I know...

Tonight I want to write without repercussions. I want to spill my heart...yet the correct words don't come. I want to write, and have no one read what I have to say. I want to SCREAM yet my children might wake up. I want to sob loudly and have my voice be heard. I want to know why things happen the way they do. I want to know what God has in store for me. Sometimes, I am so busy looking behind me, that I can't see an inch ahead of me. Yet...I want to understand. I want to know why. I want the answers.

I know God is a big God. I know Jesus loves me. I know God is for me, and not against me. I know God has a plan for me. I know He has a future full of hope for me. I know this, yet somehow I don't trust this. Don't get me wrong. I really do trust God. Except times like this. I do trust the plan. Except when I don't understand. I know I'm loved. Except when I feel like He's taken things from me.

I have been reading the Psalms lately. Ah...David, the man after God's own heart. Yet he cried out to God often about feeling alone, betrayed, and forgotten. I read those Psalms and how I would love to lay it all out on the line like he did. Instead of writing encouraging posts on Facebook, I'd like to scream, "Ughhh...someone tell me how to keep my heart from hurting. Tell me how to let it go. Show me step-by-step what to do. Help me to stop crying & being depressed over the same stupid things."

The great thing about David is that even though he cried out to God relentlessly, he always ended most chapters with, "BUT, YOU oh Lord..." David didn't understand. David didn't have the answers to his "why's". David often felt alone. David seemed to cry out to God over the same things...yet always KNEW God was good. Despite the hurt and heartache, he declared God's goodness and faithfulness.

I have a hole in my heart the size of a broken dream...BUT God still has a plan!

I have tears that just won't stop falling...BUT God still holds my heart!

I can't seem to face my tomorrow's...BUT God still has hope for my future!

I wonder if I even heard from God...BUT God still continues to speak to me!

I can't stop asking the "why's"...BUT God is still patient & listens to me!

I am stuck in this moment...BUT God still has my hand!

I just want to "feel" better...AND GOD IS THE ANSWER!!!

I know I can't have all the answers. I know I don't get to know all of the "why's". I know God has more in store for me. I know He has the ultimate blueprints of my life. I know all of this. I know the verses to claim. I know the right thing to say. I know life is better with God. I know what He has done for me. I know He's changed my life. I know...

...but tonight, I'm sad. I'm tired of my heart feeling like it's being ripped out. I want the thoughts of the past gone. I want the broken dreams healed, and if God won't heal them, I don't want them at all. I count down the days and I don't know if I will feel more relieved or crushed. I feel like I'm in limbo. There is still time for God to perform a miracle...but I don't know if He will. And if He doesn't, then do I lose faith in Him? Will I quit trusting? I believed and I feel like God let me down again. How do I keep on dreaming? BUT...

...I know God is still good! I know that as I hurt, His arms are gently caressing my wounded heart. He stills me with His love. He sings me to sleep with whispers of lullabies. Part of me wants to let go and walk away...BUT despite my feelings, I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that God still has my back! He still knows what is best for me, even when I can't see it. I know I should be over this...for the 50th millionth time in my life...but I'm not. But I want to be. And I know even though I feel God has let me down, I know He is the only one who can help me through this.

Father God, my daddy, can I come to You as Your little girl tonight? I am angry at You. I feel like you let me down. I feel like You have "toyed" with my feelings. I am sorry I feel this way. I want to trust You. I want to crawl up in Your heavenly lap and feel Your strong arms around me. I want to hear You say it's o-kay. I want to hear You say I'm o-kay, and that just because He rejected me, doesn't mean that I am rejected. I don't understand. I want to be o-kay with You telling me "everything will be fine."

As I withhold some things from my own children, I wish they could understand why they can't have what they want. I just want the best for them. I'm trying to protect them. How much better of a parent are You? I don't like change. I don't like being on rocky ground. I don't like my heart hurting all the time. I don't like feeling out-of-control, yet as I write this, I wonder if You are asking me to give You total control of my life...because You know best...you love me...& because You want to protect me. Daddy, right now, I have tunnel vision. I can only see my desire and my loss. You see the view to the left, to the right, and 10/20/100 miles down the road. It's foggy here in my little corner of the world...yet You are my lighthouse. You are my Guide. You are the Lamp before my feet.

God, I forgive You. I forgive Him. I forgive Her. And please forgive me for directing my anger towards You, oh God. You are just protecting me:) Take my hand. Lead me forward. Help me to stop looking behind. And please don't ever let me run away from You! Keep me in Your grip and hold my heart in Your hand. Please...

I love You. And once again, I choose to trust You! Thank You for never giving up on me...even when I have wanted to give up on You. Please never stop loving me...

Love, Your daughter