Everything God had shown me up until December 31, 2011, was leading me in the direction that my past had to go! I was like a war veteran, telling the stories of the past over and over, only to keep myself stuck in that time frame of hurt, rejection, and pain.
Anyway, I woke up January 1, 2012, determined to go forward into all that God was calling me to. By mid-morning, I was ticked, irritated, and saying some very bad words!!! Although my past was not repeating itself, it felt like it was through a very similar situation. I was ready to run someone over TICKED BEYOND TICKED!!!
The memories of my past reared its ugly head and started taunting me.
"Ha! Ha! Here I am! You thought you could get rid of me! Remember this incident? And this one? Remember the pain of this one? The rage? The bitterness? The anger? The injustice? Oh, what about this? Just in case you forgot, let me remind you about..."
I was ready to blow!!!!! I had a "right" to be was angry! That person had NO right! Selfish! Jerk! Bad, bad, bad words! Insensitive! Grrr.... I continued on and on until I eventually lost all of my peace, all of my joy, and probably a little sanity as well. I let the offenses come and stack up so high that I couldn't even begin to think of sleep because my mind was so bombarded with junk!
I finally found sleep because I eventually woke up....(angry!)
I vented to a friend. I vented to her again. And I vented to her again. I text a different friend and said, "Um, how am I supposed to think positive about this???"
I did that for two or three days.
My heart hurt for the people involved. That caused more anger because it could have been avoided! The anger caused more hurt, more resentment, more bitterness, more anger, more hurt, more resentment.......
I finally cried out to God, "I'm tired of being angry and bitter. Please help me not hunt this person down! Make good come out of this. I pray for everyone involved, even the person making the poor choices. Jesus, we need you to make this right! I need to move forward. Help me to be a light, not a jerk. Protect my kids! Protect the hearts of everyone else involved. And please move in this situation! In Jesus' name, Amen."
I was able to sleep last night.
I woke up with peace this morning.
I'm choosing to go forward.
When the next ghost from the past appears, I will choose, once again, to go forward...
Because I am CHOOSING to...
"forget what is behind and strain towards what is ahead... (I will) press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13b-14
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