Restorer...

***I was going through old posts and decided to re-post this. Most of you have read it before, but I know I have a new reader who needs the encouragement from our GOD who truly does RESTORE and HEAL!!!


(Original Post from 4/9/09)

GOD RESTORES!!!

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14, and had my first suicide attempt at age 16. I started counseling when I was 8 because of sexual abuse by my dad's best friend. My dad committed suicide 2 days before I started 10th grade. I was 15. I had my first "real" boyfriend when I turned 16, within 2 weeks, I gave myself away to him. When I started crying, he said, "Don't worry, it'll be over real soon." Later that year after he was done with me, I realized guys only liked girls who "fooled around".

I experienced the tantalizing magnetism of liquor when I was 17. I then learned that guys don't like to just "fool around", and get angry when they don't get the whole package. Forced and unconsented became words very familiar to me. Alcohol made me feel attractive, and numbed out the experiences. When I turned 18, I realized I could go into a bar with a consenting parent. There, I learned a whole new game of seduction.

I found out I could get drunk for free just by flirting with guys who were old enough to be my father. I realized that it was alright to do more than flirt because it was expected there, and hey, everyone did it. I soon come to learn that those older guys got even angrier when they didn't get what they wanted. I was wanted and loved...until the next morning. I was desired and cherished...until the alcohol wore off. I was sought after and pursued...until I had nothing left to give. My best friend and I kept tabs and started a contest...

She won...but I still hit triple digits...

I kept a list of names for the day I would have to go back and tell them I was sick.

I also learned that smoking cigarettes and other things made me more attractive in the environment which I spent those two years. I learned that bars stay open all night on holidays when you are super friendly with the bartenders. Oh, the exciting things I learned...

I learned how to become numb to my feelings, as I learned what a razor blade could do. Popping pills made my night time excursions more lively, and helped me to stay awake. I also found out that once I vomited, I could drink more. I unsuspectingly learned that certain pills put in my drinks could make me do anything...and I couldn't stop it...

I learned what loneliness was...

I learned how to brush off rejection by drinking and sleeping, morning, afternoon, and night.

I learned that I could have everything I wanted (my booze, my drugs, and even rent money) just by having a few dates with a few men. I also learned that by having too much traffic in and out of your house, you could be evicted.

I learned what the inside of a "padded cell" in a psych unit looked like, and every year, like clockwork, I would return.

~Looking back on these recollections helps me to see that I do have a God that RESTORES! I am not the same girl as I used to be. I have a Savior who picked me up out of the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock. No one can ever convince me that God isn't real, because I am living proof.

I was locked inside a prison I built for myself and Jesus Christ is the only One who had the key. He is the only one who could have possibly untangled me from everything I was into. Some things disappeared quickly, others over time, but I look back, and the girl I described to you is no longer recognizable. The life I once lived is inconceivable to me, as well as to some of my friends.

I believe God healed me of my depression, I still have days where I have to fight for motivation, and have days when I want to sleep all day long. But instead of weeks of despair, I have a day. Instead of being hospitalized at least twice a year, I have not been back for 6 years.

God is the only permanent Restorer! And He is the ONLY one who will still be there in the most desolate time of your life when everyone else has abandoned you. He is the ONLY permanent "fix", and the ONLY one who can pull you out of the mud you have gotten yourself stuck in!!!

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.