Fight the good fight...

I spent the last week of 2011 determined to bring in the new year by letting the past be the past...once and for all. I have spent so much of my life re-living scenario after scenario of my past. Whether it be things from my childhood, or my teen years, or my mistakes, or from my marriage/divorce, I just continued to live in it.

Everything God had shown me up until December 31, 2011, was leading me in the direction that my past had to go!  I was like a war veteran, telling the stories of the past over and over, only to keep myself stuck in that time frame of hurt, rejection, and pain.  

Anyway, I woke up January 1, 2012, determined to go forward into all that God was calling me to. By mid-morning, I was ticked, irritated, and saying some very bad words!!!  Although my past was not repeating itself, it felt like it was through a very similar situation. I was ready to run someone over TICKED BEYOND TICKED!!!

The memories of my past reared its ugly head and started taunting me.

"Ha! Ha! Here I am! You thought you could get rid of me! Remember this incident? And this one? Remember the pain of this one? The rage? The bitterness? The anger? The injustice? Oh, what about this? Just in case you forgot, let me remind you about..."

I was ready to blow!!!!! I had a "right" to be was angry! That person had NO right! Selfish! Jerk! Bad, bad, bad words! Insensitive! Grrr.... I continued on and on until I eventually lost all of my peace, all of my joy, and probably a little sanity as well.  I let the offenses come and stack up so high that I couldn't even begin to think of sleep because my mind was so bombarded with junk!

I finally found sleep because I eventually woke up....(angry!)

I vented to a friend. I vented to her again. And I vented to her again. I text a different friend and said, "Um, how am I supposed to think positive about this???" 

I did that for two or three days.

My heart hurt for the people involved. That caused more anger because it could have been avoided! The anger caused more hurt, more resentment, more bitterness, more anger, more hurt, more resentment.......

I finally cried out to God, "I'm tired of being angry and bitter. Please help me not hunt this person down! Make good come out of this. I pray for everyone involved, even the person making the poor choices. Jesus, we need you to make this right! I need to move forward. Help me to be a light, not a jerk. Protect my kids! Protect the hearts of everyone else involved. And please move in this situation! In Jesus' name, Amen."

I was able to sleep last night.

I woke up with peace this morning.

I'm choosing to go forward.

When the next ghost from the past appears, I will choose, once again, to go forward...

Because I am CHOOSING to...

"forget what is behind and strain towards what is ahead... (I will) press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13b-14

21 years ago...

...my father took his last breath...

in a hospital bed...

After hanging on...

silently...

day after day...

for 7 days...

in a coma...
-----------------------------------------------------

DAY 1- DAY 3

The doctors said:--->

He's brain dead.
Wait!

He's not brain dead.
Never mind.
I guess he's brain dead after all.
He's not breathing on his own.
He will never wake up.
He could be in a coma for years.
He will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
"I recommend you pull the plug."

"Heaven, (15yo girl), what do YOU want?"
(I want my dad to jump up & hug me & talk to me!!!)

"...um...I don't know."

Life support disconnected.

-------------------------------------------

"It should only be a few hours now."
-------------------------------------------

Waiting.
Pacing.
Crying.
Waiting...

------------------------------------------
4 DAYS LATER...

"Maybe we should put a feeding tube in!"
"He's breathing on his own."
"There is still brain activity."
"He's hanging on."
"He's a fighter."
"I can't believe he's still here!"
"The probabilities are high!"
"He should have died."
"He can come out of this."
"Let's give it another shot!"

RECOMMENDATION...
Short Surgery time to put a feeding tube in.
(My aunt & I joyfully go eat lunch)

---------------------------------------------
INTERCOM:
(20 minutes later)

"Would the family of Jerry Moorhouse please
return to the patient's room?"
---------------------------------------------

"Wow! That was really quick!"

--------------------------------------------

"I'm sorry"
"He's gone."

"It's almost as if he waited until
no one was around...
and then gave up."

----------------------------------------------

21 YEARS AGO, My dad shot himself.
21 YEARS LATER, his 5 adult children still mourn.

-----------------------------------------------
We remember this day each year...

and still wonder...

what life would've been like if...

• He could have seen us each graduate.
• He could have "given away" his 3 daughters on their wedding days.
• He could have met his youngest son's wife.
• He could have met his oldest son's fiance.
• He could have met his grandchildren.

--------------------------------------------------

Suicide is never the answer.
Ever...

21 years is a LONG time...

To
leave
your
children
behind
to
long
for
just
one
more
word,
one
more
hug,
ONE
MORE...

"I love you."

Let go & press on...

Have you ever held onto something
so tightly that it intertwined with
your identity causing you to lose
who you are???

God gives us promises
because that's who HE is.

He plants His desires
into our hearts.

But when things don't happen
(as we think they should),
then we think God let us down
or really didn't mean what He said.

Numbers 23:19
God is NOT a man that He should lie!

That's NOT the character of God...
to lie, that is...
or "play" with our emotions...
or "tease" us.

He means what He says...
ALL the time,
BUT...we assume that
because He says it...
that we should get it RIGHT now!
Because that's the fickle humans that we are.

I've gotten caught up in that
which has led to despair...
which has led to depression...
which has led to hopelessness...
Silly impatient girl!

So...

...last night, I had a really long, tear-filled talk with God, and told Him how weary I am. Hanging onto the dream is simply too much. It consumes me, and I let the absence of results dictate who I am. Obviously, because it hasn't happened yet, it must mean I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not this. Not that.

You know what? I'm a child of the Most High King! I am God's little princess! I am His Beloved! I am God's blessing person! He entrusted me to live the life I am living! He's planted giftings and callings into my life because He wants to use ME! God CHOSE me!

AND GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU!!!
HIS PRECIOUS DAUGHTER OR SON!
HE SEES ALL YOUR FLAWS...
HE SEES YOUR HEART...
HE SEES YOUR DOUBT...
YOUR UNBELIEF...
YOUR DESIRES...

AND HE STILL CHOSE YOU!!!

HE STILL LOVES YOU!!!

HE STILL DESIRES YOU!!!

The absence of an unfulfilled dream doesn't mean you're not good enough. It simply means it's not time. That's where trust and faith come in! Trust that the God of the Universe, The Creator, has YOUR life's blueprints in the palm of His hand, and because He knows EVERY detail, He also knows the very timing of it. So quit hanging on so tightly. Quit believing the lies that the enemy is trying to throw at you regarding WHO you are or ARE NOT!

WHO YOU ARE...
(Your identity)
ONLY lies in Jesus Christ!!!

~Daddy, I don't understand, but I don't have to. I don't know the why's, and I agree today, that it's ok. I put my trust in You once again, because I know You love me, have a plan for me, and it definitely isn't to "play" with my emotions or cause harm to me. You spoke and said it would be. I know I heard Your voice. I've held onto this too tightly, and I have to give it back to You (again!). If it never comes to pass, then I trust You. Change me, mold me, and make me into who You want me to be...otherwise, I'm simply me. I can't create the person I am meant to be, only You can. I don't want to be a carbon copy of who I (or others) think I should be, but an authentic version of who You've made me. I thank You that You have done just that... Thank You that my life is hidden in Christ Jesus and that I have eternal life. I let go of my desires & dreams to hold onto Your hope and Your peace. Lead the way, Lord...for where You lead, I will follow... Thank You for truth, for Your love. I love You Daddy! You are my strength...

In Jesus' name, Amen~

I QUIT!!!

I QUIT!

I'M FINISHED!

I'M DONE!

DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY!

CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS!

I'M D-O-N-E, DONE!!!

Ever feel like that?

Ever want to throw in the towel?

Ever get tired of trying to do
good only to mess up more?

Ever feel like you can "do and do and do"...
yet get NOwhere, NOwhere, NOwhere?

I am SOOOOOOOOO there!
Right now, as I type!
I'm throwing in the towel!
Done! Done! Done!

No matter how hard I TRY...
I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!

I'm tired of the lies!
I'm tired of the games!
I'm tired of the competitions!
I'm tired of not "being good enough!"
I'm tired of "trying" to be the person
I THINK I should be!!!
I'm tired of trying to please everyone!
I'm tired of "doing" what I FEEL
needs to be done & failing miserably!

Now, before you jump either off my blog, or to the comment box to shout encouragement to me, let me share something with you.

Last night, I cried and wailed to God about a situation in my life. I got angry. I got quiet. I cried. I yelled. I got sad. I cried some more. I went to bed snuggled in the arms of Jesus.

When I woke up this morning, I thought of my situation from last night. Sadness instantly filled my soul, as well as anger at God. I told him again my thoughts on the situation, and finally, in sheer frustration, I told Him...

"I'm done! I can't do this anymore! It's too hard, too painful, and I keep messing up things worse! No matter how hard I try, I can't keep my mouth closed, and my heart hurts way too much to go on!"

Then...the most amazing thing happened!
I could almost sense the tension leaving my body as (I believe) He reached out to hold my heart. If I could hear God audibly (which I don't), but if I could, I would have heard Him gently whispering this to me in that moment...

"Finally...I can work now..."

There are times that we hang onto things too tightly, and we "work" ourselves into the situation or promise God has given us...instead of letting GOD work the situation into our lives. When we do that, it is tiring! We usually mess things up worse! We try and try and try to make the puzzle pieces fit because we KNOW that's how it's supposed to be, BUT until GOD gives you the RIGHT puzzle piece.....

...You will fail...
...You will tire...
...You will grow weary...
...You will ultimately "give up" the dream...
...INSTEAD of giving up your efforts
to make the dream happen!

When you allow GOD to work the dream into YOUR life...it just comes...at the right time! God shows up at your doorstep with a beautifully wrapped present in His arms, and says..."Child, this is for you!" AND you KNOW it was SO WORTH the wait!

The people I am writing for today need to know this:

God wants YOU to learn to REST in His promises AND REST in His arms! If God has said it, He will fulfill it, BUT this is the TIME for Him to work in YOUR life so you are ready to open that gift when He shows up with it! So get your eyes off the circumstances, your hands off the situation, and get your focus back on Jesus...He has many gifts of love & revelation for you that need to be opened before He hands you the one you think you NEED NOW!

Quit striving to do this your way...

Let God do it HIS way...

Remembering...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about (remember) such things." Philippians 4:8

Remember- keep in mind, bear in mind, call to mind, cite, conjure up, dig into the past, dwell upon, fix in the mind, have memories, hold dear, keep forever, know by heart, memorialize, recall, recollect, refresh memory, remind, think back...

Awwww....how many times does your mind wander each day? What consumes your thoughts? Are there memories that you hold dear? Do you dig into the past to edify your "todays" or to haunt your "tomorrows"? What "fixed" memories do you meditate on? Are they keeping you grounded and focused on Christ or do they send you into a state of condemnation, leaving you bound for failure?

I used to have a problem with remembering. (And I don't mean the kind that comes with age- like forgetting)

I remembered and thoughts on the wrong things: past failures, mistakes, grievances, broken hearts, hurts, sins (my own and those of others), grudges, and so forth.

My mind used to wander quite often throughout the day. At the end of the day, my mind was exhausted, yet I did nothing strenuous. Have you ever had that problem???

I figured out that I allowed my mind to gravitate towards those negative things that sucked my energy. Note the word "allowed". We are to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5, yet how often do we "allow" our thoughts to take us captive.

Heavenly Father~

Today, I choose to remember what You've done in my life. I thank You that You are Truth! I thank You that You are noble, right, pure, lovely, & admirable! I thank You that You are the perfect example of all of those qualities. I thank You for giving me the "mind of Christ", and the power over my thoughts. Help me to think "excellence" in all I do, say, or think. Help me to develop an attitude of praise. May I meditate on Your word and become "fixed in purpose", not wavering to the left or to the right. I pray I would begin to start speaking to the champion in myself and in those around me, that we may rise up and become ALL that You would have us be. Most of all, may I remember where I've come from and the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for me on the cross that has gotten me to where I am today.

In Jesus' name, Amen~

Remembering on PURPOSE!

(This post was 1st published in Jan. 2009)

Sad...

Tonight I am sad...

There are so many things going on right now with people I care about and even complete strangers that I have compassion for over stuff in their lives...

...and I'm sad...

I know the joy of the Lord is my strength...

...but for tonight, I am sad...

I know God works out all things for good...

...but for tonight, I am sad...

I know the end result will be just fine...

...but I am sad...

I am sad that we have a real enemy who wreaks havoc without regard to anyone else...

...I am sad...

My heart is heavy. Seriously, I could cry.

Situation A,B,&C are my own life situations. Situation D is a friend's situation. Situation E is a family member's situation. Situation F,G,H,I,J is a bloggy friend's situation. Situation K is a new friend's situation. Situation L belongs to a woman I don't agree with, yet I still hurt for. Situation M,N,O is......&Z...

"Now I sing my A,B,C's, next time won't you sing with me."

...I don't feel like singing because I have chosen to carry situations A-Z on my shoulders. It's pretty heavy. One of the problems with having the gift of compassion is that I "feel" everyone's pain, even when I may not agree with their perspective. I defend those who no one else will defend...(well, not always, but usually.) The "underdog", so to speak. I get passionate about it to the point of "over-doing" it, getting too emotionally involved, and end up not representing Christ too well in my frustration. Ah...more of an eye-opener that I truly do need a Savior!

I am not allowing comments tonight. See, I know the verses that say, "be encouraged, etc." I know that, in the end, all will be fine. I know God will work out all things, but tonight, I am just sad.

I am going to sleep...but first, I will be spending time at the foot of the cross, casting situations A-Z at Jesus' feet, because...you know what? They are not mine to carry and if I carry them into my day tomorrow, I will have no room to love anyone else tomorrow. Today, God's grace is sufficient for today. Tomorrow, God's grace will be sufficient for tomorrow.

Dear friend, if your heart is heavy with burdens, may you find the same comfort that I find in the following verses:

1 Peter 4:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Freedom by Fire (Pt. 3)

...The baggage I was carrying suddenly became very clear and visible to me. I am so grateful that the arms of my Heavenly Father were there to catch me, as I began sinking in my shame of the judgment I cast onto my husband. The stones were already thrown, the damage already done, yet I begged for forgiveness, mercy, and God’s amazing grace. My prayers for my husband changed that day.

I began to pray that He would overcome the demons of his own past, present, and future. I also prayed for God’s grace upon Him. I prayed against the chains my judgment wrapped him in. I prayed and prayed and prayed, and in the meantime, God changed my heart toward him. I no longer despised or resented this man. My prayers began to speak restoration to his life and not condemnation to hell. Although I knew our marriage was over, I was able to forgive, and pray blessing with sincerity into his life.

So that warm August day, I piled stacks of papers and notebooks into the burning barrel. Lighting the match, I thought about the irony of the fire that would soon be blazing before my eyes. It was taking one spark to ignite a fire that would also extinguish the enemy’s weapon which was formed against me to steal my joy, and pass judgment on my husband. My daddy is all-powerful, all-knowing, and ever-present, and He tells me that NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER!!! Amen.

My past, and many of my grievances, became engulfed in the blistering, scorching flames that day. No more written memories and no more written accounts of my past. All I had before me was a clean slate, and expectations of a future full of the adventures of God. There was suddenly so much untouched potential, and I could finally move forward, one step at a time.

Freedom by Fire (Pt. 2)

“Okay, God, not a problem. I give you my past.” That was easy enough. God then began to clarify what He meant by the thought He put inside of me. In my mind, I figured God was speaking to me figuratively. I closed my eyes and imagined myself tying my past to a helium balloon and releasing it into the air. “Bye-bye past, bye-bye.”

I felt God chuckle. What God was asking me to do was a quite literal act of obedience. When I closed my eyes again, I saw a room filled with stacks of garbage bags filled with “junk” of my relationship with my husband. “Alright, what is this Lord? I have been through healing of my past issues, so what are these bags still doing here?”

What God showed me was that my years of journals held my “junk” captive. I asked God again for more clarification, not understanding fully. He began to clarify for me. My written words bore pain, regret, bitterness, and victimization. Whoa! This was getting deep. I thought journaling was a good and safe way to express my emotions. “Lord, show me what You mean by that?” I questioned.

In a still, quiet voice within me, God whispered. “Every time you re-read your journals, you are bringing your past back to life. You choose to bring up old grievances, offenses, and hurtful memories that shackle the chains around your heart all over again.” Oh, ouch! How true that was. I could be in an excellent mood, and re-read something that happened in our relationship, and suddenly, I was ticked. I had forgotten all about “that” time. How dare he hurt me like that?

Not only was I stepping back into my shackles by re-living those memories, I also threw those shackles back onto my husband. The poor guy never had a chance to start over because I was constantly reminding him of his failures and shortcomings. To reword that correctly, at the first sign of an old behavior, I would remind him of all the times he hurt me, and instantly give him the cold shoulder. Jesus says, “You are a new creation in Christ.” I, as his wife, told him, “You will never change, why try?”

Freedom by Fire (Pt. 1)

(May 12, 2008)
I sit here with about forty pieces of paper filled with memories of my past. There used to be notebooks and notebooks with my every written emotion on them. I have been journaling since I was ten years old. I was always writing stories or poetry, or every detail that I experienced. I breathed in memories and exhaled written stories. I used to be the best letter writer ever! My ex-husband used to joke that I wrote books, not letters, to my friends and family. I guess in a sense, I did. I’d write about everything. There was no detail too small to capture with a pen and piece of paper.

Writing was always my favorite leisure pursuit. Speaking was not. There was something freeing about putting my thoughts on paper. As my pen cruised across the flat white surface, my thoughts came out clear. My ideas made sense. My tone was poetic.

My Speech??? Ha, I could not pronounce my “s” or “r” correctly, and usually stuttered and stammered over my words. Eventually, I gave up on conveying my views with my mouth, and instead, resorted to my graceful and elegant expressions with ink. Writing became my life. Dreaming was uninhibited in my journals. Visions came alive when my pen glided across the paper.

About a year ago, God had me toss the reminders of my past to the raging, consuming bonfire. Twelve years of written recollection of my relationship with my ex-husband smoldered into ashes. Records of the good memories and the bad memories were all gone. Burned and charred fragments of paper flew from within the burning barrel into the sky. Sparks soared and the fire hissed as I relinquished my right to my past. My written collection became my offering to the Lord. Deep sadness and grief filled me as I watched my “future writing material for a book” and my past burn to a crisp.
The motive behind that act was obedience to my Heavenly Father, and to burn the “bridges of my past”. It was August, 2007, a month after my husband and I had our final separation, and God quietly spoke to me. In my heart, I felt as if He told me that I couldn’t go forward unless I quit carrying around the baggage of my past....