This journey can be hard as I try to navigate my way through life. Sometimes I walk blindly, not knowing which way to turn. Sometimes I walk knowingly, yet still wander without direction.
I have walked purposely despite my ability to see clearly. Most days, all I know is that I am walking forward. Slowly, if I must, but forward yet the same.
I don't know where I'm going, but I choose not to give up. When the condemning voices scream, "You'd be better off dead," I kneel and cry, "Jesus!". When situations arise, I am shaken, but return to a standing position. When the darkness invades my emotions, I scramble to find light. I have to. I have to survive. That is my only choice.
Despite all that comes my way, or the demons I fight, my only choice is to continue to arise! I have to. For me. For my kids.
I walk forward. Blindly, at times, but forward nonetheless.
Depression and anxiety clutch to my being most days. I feel plagued by the emotions that try to daily drown me. It's a journey I wish upon no one. One I can't explain if I wanted to. Every day is different, yet strangely the same. A situation could bring it on or my world could be perfectly still...yet it lingers.
I've spent years praying it off. I've been medicated. I've been in therapy. I've read hundreds of self-help books. I can't make it go away. I can't pray it away. I can't read it away or take enough pills to make it go away.
So I embrace it. And continue praying. And continue seeking hope and peace in the turmoil of the storm. I continue to seek Jesus as the author and finisher of my faith. I continue to seek His relief and His strength. I continue to praise Him for the good days and praise Him for the bad days.
I hang onto the hope that these bad days won't always remain. I walk forward and breathe when relief comes. Hope. Day by day. Moment by moment. I know I am not alone. For that, I am grateful. My Jesus is constant and ever-present, even when I'm not.
November 30, 2017
October 11, 2017
"I'm going home now."
"I changed my mind. I'm done thanks."
As silly as it sounds, this is what I said DURING labor with both of my boys. Of course, I had already been IN LABOR for quite some time, but I was so exhausted of the excruciating contractions. They came and went and came and went and came and went and felt like they were NEVER-EVER-EVER-EVER going to end!!!
Are you going through "labor pains" in your life right now? Are you ready to throw in the towel and "go home"? Have you changed your mind and decided this "baby" isn't worth it anymore?
Breathe! Find your focal point again! Remember the promise God gave you! Breathe again! Focus! Rest in between "contractions". Breathe again!
Are you fighting for a marriage? A prodigal family member? A promotion? Finances? Healing? Restoration? A ministry? A loved one's salvation? A relationship? A child?
At the end of the labor process with my children, it took all my energy just to focus on my breathing, and to rest in between contractions. If I focused on the pain, I couldn't focus on my breathing. If I couldn't breathe, I couldn't work through each contraction as it came. I had to be reminded to slow my breathing down. At times, I even had to be reminded how to breathe because I would begin to panic. When I panicked, my baby's heartbeat would go down.
Yet, if we stop in the middle of the "birthing" process, we never get to hold the "baby" God has promised us: the restored marriage, the prodigal returning home, the teenager coming back to God, the financial blessing, the job promotion, the healing, the ministry, etc.
I write. I aspire. I dream. I believe. I hope. I breathe. I persevere. I persist. I advance. I try. I succeed. I hug. I share. I love. I think. I find my way. I get back up. I forgive. I accept.
I doubt. I despair. I sigh. I fail. I fall down. I isolate. I give up. I recede. I hide. I withhold. I despise. I sin. I step back. I lose ground. I stumble. I lose my way. I bleed. I hurt. I judge. I condemn.
Some days, I look in the mirror and my reflection seems to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
Other days, my reflection only condemns, judges, and points out every flaw.
Lately, I've had to face some things with my son that are difficult. Past decisions I made out of fear and selfishness. Breaking his heart. Causing him to feel abandoned. Giving up when I should have pressed on. Then declaring it was God's will...
I'm having to face my heart issues, unveiled, naked, vulnerable, and without excuse...unmasked...
...knowing I can't fix it...I can't make it better...I have to trust God to fix it...to soften his heart...to help him forgive...to help him go forward...
He's broken. He's angry. He has a right to be. I told him when he was little, "Mommies never give up on their babies..."
..."But I did."
May 7, 2017
I fail. Often in fact. I let people down. I lose the trust of those I love. I fail.
I love. Often in fact. I love with everything in me. I love too much sometimes. I love.
I try. Often in fact. I try until I give up. Sometimes I don't try hard enough. I try.
I seek. Often in fact. I seek until I stop. I need to seek more. I seek.
I laugh. Often in fact. I laugh until I pee. I really need to laugh more. I laugh.
I withhold forgiveness. Often in fact. Mostly from myself. I need to learn to forgive myself. I withhold forgiveness.
I text. Often in fact. I text all day long. I encourage people through my texts. I text.
I paint. Often in fact. God has given me a gift. I don't always see the gift. I paint.
I write. Often in fact. On computer or on paper. I need to write more. I write.
I analyze. Often in fact. Always asking "why?" or "when". I need to trust God more. I analyze.
I hum. Often in fact. I'm constantly humming something. It annoys some people. I hum.
I give. Often in fact. Mostly unacknowledged. I'm o-kay with that. I give.
I take pictures. Often in fact. I take at least one picture a day. I like it. I take pictures.
I dream. Often in fact. I dream big and bigger and best. I don't know what to do with them. I dream.
I hope. Often in fact. Even in the worst of times. I have to. I hope.
I pray. Often in fact. I talk to my Heavenly Father, my Papa. He sustains me. I pray.
I babble. Often in fact. To anyone who will listen. Kinda' like now. I babble.
at May 07, 2017
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