I smoke

When things or struggles are hidden, light cannot penetrate through them. We all struggle with things. Bad habits creep in and over time, they become hindrances in our lives.

I smoke. I have smoked since I was 18. I started to smoke to impress a male friend in my life.  Actually, he asked me to get high with him one night, and because I had no prior experience with pot or cigarettes, I coughed and coughed and "wasted" my high. Or so he had said.

So I started stealing my aunt's cigarettes and hid away in the bathroom, forcing myself to smoke. Just to impress a guy, who I would rarely see after that.

I have tried quitting many times, and many times I have failed. 

Once, after my mother-in-law died of lung cancer, I quit for three weeks. That was the longest time I quit smoking. 

The desire to quit has been there, the willpower has not.  I've tried the patch and the gum and the pills, with no success. I even tried hypnosis once. It never worked.

When people mention my smoking to me, I get defensive. My ex used to tell me he would leave me if I didn't quit smoking. I just smoked more. Now, whenever anyone comments to me that I should quit, I get really angry. "How dare they tell me to live my life," I think to myself.

I know smoking is bad for me. I KNOW all the bad things it is doing to my body, yet it isn't enough for me to quit smoking.

I used to think I was a bad Christian because I smoked. The guilt and condemnation was overwhelming and I would beat myself up over it, time and time again. I no longer think that.

But I do wish to quit. I've heard all the tips and advice that someone would give a person who wanted to quit. 

I know, one day, I will no longer smoke. I do not know the day or the time, but I know God does. He knows exactly how many more puffs I will take before I finally lay them down for good. I pray the day comes soon.

I also know that this habit needs light to penetrate it, and only the Savior of the world can give that kind of light. So, I write to expose it. 

Tonight, I journaled in depth about this habit and the excuses I use. It's the first time I have really been honest about it. I pray this is the beginning of the freedom I will one day experience.

Until then, I will continue exposing it to the light as I get honest with God and with myself.