June 29, 2010


This summer has been atypical for me. My children have been gone A LOT!!! Well, not really a lot, but it sure seems like it.

Recently, God asked me to totally trust Him with my kids. This is an area where I really have a hard time. They have been through so much and I really just want to protect them ALL.THE.TIME.

I said YES to God...but then He asked me to do something that I would have not normally done! He also asked me to trust their dad with my kids! Yikes! If I would have known saying YES involved this, then I am not sure I would have said YES.

But I am very glad I did!!!

This summer has brought pain, yet immense healing; joy, yet some sadness; surrender, yet a lot of pain through it.

The boys spent a week with their dad...in a different state...all alone....without me...my baby who clung to my hip...was now without me...

My oldest son came home after the first week, but my youngest (the one attached to me at the hip), wanted to stay! Another week went by, and he asked to stay again!!! So, he is on his 3rd week at dad's house. Nothing like bonding, huh?

In the beginning, my feelings told me, "No way! That's too far away! They will miss me too much!"

But God kept telling me to trust Him!

He loves my kids more than I do! AND He knows them better than I do!!! At one point in the first week, my oldest called and wanted to come home "RIGHT NOW".

I wanted to rescue him. I could have rescued him. I wanted to drive down there and rescue him from his discomfort and his own pain....BUT God said, "Trust me..."

God knew what He was doing...BUT He needed me to trust Him...I did...God moved...He healed some brokenness....in my children.... in their father....my youngest now bonded with his father....my oldest could laugh and joke with his dad again....because I CHOSE to trust God...

Sometimes a situation will come that requires us to TRUST GOD!

Trusting Him does not mean an absence of fear or pain or discomfort...it simply means doing it despite those feelings... It means letting God be God. Sometimes it means taking YOUR hands off of the situation so that God can place HIS more capable hands on the situation!!!

If God is asking you to TRUST Him...then simply trust Him! I spent so many years saying, "no" to God in this area because I did not want to face the pain and discomfort of letting go of MY control!

Now as each feeling comes, I cry out to God, "Are you sure???"

"Yes sweet daughter...keep trusting..."

"O-kay God, then I give you my fears and pray for Your peace."




If you trust God, you will be amazed at the peace He can give you in return. You will be in awe at the results of whatever He is asking you to trust Him with. When God says, "TRUST ME!", the outcome will always be far better than what you could ever expect or imagine!!!

June 28, 2010

Baby Angel

With my friend, Julie, by my side, the doctor told me she saw no heartbeat. I was 10 weeks along. My baby was only 8 weeks. I was devastated and I began to sob. I wanted this baby so much. It would have been the first time I "did it right"...getting married and THEN having a baby......

I woke from surgery a few hours later to an emptiness I had only heard about, knowing the precious new life was gone from within me. Granted, I was not very far along, but far enough along to begin to dream, hope, and plan.

Before I left the hospital that same day, my friend, Julie, gave me a teddy bear. It was to remind me of my precious baby that I would never get to hold. I went home, held the teddy bear, and cried myself to sleep.

The next few days were a blur. I tried to sleep as much as I could. They said I wouldn't bleed very much because I chose the surgery, rather than to allow time to take it's course. I knew I would not be able to handle the next few days knowing my baby was dead inside of me. I slept...and slept...and slept...

People told me to name my baby. Because it was too early to tell the sex, we decided this was our baby girl...we named her Angel. I dug out an anklet from the bottom of my jewelry box. It was a simple chain with the word "Angel" written across it. I put it around the teddy bear's neck. The boys took turns sleeping with it, as to find a way to cope with the reality that there was no longer a baby in mommy's tummy.

We all found comfort in knowing Baby Angel was in heaven with Jesus...He had a plan, that at the time, we did not understand, yet still chose to trust...

That was 5 years ago...and I still sleep with that teddy bear, not so much out of memory anymore, but out of habit. I'm 35 and I sleep with a teddy bear!

Every so often, I think about her...I wonder what she would have looked like...

God knew how my future would go...even when I didn't understand:) He knew...

...Everything happens for a reason, and even though I sometimes still think about our Baby Angel, I am glad she is with Jesus...in His arms...without the worries of this life.

If you are going through something that really does not make sense right now, please trust God. He knows more about what you need than what you think you need right now! And trust me...His way is ALWAYS better than ours!!!!

June 25, 2010

I don't need your approval....Or do I???

Whose approval are you seeking?

Who are you hoping will notice you?

Whose adoration are you longing for?

Whose words do you want to hear?

Who are you trying to compete against?

No one??????

Let me ask you another set of questions.


Can you celebrate your successes, no matter how small?

Can you appreciate your unique quirks?

Are you hard on yourself?

Do you make a longer mental note of
what you CAN do right...
or what you do WRONG?

Are you saddened or "let down" when that
special person does not say anything to affirm you?


Back to square one...


If any of the second set of questions ring true,
then you really need to look to the first set again.
What underlying approval are you needing
and do you know why?
Was there some emotional wound that occurred
that needs healed?
Are there any lies that you may have
believed about yourself that need the truth applied to them?



What do we do with our need to be needed and loved
and appreciated and...and...and...and....

First of all, We truly have to seek to find out who we are in Christ. We do this by seeking out scriptures that tell us this. Freedom in Christ Website has a list about "Who I am in Christ". Click here for that list. Print it out and speak it over yourself. Hang up the list on the mirror you look in the most. Seek out the scriptures and look them up. Meditate (think upon) them. Say them over and over and OVER until they become YOUR truth!!!! Add scriptures of your own to this list.

SPEAK THEM OUTLOUD!!! The written Word of God is so much more powerful when it is spoken. Not only will you make your enemy scatter, you will also strengthen YOUR faith. (Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of the Lord. Romans 10:17)

Do not go by your feelings!
Your feelings are going to tell you statements like this:

"This is NOT helping!"
"How can you say such stupid things?"
"This is pointless!"
"Why am I doing this for?"
"I do not feel any different, is this really worth it?"
"Whatever?!?! It's not like these things are true about me!"

Feelings deceive us and this is the route which satan uses most often. If he can offend our feelings, he can offend our hearts. If he can offend our hearts, he can get to our mind. If he can get to our mind, he can get us to act on our actions. He is not out to tell you how wonderful you are, but the opposite! John 10:10a says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..."


"... that [we] may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10b)


And that also applies to our emotions...
our self-esteem (God-esteem!!!)...
our mental state of mind...


The Word of God, the Bible is TRUTH...

If you want TRUTH...then you have to read the source...

If you want FREEDOM from your negativity...

then you have to APPLY the TRUTH....


to the small sweet knowing in your heart...
the one that tells you YOU are somebody!
The "voice" that tells you opposite of what you feel.
The whisper that says, "I love you just as you are!"
"Can't you see how beautiful you are?"
"You are precious, my sweet Child!"

THAT is the voice of TRUTH!!!

Jesus, I long to hear your thoughts concerning me rather than the ones that condemn me and leave me unable to measure up. Your Word says that You know my inmost being and YOU love me anyway! I cannot even begin to comprehend that kind of love or acceptance because I am limited by my human nature.

It is so exhausting to try to compete with people. There is always going to be someone prettier, smarter, thinner, and better than me. I am playing in a "lose-lose" competition that leaves me weary and exhausted. How it must grieve Your heart when I complain about not being "good enough" because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was made in the image of God...yet somehow, I still find myself not "good enough".

I am sorry for trying to be someone other than whom you have made me to me. I'm sorry for longing to be like anyone else besides me... I am sorry for the "slap in the face" of the wonderful creation my Creator has made. Help me to see myself through Your eyes, and please show me where I have been wounded so that I could give You permission to heal that part of me.

I'm tired of believing the lies, and for this moment in time, I choose to believe in Your Voice of TRUTH!!! I bring my inadequacies and imperfections and lay them at the foot of the cross... "If you can still use me...please do!"

Help me to just be the best "me" that You created~ idiosyncrasies and all!!!!

In Jesus' perfect name, Amen

June 24, 2010

Be Consistent

I need some level ground.
& I know God is the only One who can give that.
I have a pattern of high's...
and then low's...
I'm "up" and feeling good...
then I'm "down" and feeling icky...

I usually can appear to have it "together",
and usually can pass off
"having it all together"...

But I do not feel very together!
I feel worthless...
and like I am a disappointment.
All I want to do is sleep and
keep to myself.

These are the days when I have to
bathe in God's Word, the Holy Bible.
Because on these days...
I am led by my feelings...
and my feelings lead me astray...
because that's how feelings are.

These are the days I have to
cling to what God says about me,
because on these days...
I do not feel it...
I fall very short...
I look in the mirror...
and I see failure.

I was conditioned as I grew up that Christians should always "have it together", should never show anger, & never complain. Well, that may work for other people, but not well for me anymore! I used to feel guilty that I could not hold it all together. So I just smiled in public, and cried behind close doors.

But THEN I used to use the liberty I had to tell everyone all my woes and let-downs because...well...I was not going to be a fake Christian. Oh boy oh boy, talk about a discouraging person to be around!

So over the past few years, I have really tried to find the balance between the two. What a hard journey that has been. For the most part, I am landing on the side of "I can't hold it together, so I will just isolate myself instead!" Deep in my heart, I know this place does not bring freedom, but just more isolation. After I go through something, I realize, "Wow, if I could have just admitted _______was what I was feeling, I could have gotten through this faster and easier."

Sometimes I do not always know what is bothering me. Sometimes it is a chemical high and low mood thing, but more often than not, it is a spiritual journey, as well as a thought journey. I have to ask myself: "What have I been thinking about???"


I usually find a "key" when I ask that question.

As I wrote that question, I immediately got an answer in my head!

First thought: "I cannot compete with_______"
Second thought: "I must be 'less than'".
Third thought: "I will never measure up."
Fourth thought: "No one will ever want me."

If I would just take those thoughts as they come,
and combat them right away with the Word of God,
I probably would not end up down-spiraling.

Here's the thing though...
I do speak scripture to those thoughts...
& they go away...
BUT then they come back...
I speak scripture again...
they come back AGAIN...
"Oh Well...I guess maybe they are true!"
"Yep, you're stupid...& fat...&....."


Where in the Bible does it say that
I'm stupid and fat and that I will never measure up???????

I believe it says,
"You have the mind of Christ!!!"
"I chose you!!!"
"I cherish you!!!"
"You're an heir to my throne, my Princess!"
"You were bought at a price...I love you!"
"I carved you on the palm of my hand!"
"You are a new creation."
"I rejoice over you with singing!"
"I will never leave you!"
"You are more than a conqueror!"


If you are a parent, you may hear that word a LOT!
You have to be consistent in disciplining your children
or consistent in sticking to rules and so forth.

At a job, you have to be consistent,
showing up for work daily...AND on time.
Doing your work, etc.

We have to be consistent in our thought life!
We have to be consistent in taking our thoughts captive!
We have to be consistent in SPEAKING LIFE
to our lives and into the lives of others!

Consistency of biblical truth...
makes the lies become smaller & smaller!!!

You're STUPID!!!
No, I have the mind of CHRIST, thank you!

No, I was bought at a PRICE & I'm redeemed!

You will NEVER be "good enough"!!!
I am enough in Christ Jesus!

No one loves you & you will always be alone!!!
God loves me & He will NEVER leave me!!!

You're pathetic!
"Whatever! I'm a daughter of
the most high KING!!!"

Be consistent...
You know the lies!
You hear them over and over in your head!
Find scripture that says the
opposite of what the enemy tells you!
That is how he is defeated!!!
That is your sword in the battle
for your mind!!!
Use it!!!

June 14, 2010

Word curses!!!

Speak life!!!

The other night, as I prayed for someone I had to forgive, God reminded me of all the word curses I had spoke over this person. I wept and was broken as God showed me what happened in the spiritual realm every time I spoke negatively about this person.

As a Christian, I am instructed time and time again in the Bible to be careful of my words, whether they are spoken about myself or about another person. But what happens is that when I am hurt, I am very loose with my words. Although I have grown much in this area, I realized I have much more to grow.

In my hurt, I think I have a right to vent and say the things I do. I justify it as just "needing to get it out!" Have you ever been there???

There was a period in my life where I just had to "get it out" with everyone I knew. People needed to know certain things about certain people, and I clearly made it known to whomever I could. I "needed" to protect people. I "needed" to be known as the "good" person in the situation. I "needed" to justify myself...

The Bible says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29 NIV)

Now, if you are like me, then you probably think, "I am pretty careful with my words." I know I thought I was before God showed me what He did. I mean I am always encouraging someone.
Let me ask you something...

Have you ever talked about "that" person as if they were hopeless?

Are they just soooo "worthless"?

Will "they" EVER "get it"?

Do you think they are "unable to change"?

Do you pray God's vengeance on them?

Are you unable to say any positive about them?

Do you roll your eyes when you hear their name?

Do they "always" mess up?

Do you give your friend "that look" when they show up?


O-kay, if God has got something to say to you through this, I think this list is sufficient.

You have a judgment over this person,
and because of that, you have cursed that person!

Don't think so?????

Did a person or a situation come to your mind
as you read the list above?

If yes, then you have given that person a judgment, and I am sorry, but you are holding that person in spiritual bondage!

If you don't like what you are reading so far, you are not going to like the rest of this. God has been opening my eyes to many spiritual truths lately as I have been seeking healing in some areas of my life. I have been on a path of forgiveness for awhile now, and at times, the pain is so intense, I feel like I cannot breathe...(BUT God...please do not stop because it is bringing TRUTH and freedom to my life!)

God created EVERYTHING with the words of His mouth!!!

He spoke...things came to life!

When Jesus spoke His last words on the cross,
it brought death!

The tongue has the power of life and death...Proverbs 18:21

When a person was blessed or cursed in the Bible, it was usually done through the words of someone's mouth, whether it be from God or another person. Today, we bless and curse others with the words of our mouth, but tend to justify it as anything BUT what it is.

I can think of one person who I have REPEATEDLY pegged as a failure! That person would NEVER get it! That person really would never change! That person was so stuck in life that no matter what happened, He would always be messing someone's life up! "Told ya so!", I have said time and time again regarding this person.

MAJOR CONVICTION came as I forgave him!!!

MAJOR REPENTANCE came as God showed me
what my words have done!!!

MAJOR SORROW flooded me as God showed me
the shackles around this man because of MY words!!!

MAJOR PEACE came to me as I prayed
blessing after blessing on him and his family!

Now imagine what everyone else's words on top of MINE have done to this man! Picture this: A chain is put on this man EVERY time I speak ill of him. How chained do you think He is? At one point, He becomes a captive...(not his fault). Now he starts acting (his fault) like a prisoner because he feels the spiritual chains and believes he deserves to be imprisoned (Satan's lie!). His actions bring shackles to him because they are ungodly (his fault). I then put more chains on him with my words..(My fault)...He then starts adding bars around his cell because of actions (his fault). It continues on and on as his actions reaffirm to me (and him!!!) that he indeed will always fail! See how the enemy is winning?!?!?!?

What would happen if I asked God to break the chains around him that I placed there with my words? Granted, I cannot take back my words, BUT I can pray that God would break the curses that went along with the words, therefore breaking the chains that I put around him. How do you think this will make him feel? Do you think he will feel lighter? Less captivated? Do you think he will start to feel more hopeful? If you have any clue about the spiritual realm around you, then you will KNOW this will make a difference.

When people begin to feel hope, they begin to trust God more. When they can trust God more, they begin to allow Him to work in their lives. When they begin to allow God to work in their lives, they begin to change. When they begin to change, the spiritual atmosphere around them begins to change. When the spiritual atmosphere around them begins to change, people begin to wonder what's up? When people begin to wonder what's up, lives become transformed because of the testimony of their life! When people become transformed, revival begins to start. When revival starts.....

Get the picture???

What I have shared here is a revelation the Holy Spirit is showing me. I know it is going to ruffle a few feathers. I know it may seem far fetched. I know it may not be popular, but because I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that this is what God is showing me, I am willing to take the risk of being unpopular.

So maybe you do not necessarily agree with this... I challenge you to begin looking at the mention of blessings and curses in the Bible. How are they given? Why are they given? What happens to the people who are either blessed or cursed? Can they be lifted or changed? Can a person who was once cursed be blessed? Can a person who was once blessed be cursed? Do a Bible search on the word "blessing/bless" and then one for "curse" and then another for "words" or "speak". What happened to someone in the Bible who was blessed, instead of cursed? What happened to someone's lineage or life after God lifted a curse that was on them?

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the message You have given me to share here. You have given me a huge revelation lately, and I am honored, yet somewhat apprehensive about sharing it, so I pray that YOU would take out anything that isn't YOUR TRUTH...any words or meanings that are not YOURS. I pray that YOU would stir up people's heart to receive everything that YOU want them to out of this message. I pray YOU would bring the right people to this blog who need to hear this message. I pray that YOU would shine Your light down on this message and magnify it for YOUR glory.

I know the words I have spoken against people are not pleasing to You, but now I know why those words were not pleasing. Not only have I hurt Your heart, but I have also thrown arrows aimlessly into people's lives. I repent of that and I pray that You would help me to bless instead of curse. I pray that You would help me to love instead of hate. I pray that You would help me to release instead of hold on. I pray that You would help me to edify, instead of tear down. I pray that You would help me to speak LIFE into people's lives, especially in the lives of people who I have thought and spoke of so horribly!

Remind me that as I bless people who I would rather speak ill of, Your kingdom actually gets blessed! Your kingdom then grows! The enemy then loses power and hold on people's lives! And YOU get the glory!!! This life is not about me or my rights or about how well I may or may not look...But about YOU!!! This life is about YOU and Your Kingdom and Your power and glory!

Please show me when I have formed a judgment about someone. Please stop me mid-sentence, if necessary, if I am about to speak negative about someone. Remind me of situations and words I have spoken that have cursed someone, so that I can bring it to Your throne, so that it can be broken in Jesus' name! And please BLESS, BLESS, BLESS those who I have wronged with my words.

Thank You for Your forgiveness and grace...
Help me to bestow that same thing to others...
In Jesus' name, Amen

The Lord is compassionate & gracious, slow to anger,
abounding in love. He will not always accuse,
nor will He harbor His anger forever;
He does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
Psalm 103:8-10

Ephesians 4:29 in The Amplified Version of the Bible is worded this way:

Let no foul or polluting language,
nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk
[ever] come out of your mouth,
but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial
to the spiritual progress of others,
as is fitting to the need and the occasion,
that it may be a blessing and give grace (God's favor)
to those who hear it.

June 12, 2010

Sweet surrender...

God painted me a sunset...

with many vibrant colors.

Blues, purples, pinks, & orange.

To remind me of HIS faithfulness!!!


God taught me to trust a little deeper

as I sobbed before Him...

laying out MY desires, MY wants, MY way...

So I could finally have HIS!!!


God taught me to pray a little harder

as I prayed for them to succeed...

knowing that I would never be part of it!

He taught me unselfish love!


God taught me to let go of those I hold tight

so He could hold them tighter!!!

I sobbed and began to trust...

as I watched the boys I love the most walk away.


The picture above was the sunset last night as I took my boys to spend a week with their daddy and his new family. As I slowly watched the sun go down and the colors turn, I KNEW God was showing me that everything was going to be fine...

I just did not know how great it would be.

On the way home, as I stared at the interstate before me, the road lighted only by the sight of my headlights...I felt peace...I felt love...I felt joy...I felt pain...I felt regret... I felt anger...I felt gratitude...I felt tears...hot burning tears...I felt peace again...

I sorted through emotions with my Daddy like I have never done before...with a new level of trust...a new level of understanding...with new eyes...with new ears...and a new heart...a new level of surrender!

Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness...

There is such FREEDOM in that!!!

I gave up my "rights"...


For God's PERFECT will for MY life!
For God's PERFECT will for my ex-husband's life!
For God's PERFECT will for his new wife's life!
For God's PERFECT will for our boys' lives...
and her boys' lives!

I'm ready for God to take over my future...
& ready to walk wherever He wants to take me...

I'm yours God!

Sweet surrender...

June 10, 2010


Sometimes I wonder
what God is up to....

I do not know what He's doing,
but I love it!

There have been times in my life
when I seriously was so angry
at God for the way things
turned out...

But as I forgive & trust in HIM,
He shows me ...
a little at a time...
what He's doing!

I was talking to someone earlier about forgiveness.
This has been such a hard journey for me!
As I wrote my responses to her,
I could feel the old feelings rising up in me
because God wanted me to remember
what that felt like...

I told her how I used to HATE.
I hated with a passion!
I was soooo hurt.........
But was it really hate?
or was it deep sadness and hurt?

People break our hearts sometimes!
God breaks our heart sometimes!




When we can forgive...
we can be free!
Unforgiveness sets US up for failure
and bitterness and we are the
ones who remain chained!!!!

I told her how I began praying for
the people who hurt me, and God
eventually gave me compassion for them.
It didn't happen overnight by no means!

I sit here and smile
because God gave me an opportunity
this afternoon to practice the same
advice I gave this woman...

"Forgive, Heaven.
Will you trust me?
Will you let me use you?
Will you forgive this person? Again?"

We have NO clue what God wants to
do in and through us, but if we don't give
him our hurts, our pain, and let Him transform
it into something beautiful, then we may never
find out just how much He wants to use us!

Some days I have to forgive God
over and over again...
simply because I do not understand
His plan.

Did God do anything wrong?

Do I hold things against God
because I do not understand?
Yep, sometimes.

IF you want freedom...
forgiveness is not an option!

Daddy God- I thank You for YOUR forgiveness that You freely offer me every day! I thank You that You died on the cross for me even knowing all of the times I would mess up. I thank You for Your love, mercy, and perfect grace.

I thank You that I choose daily to forgive. I thank You for the gift of freedom that You offer because I choose Your way. God, I know people who are struggling to forgive, and I know what it is like to be in that place! I know how much I hung on to the "right" of not offering forgiveness, because they did not deserve my forgiveness.

Jesus- I didn't (and still do not) deserve Your forgiveness, yet You still forgive me. Help me to forgive where I still need to forgive. Help me to love as You love. Help me to see people through Your eyes. Help me to give up my "right" for Your rights- my way for Your way.

Show my friends that the small steps they are taking are actually huge steps. I pray that You would honor their desire to follow You, one step at a time. Show them how much You are pleased with them!

Please keep us in Your perfect will for our lives...especially when we do not understand! I love You Abba Father!

In Jesus' name, Amen~

June 3, 2010

Where's your focus?

Are you spending more time
looking in the rear view mirror
at what you have lost...

...or are you looking at the view
ahead of you and what is
yet to come????

God wants you to let the past go...
He has an amazing view ahead!!!

Who am I Lord?

1 Chronicles 17:16 Then  King David went in and sat before the Lord, and he said: "Who am I, Lord God, and what is my family, that you...