I know...

Tonight I want to write without repercussions. I want to spill my heart...yet the correct words don't come. I want to write, and have no one read what I have to say. I want to SCREAM yet my children might wake up. I want to sob loudly and have my voice be heard. I want to know why things happen the way they do. I want to know what God has in store for me. Sometimes, I am so busy looking behind me, that I can't see an inch ahead of me. Yet...I want to understand. I want to know why. I want the answers.

I know God is a big God. I know Jesus loves me. I know God is for me, and not against me. I know God has a plan for me. I know He has a future full of hope for me. I know this, yet somehow I don't trust this. Don't get me wrong. I really do trust God. Except times like this. I do trust the plan. Except when I don't understand. I know I'm loved. Except when I feel like He's taken things from me.

I have been reading the Psalms lately. Ah...David, the man after God's own heart. Yet he cried out to God often about feeling alone, betrayed, and forgotten. I read those Psalms and how I would love to lay it all out on the line like he did. Instead of writing encouraging posts on Facebook, I'd like to scream, "Ughhh...someone tell me how to keep my heart from hurting. Tell me how to let it go. Show me step-by-step what to do. Help me to stop crying & being depressed over the same stupid things."

The great thing about David is that even though he cried out to God relentlessly, he always ended most chapters with, "BUT, YOU oh Lord..." David didn't understand. David didn't have the answers to his "why's". David often felt alone. David seemed to cry out to God over the same things...yet always KNEW God was good. Despite the hurt and heartache, he declared God's goodness and faithfulness.

I have a hole in my heart the size of a broken dream...BUT God still has a plan!

I have tears that just won't stop falling...BUT God still holds my heart!

I can't seem to face my tomorrow's...BUT God still has hope for my future!

I wonder if I even heard from God...BUT God still continues to speak to me!

I can't stop asking the "why's"...BUT God is still patient & listens to me!

I am stuck in this moment...BUT God still has my hand!

I just want to "feel" better...AND GOD IS THE ANSWER!!!

I know I can't have all the answers. I know I don't get to know all of the "why's". I know God has more in store for me. I know He has the ultimate blueprints of my life. I know all of this. I know the verses to claim. I know the right thing to say. I know life is better with God. I know what He has done for me. I know He's changed my life. I know...

...but tonight, I'm sad. I'm tired of my heart feeling like it's being ripped out. I want the thoughts of the past gone. I want the broken dreams healed, and if God won't heal them, I don't want them at all. I count down the days and I don't know if I will feel more relieved or crushed. I feel like I'm in limbo. There is still time for God to perform a miracle...but I don't know if He will. And if He doesn't, then do I lose faith in Him? Will I quit trusting? I believed and I feel like God let me down again. How do I keep on dreaming? BUT...

...I know God is still good! I know that as I hurt, His arms are gently caressing my wounded heart. He stills me with His love. He sings me to sleep with whispers of lullabies. Part of me wants to let go and walk away...BUT despite my feelings, I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that God still has my back! He still knows what is best for me, even when I can't see it. I know I should be over this...for the 50th millionth time in my life...but I'm not. But I want to be. And I know even though I feel God has let me down, I know He is the only one who can help me through this.

Father God, my daddy, can I come to You as Your little girl tonight? I am angry at You. I feel like you let me down. I feel like You have "toyed" with my feelings. I am sorry I feel this way. I want to trust You. I want to crawl up in Your heavenly lap and feel Your strong arms around me. I want to hear You say it's o-kay. I want to hear You say I'm o-kay, and that just because He rejected me, doesn't mean that I am rejected. I don't understand. I want to be o-kay with You telling me "everything will be fine."

As I withhold some things from my own children, I wish they could understand why they can't have what they want. I just want the best for them. I'm trying to protect them. How much better of a parent are You? I don't like change. I don't like being on rocky ground. I don't like my heart hurting all the time. I don't like feeling out-of-control, yet as I write this, I wonder if You are asking me to give You total control of my life...because You know best...you love me...& because You want to protect me. Daddy, right now, I have tunnel vision. I can only see my desire and my loss. You see the view to the left, to the right, and 10/20/100 miles down the road. It's foggy here in my little corner of the world...yet You are my lighthouse. You are my Guide. You are the Lamp before my feet.

God, I forgive You. I forgive Him. I forgive Her. And please forgive me for directing my anger towards You, oh God. You are just protecting me:) Take my hand. Lead me forward. Help me to stop looking behind. And please don't ever let me run away from You! Keep me in Your grip and hold my heart in Your hand. Please...

I love You. And once again, I choose to trust You! Thank You for never giving up on me...even when I have wanted to give up on You. Please never stop loving me...

Love, Your daughter

Going to Honduras

SO excited!!!

This young man will be
experiencing Honduras
at the end of June:)

I am so excited for him.

My friend and her husband
are taking my 13 year old
to Honduras with them
June 28th-July 5th
on a missions outreach.

Would you consider
praying for him as he
prepares for this trip.
God is already doing
amazing things in his heart,
and the journey has just begun.

If you would be interested
in sponsoring him,
you can contact me
at Heavsparks@yahoo.com
or on Facebook

GOSSIP??? In church???

GOSSIP!!!!!!

BACKBITING!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLANDER!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what those words mean.
You know how they hurt.
You know the effects.
You try to stay away from them.
At least in "Christian" circles.

or do you???

In my church experiences, those are
common problems that cause division
in churches today. We know they
cause division amongst families, work,
school, etc., but we have let it also
into our churches...

BUT...

...we don't call it gossip...
...we call it "concern."
...we justify it.
...We tend to just be "praying" for others.
...we tend to encourage it even.

This has been something God has
been showing me over the past year,
so please know I am speaking to myself as well!


We get in our "clique" prayer circles,
and start praying for "Sister V"
because she has such a controlling spirit.
We share about "Brother W"
who is struggling with lust.
Before long, we find out that
brothers "XYZ" all struggle with lust.
"Oh God, help them!"

Then we start praying fervently for
"A & B's" marriage.
That marriage desperately needs God!
You wouldn't believe what
Brother A did to Sister B!!!
Oh, did you know that "C & D" are
having problems too???
Oh, our marriages are falling apart!!!
"Oh Lord, help them!"

Oh...our Pastor needs some prayer too!
He needs to be more "in tune" with his flock!
If he wasn't so busy with "those" people,
he just might be able to see the TRUTH!
"Oh God, help him to see!
Help him to see how he's
NOT meeting ALL of our needs!
Help him to realize he's
doing activity E, F, & G ALLLLL wrong!
And God, did you hear how he
handled that family?
Oh God, give him compassion!
He clearly needs You God!!!
He couldn't possibly hear
You as well as we can hear you,
otherwise he would be doing
"this" instead of "that".
All of this we pray,
in Your precious name Jesus,
with humility of heart. Amen~"

Prayer in this sense
is NOT justifiable.
It IS GOSSIP!!!

The truth needs to be exposed
because this causes division
and tries to destroy unity!

Seriously, do you really think
God wants to bring people
into the church to be "cleaned up",
when some Christians are intentionally
smearing mud all over the church walls???

If you have questions, ASK!
If you hear rumors, GO to the source!
If you have problems with someone,
GO TO THEM!
DO NOT ASSUME everything you hear is true!

DO NOT let gossip continue!
Find out the truth!
Even if it's uncomfortable to ask!
GO TO THE source!

Don't let the enemy steal
the unity God wants in our churches!!!

If your brother sins against you,
go and show him his fault,
just between the two of you.
If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

Matthew 18:15

Be honest...

Sometimes life isn't always fun.
There are situations that arise
that attempt to steal your joy.
There are illnesses that come.
There are circumstances
that are beyond our control.

Life happens...

We go on...

We keep focused on God...

& strive to find the positive...

We proclaim God's goodness...

& promises!!!

But there are times, we just need to cry out to God and be honest with Him. We need to tell Him all of our hurts. God's not o-kay with pretending. God doesn't expect us to...at least NOT with Him. He knows our every thought, our every hurt, our ever-present pain, whatever that may be.

I do proclaim God's goodness!
I do direct others to His faithfulness!
I do proclaim His promises!
Because I know THEY ARE TRUE!!!

BUT...

I also have a private prayer journal
where I hide nothing from Him.
No pain is too big or small to discuss with Him.
No complaint is rejected.

I write...
He listens...
He helps me to work through things...
He reminds me of verses...
I complain...
He shows me the Truth...
I hurt and cry...
but God wraps my heart in His hand!

There is freedom
in being able to tell
My Daddy everything.
Freedom in NOT having
to hide my feelings,
or pretend. He continues
to show me that He loves
me just as I am...
& will never love me any less!!!

God is NOT going to strike you down
for being angry or hurt.
God is NOT going to chastise you
for telling Him how you really feel.
In fact, it's through an honest
relationship with Him that He
can begin to show you the
Daddy He really can be.

So...........

Keep proclaiming.
Keep finding the positive...

But don't forget to be honest
with Him in your one-on-one
time with Him.

Just keep........

Philippians 3:14

I press on toward the goal
to win the prize
for which God has called me
heavenward in Christ Jesus.

===================
When life gets you down
sometimes you have to.....

===============================


JUST....




KEEP....





SWIMMING............

Rise Up!

The Lord is with YOU
Mighty Warrior!
Rise up!
Rise up!
Rise up!
Mount up like eagles!!!

That sounds bad!

Week one of on-line school complete!

Whew!

As I am getting used to the system used
and the way classes are run,
I am finding school sucking up my time.

Not sure what I really expected,
but I'm sure as the weeks go on,
it will get easier...
and I will get more efficient:)

I have been absorbed this week
...in school.
...in home.
...in God.
...in some personal issues.

I have NOT been absorbed this week
...in writing on my blog
...in reading other blogs.
...in twittering.
...in Facebook.
...in friends.
...in texting.
...in sleeping.

I usually catch up on blogs once a week.
I usually keep up on Facebook nightly.
I used to Twitter many times a day.
I used to spend hours texting...
and napping...

This week I have not.

I text a FB status through my phone...
occasionally text a friend...
& have only read other people's
statuses that are sent to my phone.
My blogs this week were scheduled.
I don't have time to nap.

I have no clue what is happening in other people's life. I have no idea what happened on different television series. I have no idea what's in the news this week. I have no idea how my friends truly are.

I should be sad...but I'm not.

(I know...that sounds bad.)

Although I've been consumed with school,
it feels good not to be consumed with
...other people...
...or their problems...
...or the drama...
...or their pain.

(I know...that sounds bad.)

School was my excuse this week...

...to not answer my phone...
...to not analyze people...
...to not have others analyze me...
...to be alone...

...to be only a mom...
...and a student...

...not a friend...
or a counselor...
or a daughter...
or a sister...
or an aunt...
or someone's sounding board...
or an encourager...

(I know, that sounds bad)

School this week
just let me be a mom...
and a student...
and I liked it!

(I know, that sounds bad.)