Freedom by Fire (Pt. 2)

“Okay, God, not a problem. I give you my past.” That was easy enough. God then began to clarify what He meant by the thought He put inside of me. In my mind, I figured God was speaking to me figuratively. I closed my eyes and imagined myself tying my past to a helium balloon and releasing it into the air. “Bye-bye past, bye-bye.”

I felt God chuckle. What God was asking me to do was a quite literal act of obedience. When I closed my eyes again, I saw a room filled with stacks of garbage bags filled with “junk” of my relationship with my husband. “Alright, what is this Lord? I have been through healing of my past issues, so what are these bags still doing here?”

What God showed me was that my years of journals held my “junk” captive. I asked God again for more clarification, not understanding fully. He began to clarify for me. My written words bore pain, regret, bitterness, and victimization. Whoa! This was getting deep. I thought journaling was a good and safe way to express my emotions. “Lord, show me what You mean by that?” I questioned.

In a still, quiet voice within me, God whispered. “Every time you re-read your journals, you are bringing your past back to life. You choose to bring up old grievances, offenses, and hurtful memories that shackle the chains around your heart all over again.” Oh, ouch! How true that was. I could be in an excellent mood, and re-read something that happened in our relationship, and suddenly, I was ticked. I had forgotten all about “that” time. How dare he hurt me like that?

Not only was I stepping back into my shackles by re-living those memories, I also threw those shackles back onto my husband. The poor guy never had a chance to start over because I was constantly reminding him of his failures and shortcomings. To reword that correctly, at the first sign of an old behavior, I would remind him of all the times he hurt me, and instantly give him the cold shoulder. Jesus says, “You are a new creation in Christ.” I, as his wife, told him, “You will never change, why try?”