes to snuggle next to my son, who is peacefully sleeping in the other room...