2009 is almost over? PART 2

So as I sit here this evening, analyzing my motives, my actions, my thoughts, and my attitudes, I realize I'm feeling disappointment and regret... ...because I allowed another year to pass and I sit here with nothing to show for it!!! Or do I???

PART 2

Christmas 2008

Here sat a girl wounded and broken, going through a divorce, questioning every decision she made, wondering if anyone could ever really love her- completely, wholly, and unconditionally...Feeling empty and lost inside, filled with depression, anxiety, and lack of purpose.

Christmas 2009

Here sits a woman, who fought through obstacle after obstacle, trying to find the One true love of her life...now with a mended heart, joy unspeakable, and purpose. She knows without a doubt that the Creator of the universe, the Lord of the heavens, the Savior of this world is completely in love with His creation-Her! She knows the love of a Father she never had and she calls him Papa God! She stands at the top of a mountain looking at all the incredible things God has for her! She sings because she is happy! She laughs because it's real! She encourages because she believes everyone can have what she has! She lives-and lives life to the fullest because she can! She believes in the dreams of her heart and plans to go after them because she knows they are HERS!

Hmmm... She has much to show for 2009...

2009 is almost over?

My title says what lies in my heart at this moment. I sit here wondering where my year went.

I sit with similar dreams locked deep in my heart, that I didn't pursue this year. I sit with more weight than I started the year off with. I sit here with doubts and failures wondering, "What will truly be different this year?"

I have found myself extremely irritated today-mostly over the small things that really shouldn't get to me... I have been on the verge of tears for days now. I napped today as well as yesterday, and I could easily sleep on and on and on:)

Sigh...what am I avoiding? What am I afraid of? What truly is the heart matter of my irritation and aggravation? And what's up with sleeping more???

So as I sit here this evening, analyzing my motives, my actions, my thoughts, and my attitudes, I realize I'm feeling disappointment and regret...

...because I allowed another year to pass and I sit here with nothing to show for it!!!

Or do I???

(To be continued...)

If/Then...

IF my people, who are called by my name,
will humble themselves
and PRAY and SEEK my face
and TURN from their wicked ways,
THEN will I hear from heaven and
will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14


(Image by Tiffany Vox)

God has many IF/THEN's in the Bible...

Do you ever wonder why some people get their "breakthrough" and why others do not? I used to. I actually used to get mad at God because people were getting blessed and I was "stuck" in my own prison.

One of the key elements of those people receiving their blessing and breakthrough is that they NEVER gave up. They pressed through the obstacles that came their way. They pushed past the oppression that tried to suffocate them. They kept proclaiming the promises that God had given them specifically for their life and for their families.

They didn't quit because they WANTED and DESIRED what was ahead of them! Others knew that turning back wasn't an option, so they continued to go forward.

For me, I kept going because I got tired of going around this mountain over and over and over. I kept going because I desired the freedom others had already received. I kept going because I knew there was a destiny and purpose for my life other than what I was experiencing.

God would lead me to verses about "joy" and living life "more abundantly", and I'd know in my heart, I was not experiencing either! BUT I WANTED TO. I wanted what others had. I wanted to be free. I wanted to switch from being "needy" to being "needed".

As I gave up things (and people) that God asked me to, I would get even angrier, because I still wasn't being blessed or breaking through. At several points throughout the last year, I told God,

"I have given up _________and _________and _________ and _______, and what am I getting in return??? NOTHING!!!"

I have a very open relationship with God. He knows our thoughts, feelings, disappointments- He knows it all. He doesn't want us to pretend with Him or be the "polite" Christian- being fake or pretending we feel something we don't. In fact, much of what I know about my Heavenly Father, came from my honest conversations with Him.

I share that, not to say, "disrespect God who is Holy", but to say that EVEN though God is Holy, He is also my Father, whom I don't have to "pretend" around.

In those moments of anger and openness with My Father God, He would gently wrap my heart in His arms, and whisper words of encouragement, love, and adoration to my Spirit.

"Keep going, sweet daughter...My ways are so much higher than yours, and My thoughts are not your thoughts. What you don't see is how I am molding you into your destiny, one choice at a time. I am so proud of you! Keep leaning on Me, and don't give up! You are almost to the top of this mountain before you."

He brought me to the top...He gave me my breakthrough! AND He wants to do the same for you!!!

Keep pressing on and DO NOT give up!!!!

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~Father God~

The word "testimony" means to "do it again!". I pray Lord God, that YOU as I share my testimonies, that YOU would DO IT AGAIN!!! Do it again for my friends! In their lives, may YOUR glory be revealed and YOUR power released in their hopeless situations and circumstances. Father, I know how hard it is to keep pressing on, because it gets soooooo tiring and it is sooooooo easy to quit! I know the pain and striving it takes to climb that mountain when the screams of the body and soul is saying, "I can't do this anymore!" I know the frustration of seeing everyone else get "free", yet being so entangled in your own prison. I know the longing and desires of wanting to be "birthed" into what You've called me to!

Oh Jesus, You know it too! You know everything we feel, everything we have faced, and everything that is still to come! I pray YOUR persevering power into my friends' lives!!! For ANYONE reading this blog, for anyone who doesn't even know it exists!!! Pour out YOUR Spirit of breakthrough in the lives of those who are seeking YOU! Let them know that they know that they KNOW that there IS more to this life!!! AND IT IS SOOOOOOOOO FULFILLING!!!!! Thank You for Your grace and mercy upon us! Thank YOU for NEVER giving up on me- my stubbornness and all!!! I love You soooo much!!!

In Jesus' precious name, Let it be done!!! AMEN!!!

I have Power???

The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from
the dead, lives in you.
And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead,
he will give life
to your mortal bodies by this
same Spirit living within you.
Romans 8:11 (NLT)

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WOWZERS!!! Did you get that???

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IF you have invited Jesus Christ into your heart,
YOU HAVE the SAME Spirit inside of you that
RAISED JESUS FROM THE DEAD!!!

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IF you haven't...

...THEN WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR???

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God NOT ONLY gives us a NEW LIFE....

...BUT POWER & AUTHORITY

to LIVE that new life!!!

NOT ONLY power & authority...

...BUT...

...VICTORY!!!!!!!
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Are YOU living victorious today???

Are YOU living in the FREEDOM Jesus offers???

Are YOU living your life FULL OF JOY???

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~~~~Dear Jesus~~~~

I lift up my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I lift of those who have not YET chosen You. I pray that YOU would flood their world with YOUR presence! I pray that YOU would draw them into YOUR amazing love and grace and hope and peace! I claim VICTORY & FREEDOM into their lives today! I pray that the SAME SPIRIT that RAISED YOU up from the grave would RISE UP within each one of us! I pray that WE WOULD BECOME EMPOWERED by YOUR Spirit within us! I pray that our eyes would be able to see TRUTH! THE TRUTH about who we are because of WHO YOU ARE!!! Oh, Jesus, I pray for those who have never chosen to walk life with YOU, or for those who have walked away...I pray that YOU would shine light into their heart and their mind and that you would awaken their desire to LIVE WITH AND FOR YOU, -which YOU placed within each person created!!!

I pray for those struggling to reach the mountain top. I pray for those who have lost their joy and direction. I pray for those who can't find their purpose or are afraid to step into their future. I pray for those who LONG for freedom, LONG for restoration, LONG for HOPE and PEACE. YOU know each one who is tired and weary and those who don't want to go on. Dear Jesus, meet each one of them right where they are at, and touch their hearts like never before! RESTORE, REBUILD, REMODEL, RE-ENGAGE, RE-PLANT, RE-SOIL, RENEW.

Thank You Jesus for who You are, for what YOU have done, and for all that You are still accomplishing!!! You are soooooo amazing and I praise You for Your grace and Your restoration in my life!

In Jesus' precious name, Amen

Remembering...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about (remember) such things." Philippians 4:8

Remember- keep in mind, bear in mind, call to mind, cite, conjure up, dig into the past, dwell upon, fix in the mind, have memories, hold dear, keep forever, know by heart, memorialize, recall, recollect, refresh memory, remind, think back...

Awwww....how many times does your mind wander each day? What consumes your thoughts? Are there memories that you hold dear? Do you dig into the past to edify your "todays" or to haunt your "tomorrows"? What "fixed" memories do you meditate on? Are they keeping you grounded and focused on Christ or do they send you into a state of condemnation, leaving you bound for failure?

I used to have a problem with remembering. (And I don't mean the kind that comes with age- like forgetting)

I remembered and thoughts on the wrong things: past failures, mistakes, grievances, broken hearts, hurts, sins (my own and those of others), grudges, and so forth.

My mind used to wander quite often throughout the day. At the end of the day, my mind was exhausted, yet I did nothing strenuous. Have you ever had that problem???

I figured out that I allowed my mind to gravitate towards those negative things that sucked my energy. Note the word "allowed". We are to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5, yet how often do we "allow" our thoughts to take us captive.

Heavenly Father~

Today, I choose to remember what You've done in my life. I thank You that You are Truth! I thank You that You are noble, right, pure, lovely, & admirable! I thank You that You are the perfect example of all of those qualities. I thank You for giving me the "mind of Christ", and the power over my thoughts. Help me to think "excellence" in all I do, say, or think. Help me to develop an attitude of praise. May I meditate on Your word and become "fixed in purpose", not wavering to the left or to the right. I pray I would begin to start speaking to the champion in myself and in those around me, that we may rise up and become ALL that You would have us be. Most of all, may I remember where I've come from and the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for me on the cross that has gotten me to where I am today.

In Jesus' name, Amen~

Remembering on PURPOSE!

(This post was 1st published in Jan. 2009)

Who am I

We had a breakthrough during our church service this morning! God is incredible!!! I am simply in awe at His grace and mercy and love for me. I seriously wish I could give you what I feel right now. I wish I could somehow upload into your heart what God has downloaded into mine. My "hard drive" is overflowing with God's supernatural touch!

The boys and I were watching Evan Almighty tonight. We've seen it many times before; yet tonight, I noticed one conversation out of the whole movie. Evan is talking to God and saying, "Why? Why have you chosen me?"

God told him..."You want to change the world...and so do I!"

So many times, I've asked God similar questions. I look around at my life, and at all the things God has done in and through me, and I am totally floored!

1 Chronicles 17:16:17 Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said:
"Who am I, O LORD God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? ¹⁷ And as if this were not enough in your sight, O God, you have spoken about the future of the house of your servant. You have looked on me as though I were the most exalted of men, O LORD God.

I am blessed more than I could have ever imagined or dreamed!

Oh Heavenly Father~ I pray for those who are reading this...You see each heart and every emotion they feel! You know the ones who don't even have the strength to dream anymore. You know the ones who are believing the lies of the enemy as he tells them that they must not be good enough. You know the ones who are tired of going forward and fighting the same battles over and over and over. You know the ones who rejoice as, they too, have crossed into Your threshold. You know the ones who get up only to be knocked down again. You see the ones who are longing to be "birthed". You see the ones who just want to be used by you! You see the lonely and afflicted, the confused and the scared...Oh God, you see them all.
They need Your touch in their life! Oh Father, I have so much extra joy and blessings in my heart, and I'd gladly share, but I know that You have a special call on each person's life. You have special gifts for each and every person and I pray that You would pour those out into their lives. Open up the windows of heaven and let Your power fall over the "impossible situations", the "doomed people", the "Hopeless"...
God, if YOU can move mightily in my life, I KNOW You can move in their life!!! Let it be done in Jesus Name!!! Amen~

Envision...

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9 NIV

What would it look like if you were free from all of the emotional and mental "baggage" you carry around? How would it feel not to have the weight of the world on your shoulders? What if God came into your world and did more for you than you could ever imagine or dream?

Are there worrisome thoughts or anxieties that steal your joy? Do you have past failures that you cannot forgive yourself for? Do you "self-soothe" through activities or substances that are not healthy to your body (or your mind or soul)? Are you tired of having "dreams" or aspirations for your future and getting no where with them?

Well, today, I want you to envision what your life would be like if you could do anything you set your heart to. Envision the view in front of you if you could just climb over the mountain in your way.

Dictionary.com defines Envision as this: to picture mentally, esp. some future event or events: to envision a bright future. Synonyms include: anticipate, contemplate, conceptualize, foresee, grasp, imagine, see, view, visualize...

Envision freedom from... depression; people pleasing; self-destructing behaviors; wrong thinking; judgmental attitudes; addictions; anxiety; self-defeating way of life; being a work-a-holic...

Envision not being afraid! Envision freedom from fear of... failure, rejection, success, people, new adventures, becoming too prideful...

Envision feeling good about yourself! Envision freedom from...self-condemnation; unworthiness; striving for acceptance; not being good enough; being your own worst critic; never measuring up; never forgiving yourself...

Can you get a sense in your heart of what that would feel like? Can you feel the weight lifting off as you dream and envision, OR are you shutting that down because you don't want to dream because "it doesn't happen anyway"...

Will you take a risk today and dream/envision/imagine/visualize what your life would be like if you if you were FREE from those things that weigh you down???

I want you to write that down somewhere and keep it in a place you can refer to it often. The more you look at it, the more you will begin to believe it's possible! The more you believe it's possible, the more actions you will take to "move you" there. The more actions you take to "move you" there, the sooner you will experience your freedom!


~Heavenly Father, I pray for those reading this that You would plant a dream in their heart. Help them to envision their life without the baggage that has tried to make its permanent home in their heart. Oh Father, show them Your hope and your aspirations for their life. Help them to dream again! I pray for a tangible touch of your love on each person visiting this blog...Lord, SHOW UP in their lives in ways that are so much higher than ours. May your dreams for them be more than what they could ever imagine. Put your protection over each person as they begin to envision Your freedom! In Jesus' name, Amen~

BREAKTHROUGH

Breakthrough

1. An act of overcoming or penetrating an obstacle or restriction.

2. A military offensive that penetrates an enemy's lines of defense.

3. A major achievement or success that permits further progress, as in technology.

Oooooohhhhh!!!! Check out the definition of "breakthrough"! Does it make you want it? Does it cause a passion to rise up in you? Does it make you wonder if there REALLY is more to this life than just living and dying? Does it make you crave it? Does it make you want to know if it's possible for you? Does it cause something to stir in the deepest part of your heart and soul?

If it does, I encourage you to hang out with me on this journey, because I am THERE! I KNOW it's possible for YOU to be here with me! I KNOW I'm going "forward" in life and will take anyone with me willing to follow! You can take it at your own speed...step by step, sometimes inch by inch...but I can tell you that if you do, God will "show up" in your life MORE than you can EVER dream or imagine!!!

I want to teach you, show you, encourage you, offer you hope, and be YOUR cheerleader as you walk with me. Often when I "get somewhere" in life, I don't remember how I got there, I just know I did. This time, through God's amazing, amazing working, I see the steps of HOW I got here. As God leads, I will share with you these nuggets of truth, as well as my real life experiences to back it up. I pray that God will lead the people here that need to be here. I pray that He opens up the eyes and the ears of those who have been lied to by this world that "THIS IS ALL LIFE OFFERS".

Hmmm...SO NOT TRUE! Jesus Christ came so that we could have LIFE & LIFE MORE ABUNDANTLY!!! For the first time in my life, I AM BEGINNING TO LIVE IN THAT- in my heart, soul, mind, and spirit!

So today, STEP 1- You have to choose...Do you want to come along for the ride? Do you want to go where God is taking me? Do you want breakthrough? Do you want to know if there is more to this life? Do you want to live life MORE abundantly and more joyfully? Do you want to start making a difference in the lives around you? Do you want to be FREE of the baggage holding you back? Then, take my hand and let's go!

Think about it. If you need to come back at a later time, I'll still be here. But I need to let you know now, that I AM going forward at however fast or slow God takes me. God is the engine and the fuel that drives this train, I am simply hanging onto Him. Sometimes I'll be at the front of the train, sometimes I'll be in the middle, and sometimes I will even be at the rear holding the hand of the one who can't do it alone! It is my goal to take your hand, link you up with the Heavenly Captain, and show you how to embrace HIS hand on your own. It is my goal to learn from you as well! I DO KNOW I am experiencing breakthrough after breakthrough and I WANT YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE FREEDOM AND PASSION AND JOY that I feel!

I want to SHOUT it from the rooftops that YOU CAN BE FREE! My heart has been held captive for sooooooooooo long, and it's not anymore!

So...today is a choice...

Do you want to go forward and take possession of "every good and perfect gift" that God wants to offer you? For today...this moment...you simply have to choose:)

Love ya all and I'll be back tomorrow:)

"God, where are YOU?"

Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me. Psalm 71:2

David must have been feeling ignored by God when He wrote this. "GOD, where are YOU? Why aren't YOU listening? I CAN'T take this life anymore!" I can feel the desperation in his words: RESCUE me; DELIVER me; TURN...to me; SAVE me!!! Can you relate to David?

Maybe he wasn't seeing instant results to his prayers. Maybe he felt like God left him. Maybe he felt like God owed him something. Maybe he just felt alone and scared and couldn't understand where God was at that moment. Maybe he was overcome by his own guilt and shame and wanted to hide even from himself as well as memories of his past poor choices. Maybe he was tired of living in his own "hell" and was begging God to rescue him. Maybe he doubted the presence of God in his life at that moment. Maybe everything in his life was going wrong and he felt so hopeless...

I know many people who are in that exact same spot today, including Christians: feeling hopeless and overwhelmed by the life they daily wake up to. The "same problems, different day." The ones who are beginning to wonder if God has given up on them because no matter what they do, they are still "stuck" and hurting. I know Christians who plead with Jesus to "hurry and come back", because the aching in their heart is on overload. Others "work, work, work" just to escape the jungle and cloudiness that has formed in their mind. There are those who drink, eat, shop, do drugs, sleep, etc. to drown out the pain. People are feeling hopeless and are tired of fighting! Tired of praying for things that never come to pass! Tired of waiting for "this God" to show up in their life.

It breaks my heart because I know people, including Christians, who want to die. Not because they want to stop living, but because they can't take the pain, sorrow, anxiety, and cares of this world anymore! BUT most people put on their happy, little, pretty smile and whistle while they work, so that others can't see the desperation of their heart. Others withdraw and isolate theirselves because they can't even pretend to be "ok" anymore.

I "get" that! I "get" the desperation in David's life! I "get" the thoughts of 'God is ignoring me!' I "get" feeling like I will never get over the mountain! I "get" being frustrated with people who claim that 'God is so wonderful', and yet He is not being very wonderful in my life! I sooooo totally "get" that! I "get" feeling like God has hurt and disappointed me!

I have been there countless times...

I got tired of "fighting battles" everytime I turned around...

I kept doing what I was supposed to do, yet kept getting knocked down!

People told me to keep "fighting", keep pressing on, keep believing, keep proclaiming, keep the faith...

...and even tho I felt crushed over those right choices that hurt sooooo much, and even though I was soooooooooo tired of pushing and pushing and walking forward and never getting anywhere (so it seemed)...I STILL DID IT!

...even tho I cried a million tears, slept hours and hours to cope, I STILL CHOSE to wake up and FIGHT the battle, praying and begging God to change me and "move" in my life.

I HAVE BROKEN THROUGH!!!

I PRESSED ON(Each day, God took the little I had to give Him)! I DID NOT GIVE UP! I KEPT SEEKING GOD NO MATTER WHAT MY CIRCUMSTANCES SAID! I KEPT BELIEVING IN GOD EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMED LIKE HE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO ME! I PERSEVERED EVEN WHEN, AT TIMES, IT HURT LIKE HELL!

I praise God for the people who kept telling me to press on! I praise God for the spirit inside of me that enabled me to fight day after day! I praise God that because I went through the things I did, that I can sit here and tell you "FIGHT" and "DO NOT GIVE UP!"

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES!

I KNOW THAT GOD NEVER LEAVES US OR FORSAKES US!

I KNOW THAT GOD IS THE PERFECT FATHER!

I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO BE DEFEATED!

I KNOW I AM HEALED OF DEPRESSION!

I KNOW I AM LOVED & ADORED BY GOD!

I KNOW ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD!

I KNOW I CAN LOOK FORWARD TO LIVING EVERY DAY!!!

I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW!!!!!!!!!


...and because I KNOW what God is doing and has done in my life, NO ONE CAN convince me that my GOD isn't real!

Soooooooooo, IF you are at a point where you want a different life, a more fulfilling life, a victorious life, THEN KEEP PRESSING ON IN CHRIST JESUS AND DO NOT QUIT! Find a Christian to "partner" up you and walk beside you to be your cheerleader! How desperate are you for change??? How desperate are you for freedom???

If you do not have Jesus Christ as your Savior, Lord, and friend...He will take you just as you are!!! But again, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE! If you feel hurt by God, give HIM another chance to show you how much HE LOVES YOU!!!

My son peeked over my shoulder, and said, "Mom, seriously, why do you always write about God? People are going to get soooooo tired of you and think that you are crazy!"

The answer, my son, is simply this:

I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT GOD IS REAL AND THAT I AM NOT THE SAME BECAUSE OF WHAT HE HAS DONE IN MY LIFE!!! I WANT OTHERS TO KNOW THERE IS HOPE! THERE IS MORE TO THIS LIFE!

Isaiah 61
¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners...

My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.
Psalm 71:23

CHARGE!!!

Today is a day that I have to FIGHT for my mind! I just got done tweeting, and I also need to put this on my blog as well!

I have always let myself become defeated by the voice of the enemy. Most of the time, the broken records are in my mind, so he doesn't have to do much work. I spent the morning sleeping to cope. I woke up and didn't want to fight today! Most of the time, I sleep when I don't want to deal with my life. God has put so many dreams and desires in my heart, and because of the way I feel about myself, I don't do them. Or else I start them, only to convince myself that I am not worthy to be doing them.

I look at other Christians as better than me because they "seem" to have it all together and I usually don't see their struggles in their heart. Occasionally, I lose control of my tongue. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I swear, sometimes the thoughts in my heart are not very pleasing to God or to myself.

The thing about self-defeated-ness is that I can do the destroying all by myself. My flesh and mind is not trained to stand up against the enemy for long periods of time. I can give the best "talk" or "pep-talk" in the world for someone else, but when it comes to myself, I give up before I even start. I hang onto the guilt of the sins I commit, and do not forgive myself. In essence, I turn down the forgiveness Jesus offers and try to convince HIM how horrible my sin was and how He really doesn't want to use me.

YET, there is a part of me that wants to believe that I AM WORTHY His love and acceptance and His gifts and favor and mercy and grace! There is a part of me that wants to break out of the cocoon I PUT MYSELF in and become EVERYTHING God wants me to be. I mean, come on, HE NAMED me Heaven, for crying out loud! Heaven-the treasured place where we all want to go when we die! There has GOT to be a great destiny for me and yet, I SLEEP!

Anyway, this is what I just got done tweeting, because I know I am NOT the only one being defeated by self-condemning thoughts!!! I want to share with YOU hope and encouragement that WE CAN step into those things God is calling us to because WE ARE WORTHY! We ARE GOD'S KIDS! And WE HAVE A DESTINY THAT IS OURS FOR THE TAKING (and fighting!)

TWEETS
Today is a CHOOSE TO "fight" day that I described on my blog last night. I feel like the baby in the womb longing to be born! I'm having spiritual birthing pains except I'm the one being birthed! I'm the one screaming to get out of this warm and comfy environment because it's not comfy anymore. I'm restricted and squished! I want to be free! I'm tired of being pushed! It's accelerating and I'm ready to breathe and live and move and walk in all God has called me to. I'm tired of being restricted within the limitations I HAVE PUT on myself! I want to stretch and move freely. I started dreaming again and I want to fulfill those dreams. I'm tired of being bound by my self-defeating excuses! I AM GOOD ENOUGH! Not by my standards, BUT BECAUSE GOD SAYS SO!!! I'm tired of believing LIES OF THE ENEMY! I'm sick of the broken records in my head telling me everything in life is my fault! Telling me I'm worthless! Telling me I don't count and DON"T matter! I DO matter because GOD CHOSE ME! I'm tired of starting something only to allow him to tell me I can't do it! I WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR CHRIST AND I WILL IMPACT LIVES! I will go forward! I WILL NOT BOW ANY LONGER to the smoke screen threats yelling "unworthiness"! Greater is HE IN ME than he that is in this world. I HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST! And when Jesus was confronted by satan in the wilderness, he did not BOW! He said...IT IS WRITTEN...AWAY FROM ME SATAN! It is written that I AM a child of the most high King! My worth and self-esteem comes from my Father in heaven! I am more than a conquerer and I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! If you are a child of the most high King, THAT is for YOU too! If you are not, GOD WILL TAKE YOU INTO HIS ARMS JUST AS YOU ARE, BUT you have to choose!

Be courageous!

"Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13



A soldier needs courage which Websters defines as: the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.


Many times in the Bible, God's Word, we are instructed to be courageous. A synonym of courage is brave which has been defined as:to meet or face courageously, to defy, challenge or dare. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.



When ever I read definitions like those of Courage or Brave, something from the deepest part of my soul rises to the surface as my heart longs to reflect those meanings. A "fight" awakens in me when I realize that I CAN "meet my circumstances courageously". A part of me becomes alive with that "fight" I usually don't realize I possess.



Soldiers aren't wimps! They are trained, equipped, and prepared for battle. They arm theirselves with artillery more than adequate for the battle they are about to face. A strategy is devised by getting to know the way of their enemy, and their plan of attack. There is a mind set that has to be meditated on and an attitude of defeat is NOT allowed. There is no turning back until they have conquered the mission before them.



Christians are God's army! Soldiers who are instructed to press on, run with perseverance, and to stand firm!



The problem I have found in my own life is my mindset. I usually am defeated before I even begin. I'm tired of that. I start on a mission, only to have the enemy say, "Boo", and I quickly retreat. Since when are soldiers supposed to be polite in battle? Since when do soldiers retreat when their enemy appears with a smoke bomb? Their mind HAS to be trained for victory and conquering!!! Their mind has to overcome the fear that they face. There is a point when the mission is "attack" without reserve, pause, or retreat.



A battle isn't fought through strength alone. The foundation of victory comes by strategy, action, and perseverance. I can imagine a soldier gets tired and weary. It's got to be exhausting to fight, BUT they go on because they know the victory is coming. They know the reason for fighting and they believe in what they are fighting for.



So, in this battle for my mind and going forward DESPITE what my feelings are, I need to girded and focused with an attitude of victory. So the next time my mind tells me this (as Saul told David in 1 Samuel 17:33): "You are not able to go out against this [giant] and fight him..."



I can reply as David did to Saul in the next three verses: "...When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, ³⁵I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. ³⁶ Your servant has killed BOTH the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine [GIANT] will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. ³⁷ The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine."

Grateful!

Wow, it seems like an eternity since I've been able to blog. For me, it's so different than journaling on my computer. Not sure why, but it is.

This has been a tough six months, BUT I'd do it again in a heartbeat because of all I've learned and the ways I have grown. For those of you who have followed my tweets, you have been able to share in some of those, but mostly only hints of events have been shared. I look forward to sharing with you the things I have learned in my time "away" from my computer:)

The boys and I moved at the end of October. As I shared before, it was a "total God move". Each step and moment of the way left me on the edge of my seat because I had NO clue where I was going, how I was going to move, and who was going to help me move. All I knew was I needed to move. My trailer was cute and it was home, but I needed to get my finances in order, and therefore, that meant downsizing into something more affordable.

Since our move, we have officially "settled in" and made this apartment our new home. The boys had to change schools, and leave behind what was familiar to them. Dylan adjusted quite well from the beginning. Zach...he's an 8th grader and this was hard for him! The struggles have been huge and heartbreaking, but they have also strengthened my faith, and pushed me out of my comfort zone as well! Ha, love being on the edge of the "nest" with God telling me to fly:)

My car died, and that took away my freedom to "go" whenever I wanted. I went through a little depression and had my pity party, and now back on the up-swing of life. I have been writing a lot and spending a lot of time in God's presence. There has been some relationships in my life that have been severed and strained, yet I press on, trusting them to God.

Change is hard, but necessary in this thing we call life. God does take us into His arms exactly as we are, but He loves us enough not to leave us that way! He takes us out of the miry clay, cleans us up, so that we can help others out of that same pit. Praise God that someone went before me so they could help pull me out!

I have learned a lot about God and His character during this time. I have had some incredible revelations concerning His love, and lately, the authority He has given us in Christ Jesus! I love the journey I've been on even though it's been difficult...

I have also been drawing more, sewing more, and singing more. My drawing has shifted a bit, not sure what to make of that, or where that is headed, but it's cool. There are so many things God is showing me, and I have to be careful not to go before Him and jump ahead. THAT is fun, fun.

I'm just glad to be back. I thought I would be writing a profound post once I sat down, but as I sit in my chair, clicking on the keyboard, I just feel grateful to have this opportunity again. I am silenced by His mercy and grace...just thankful for all He's done for me in the time I've been away. I will share some pics at the end (just because I can!)

Well, thank you to those who prayed and encouraged and stood beside me. You guys ROCK! Love ya!

BTW, I opened my other blogs back up, so feel free to check them out as time goes by. Not sure what direction my "Heaven Designed" blog is going, but prayerfully will continue "Letters to God". Until TOMORROW (squeal!), toodles:)

Our new pet- Rhino:)

One of the drawings I did

Another drawing

Of course, our Christmas tree!
A couple weeks ago, Dylan
got baptized (will share more later)

Abba Father! Daddy???

This summer has been a turning point in my family's life and in my relationship with God. Let me tell you a story about two boys, two daddies, and a mother on a mission to answer the question... "who is my DaDdY?"

I know who my earthly father was: A man who Satan used to steal the best years of my childhood through abuse, drugs, and alcohol, yet was used by God to give me life. A man who I feared greatly, yet he stood on my pedestal. A man who wounded my heart deeply, yet held my heart so captive with love. A man who left my family time and time again, yet never left my heart...

You know my story: Abused as a child, grew up seeking love through sex, alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, and self-mutilation. My earthly father committed suicide when I was 15. I sought out male acceptance through many different avenues, the main one being shallow physical relationships acquired from a night on the town. Finally settled down, had two kids which Dr.s told me was never possible, and eventually got married, only to find myself in divorce court 4 years later.

I've been a Christian for many years, but there has always been an aspect missing in my relationship with Christ. An element of love that I couldn't receive because of my woundedness and my determination to never get hurt again. The element of being able to forgive myself and bestow grace upon myself. The journey of never "feeling" good enough or worthy in the sight of God.

Well, if you have followed my journey from the beginning or for awhile, then you have seen me work through some of those issues, one bite at a time. The epiphany of revelation from God zaps me, and in turn, I blog about it. I figured I had come pretty far...and of course, I had...but God wanted more...

He wanted me to learn how to dive into the ocean with trust and faith that I have never had to have before. He wanted me to give Him control of ALL of me, not just those things that are comfortable to give up... He wanted my broken of all brokenness, and my deepest hurt of all times, and wanted to transform it into something beautiful...

This summer became the start of another chapter of my life's legacy...

I started the summer with two boys, an ex-husband who was father to both our boys, and by the middle of summer, I ended up with two boys, and an ex-husband who was now father to only one of our boys, and a man from my past who actually fathered my other son.

WHAT??? Did I lose you??? Welcome to the story of the middle of my summer!

My past rose up from the grave and tried to destroy me, my children, my ex-husband, and our lives as we knew it. Now, it is the beginning of fall, yet we all still remain standing! Praise God!!!

To make a long story short, I had a weekend encounter with a man 14-years ago, that we found out this summer, through a paternity test, to be my son's father. A man, who thought of this boy as his son for 13 years, now had to share him with another man who was robbed thirteen years of a son's he didn't know he had.

Throughout the summer, Zachary came to know and love his birth father, only to have him taken away a month later. Dylan has been trying to find meaning in the midst of the chaos, and trying to figure out where he stands and how he fits into the mix. My ex-husband, has been dealing with several emotions I can't even begin to comprehend. The birth dad, now behind bars for poor life choices, suddenly lives with regret and pain because he is separated from the only son he has. And me???

Well, I have grown... and been stretched...and am learning to forgive myself... and have drawn into a deeper relationship with God. I have had to trust, and let go. I have had to look the people I have hurt in the face, and admit some of the most difficult things of my life. I have seen the amazing sovereignty of God as He has reached down from heaven and planted each and every detail of my life and my children's life.

As my 13-year old angrily had to question, "Um...who is my dad? and how did this happen???"...

As my 9 year old has dealt with, "Why don't I have two dads? Is Zach still my brother?" and the many more questions a 9 year old has...

As I look into the faces of everyone whose lives have been affected because of my poor choices many years ago, I have had to cry out, "Abba Father!!! Daddy???" and realized that I didn't know God as my Daddy... I knew God as I did my earthly Father... "loved him, but scared to death of him"; "feeling abandoned by Him when life got hard..."

How was I to teach my boys the love of the Perfect Parent- Father God- a dad who never left, if my view of Him was super distorted and "off"? Thus, another journey began...

Stand tall today! Be encouraged today! Rest in the arms of God today! He's big enough and He can handle anything!!!

Love of a Daddy

I am learning about the love of a Father- Father God...Daddy God...

I have had many practical applications and examples in my life of what fathers are NOT supposed to be. But...never really knew what a father was SUPPOSED to be like. My life has not been touched by a positive father influence, so when I hear people talk about their dads or Father God, I can't grasp that concept for what it is.

Well, God has been showing me little by little this past month as I have asked the questions and waited for him to answer (it's amazing what I hear when the distraction of internet, cell phone, TV, etc. are taken away)... He is answering and planting in my heart and loving on me as a Father should...

My boys need to know their Father God because their earthly Fathers have let them down...If I don't know what that looks like, how am I to teach them??? THAT was the first question I asked to God about a month and a half ago...

You ask...He will answer:)

He answered through situations, and real life experience, as my own heart's wounds were opened. He has been administering ointment to those wounds as He is loving me into a deeper relationship with Him. I can't even begin to describe the emotions and situations that have arisen in the past 2 months, even before I stopped blogging.

God is incredible and has totally met me in the darkness of my life's circumstances. The stone around my heart is beginning to melt and I am seeing God's love and direction for my life as love and protection, where I used to see punishment and cruelty. I can't even begin to explain that one...it would take forever!

I used to see a God who gave to everyone else, except me because 1) I wasn't worthy, 2) I didn't deserve it. 3) It would be taken away eventually anyway...

I have lived in a silent prison of not having any clue what this love looks like, and God has taken my hand, gently guided me through those doors, and showing my eyes new scenery, even though I have glanced at it all before at a distance. It's personal and it's for me. I am getting a tour guide of this love by the Father himself!!!

You know, this girl has to write! and has been writing...and will continue writing... unfortunately for you right now, you don't get to view my personal journal:) I am writing...and it is turning into a love story... And it's real! And I can touch it and feel it in the deepest place of my heart! And someday, I will share it! I will live it! I will preach it! I will direct others to the throneroom when they don't feel worthy enough to walk alone! It is a real life story - one of a Father who adores and cherishes and CHOOSES and seeks out His beautiful daughter, a beloved Princess!!!!

...and her name is Heaven...

Rojoice over the brown strand!

And REJOICE before the LORD your God at the place he will choose as a dwelling for his Name—you, your sons and daughters, your menservants and maidservants, the Levites in your towns, and the aliens, the fatherless and the widows living among you. Deuteronomy 16:11

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Sometimes, God whispers to get our attention. Sometimes, we simply feel the "look". Sometimes, He will use people to speak to us. And other times, He needs to SHOUT through life experiences and say, "HELLO! You need to focus! You have a job to do! I love you and I NEED you to get your priorities straight."

Well, for me, the latter came when my internet got disconnected. I was so involved and wrapped up in other stuff that my attention to the "real world" was no where to be found. God needed my focus and attention to be on my children, on my spiritual life, on my own flaws, and I was seriously not there!!!

Ah...I love God! Even when I ignore those small, gentle, and then bolder whispers, HE still takes the time to SHOUT. He seeks me out over and over again to get my attention. He spends heart energy preparing the way for me, and makes sure the distractions are gone so I will really hear Him. He is so gentle and loving and even when He SHOUTS, He still does it gently and lovingly. I am in awe today of the awesomeness of God.

Seriously, I PRAY THAT YOU..."may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:18-19

EVERY DETAIL! God knows! God plans! God uses! And when the time comes to fruition, He reminds us of every detail of our past that HE weaved together to form a beautiful tapesty called our lives. All of those brown strands (our mistakes from our past) are so ugly alone, but in the end, God makes them shimmer and stand out, adding the most gorgeous and slightest touch of detail amongst the many colors of beauty.

Look at a piece of material or a blanket and notice the gold strand weaved throughout it to give it that beautiful and completed look. Without that, it is a plain, pretty, but plain color. God takes the pretty, but plain part of our lives and weaves in those things we think that God could never ever use to make us beautiful. God takes our "brown" and turns it into "gold"...

And for that, today I rejoice...

God is so good....

Let me just say how awesome God is! What the enemy wants to destroy us with, the Lord will take and totally transform it into something beautiful. We try to plan our course, but GOD determines our steps. He truly does know what He's doing. He truly does have the blueprint of our lives in His hands. His timing is perfect! The details are so specific, it can blow one's mind.



Throughout the years, I have "beaten myself up" over certain mistakes from my past, not ever believing that God could ever make something beautiful of them. He has 100% proved me wrong these past two weeks. He cares sooooooooooooo much about you, about me, and about the details of our lives! God will go out of His way to prove that HE IS ALL KNOWING, ALL POWERFUL, EVERYWHERE PRESENT, in the details of our life.



Be encouraged tonight... Those things that you think God will never ever redeem- trust me, He will. The mistakes you can't believe you ever made- He will use those too. The words that are written in His word about "God having a plan for your future"- yep, they are true!



If you are in a situation where darkness seems to be prevailing, DO NOT lose hope! Be strong and take heart! Be courageous! God is mighty to save! The battle does belong to the Lord!



I wish you could see how much God loves you! I wish I could see how much God loves me! As I think about all the details of my life, I am beginning to see a glimpse of His love for me!

...and it is AWESOME!

God is awesome!

DONE/ Emotionally "spent"

UPDATE: Decided to update this post... For most of my readers, you may have no clue about this blog scam I have encountered. Praise God!!! For those of you who travel here from way of another blog (from my posted comments), read on.

I reached out in love to a woman after her "blog scam" became unveiled. Through conversations (email, IM, phone calls, text), I developed a friendship with her. At one point I became pegged as her "mentor". On a blog I disagreed with, I spoke up for this woman using my real ID and name, and boy, oh boy! THAT was a mistake. Suddenly some of my blog followers were being left anonymous comments that I wasn't a good "blog friend" to have, my name and integrity was ridiculed, I received some nasty e-mails, and so forth.

Ah...sigh...I vowed I would error on the side of love and grace instead of hate and bitterness. I figured at least if I got hurt through "sticking up for her", then at least it would be justified because I was loving in Christ! Worse come to worse, I would get emotionally hurt. That was an ok price to pay for being loving. That is simply life sometimes.

Time went on, and the saga got bigger and just out-of-control. There were more lies, more "stories" all the way around, and I became quickly overwhelmed. EVeryone was convincing in why their evidence was the truth! Seriously, my "truth-meter" was overloaded, and yesterday was my breaking point. I sobbed uncontrollably as I told another party "I was done". I'm not sure what possessed me to get involved in the first place, but I did. Through a very emotional day, I e-mailed everyone involved and simply told them I was done! kinda' funny now, but that's all I could say over and over is: "I am done". I don't want to be involved anymore.

I won't take back my actions of loving and believing. I would take back my actions of being overly involved and divulging information, because I went against my word. I am not sure I would have commented under my real identity (lol) and I am not sure I would have gotten invested.

But here's the thing: This is the internet people! Scams happen! Tragedy happens! Some people are real and some are not! People get "duped", some people even twice or three times. We seriously HAVE to seek God on what is truth and what is not!

I believe God asked me to be an "advocate" for this woman, and that's why I don't regret contacting her and befriending her. Did I get hurt? YES. Does that mean I doubt all of humanity? NO. Does that mean I am careful next time? YES. But it doesn't mean I put icicles around my heart and shut everyone out (which is what I have done recently)

So do I believe God can use EVERY circumstance in this thing? YES. Did I make a few poor choices? YES. Do I regret it? NO. Such is life:)

I am guilty of loving too much and trying to be on "both sides".

I am without internet currently, so my visits here will be sporatic. To those who have e-mailed me, I appreciate you. I am o-kay, it's all o-kay, I will be back, and I will be back stronger:)

God's timing is perfect and therefore, this is a perfect time for me to bow out of the game....with ALL parties involved. I have no more information to offer, no more "secrets to tell", no more explanations, no more condolances. If I don't contact you back, please don't be offended:) When I do have a chance to get on-line, it's for a very short time. Be back soon:)

ORIGINAL POST:
I have encountered an unfortunate situation on the internet and I am taking a break from my blog. I am really pretty naive about the internet, and about loving people, and I tend to get wrapped up in my bloggy friend's stories and lives.

My greatest strength is that when I decide to love people, I love people with everything in me; my greatest weakness is that I love people with everything in me... The compassionate person gives more than what she has (whether physically or emotionally), and that has been the case for many years in my life. I'm emotionally "spent". I have an "in real life" I have been neglecting in order to deal with this on-line situation, and I seriously need to get back to it.

I have a situation in my "real life" this week that is going to be huge for my family, that has nothing to do with any of this, so please keep the boys and I in extra prayers:) Thanks! I will try to stop by and check out your blogs when I can. For those who are regulars here, you are the BEST!!! I am disabling comments, but feel free to e-mail me at heavsparks@yahoo.com if you need to.

Truth and love...

I was looking up scriptures on truth and love for an on-line situation I have been involved with. During my search, God actually showed me some things about myself. It was similar to one of those moments where you are sitting in church and the Pastor is speaking some awesome words, and you think of that person who really should NOT have missed "this sermon!"

It was THAT kind of moment! I was ready to "fire" the Word of God at some people, when God actually drew me back to the reflection in the mirror that I see daily...He not only brought me face-to-face with Him, but reminded me that I am simply a vessel to be used by Him, and that He ultimately is in control.

Ohhhh! I had the "perfect" verses to throw out there, and then justified (to myself AND God) that I clearly had the right to "lay down the law", or "fire of God", so to speak. Ha! NOT in God's eyes...

Because He is wonderful and sovereign, He also gave me a couple opportunities to practice these wonderful acts of truth and love! What an encouraging thing!

Well...I'd like to say, "Yes, praise God!", however, as I'm watching pieces of a puzzle fall into place as I write, I am starting to feel an "ouch" moment rise... (*ouch*) because I failed at one of those opportunities: a phone call with my ex-husband.

It hurts to do the right thing. It hurts to sit back and say nothing when you would like to pour fire and brimstone on people who vindictively hurting others. It hurts to love people knowing you could totally get hurt. It hurts to be truthful and honest, even when it means your reputation is at stake. It hurts

Sad...

Tonight I am sad...

There are so many things going on right now with people I care about and even complete strangers that I have compassion for over stuff in their lives...

...and I'm sad...

I know the joy of the Lord is my strength...

...but for tonight, I am sad...

I know God works out all things for good...

...but for tonight, I am sad...

I know the end result will be just fine...

...but I am sad...

I am sad that we have a real enemy who wreaks havoc without regard to anyone else...

...I am sad...

My heart is heavy. Seriously, I could cry.

Situation A,B,&C are my own life situations. Situation D is a friend's situation. Situation E is a family member's situation. Situation F,G,H,I,J is a bloggy friend's situation. Situation K is a new friend's situation. Situation L belongs to a woman I don't agree with, yet I still hurt for. Situation M,N,O is......&Z...

"Now I sing my A,B,C's, next time won't you sing with me."

...I don't feel like singing because I have chosen to carry situations A-Z on my shoulders. It's pretty heavy. One of the problems with having the gift of compassion is that I "feel" everyone's pain, even when I may not agree with their perspective. I defend those who no one else will defend...(well, not always, but usually.) The "underdog", so to speak. I get passionate about it to the point of "over-doing" it, getting too emotionally involved, and end up not representing Christ too well in my frustration. Ah...more of an eye-opener that I truly do need a Savior!

I am not allowing comments tonight. See, I know the verses that say, "be encouraged, etc." I know that, in the end, all will be fine. I know God will work out all things, but tonight, I am just sad.

I am going to sleep...but first, I will be spending time at the foot of the cross, casting situations A-Z at Jesus' feet, because...you know what? They are not mine to carry and if I carry them into my day tomorrow, I will have no room to love anyone else tomorrow. Today, God's grace is sufficient for today. Tomorrow, God's grace will be sufficient for tomorrow.

Dear friend, if your heart is heavy with burdens, may you find the same comfort that I find in the following verses:

1 Peter 4:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Whispers...& a little therapy:)

God is so good:)

Even in the midst of the situation I am facing, God continues to remind me how faithful He is to my boys and I.

For the past three weeks, I have been "mentoring" a woman who is dealing with a lot of "junk" right now in her life because of decisions she has made. As I have shared my stories with her, the Lord, in His sovereignty, has brought back an issue from my past that needed to be dealt with. As I share encouragement to this woman, I believe God gently whispers to my heart, "Will you believe that for yourself and for your situation?" Oh, the people of God we would be if we only could/would take our own advice! *Big grin*

I stopped by Kelly Combs' (Chatty Kelly) blog today and she compared herself to Rocky Balboa in her recent post. He kept fighting even when he continued to be knocked down. I believe we get stronger every time we get back up from a "slam" that the enemy throws our way. It also makes me think of Paul in the New Testament of the Bible when he talks about "fighting the good fight; pressing on; forgetting what is behind; putting on the armor of God...and then STAND"; and so forth.

This was a man who had to, not only tell others to fight, but I believe He also had to convince Himself that He was a new creation! -Not the old guy who killed Christians- I don't know...I could be wrong, but when I think of Paul, I think of the man he used to be before he met Jesus...and then I think about how many books of the Bible he actually wrote, and how many people's lives he had to have impacted, and wondered how he got over his own feelings of a past full of regrets. Whew! (major run-on sentence, yet that is how I think of him). He is definitely a man who conquered in God's kingdom, and therefore; could encourage others because He truly made it over those "mountains" in his life, leading others to the freedom that Jesus Christ offered because HE HAD ONCE BEEN IN CHAINS, in more ways than one.

So, as God brings back this situation in my life, while I am mentoring this woman, God also whispers His peace, assurance, and "heart knowledge" that He truly will help me every step of the way, AS I follow His direction and guidance.

Refining fire? Oh yes.
Is it hot? Oh yes.
Painful? Oh yes.
Lifechanging? Oh yes.
Worth it? YES, because I know this is another thing that God will use, (is using), to mold me into more of His image.

So again...I declare: God is still on the throne, He's faithful, His timing is ALWAYS perfect, He is a father to the fatherless, and a husband to the husbandless, and He will never leave me or forsake me, so...do I really need to spend so much time worrying and fretting about every detail? No...I don't think so.

(Besides I think in this past week, I have gained 20 more grey hairs...SERIOUSLY! ha, and I just dyed my hair 2 weeks ago)

I thank God for wonderful prayer warriors and for ALL the people He has brought into my life! *Sniff, sniff...this girl couldn't be more blessed:) (I really tried to cry to give you the full effect of my "sniff's", but ya know, I'm bone dry in the tear department, and my heart feels a little too light to drown it with tears before I go to bed.)

So, before I go, let's all say it together, "My name is __________ and I'm DONE worrying too much! I cast all my cares upon the Lord and I won't take them back. He knows every detail of my life, and will take care of those things which I cannot control. God, I trade you my burdens for your peace, and I won't even feel guilty for not 'sulking' over this situation in my life. I will be thankful today and rest in your loving arms! Sigh...(Take a deep breath...) Thank you Jesus! Amen.....(Another deep breath)

There.

Now doesn't that feel better???

Weekly Ramblings

Adios to another week past, and aloha to the coming week before me... Thank you for the encouraging words from my last post. I love you gals:)

Wow, this -very emotional- week is over! Whew!

And, another -very emotional- week is on its way! Oh my!

But God is still the same God I served and praised when my life was smooth sailing. He still remains on the scene: clearing the unnecessary debris from my path, prepared to attend to the emotional wounds of my heart, ready and quick to work, being well-equipped to handle each and every crisis part of His plan that comes my way. Hallelujah!!!

I look back at the past 7 days, and feel like I totally wasted my time worrying and filling my heart with anxiety. The "what if's" and the "why's" and the doubting of my past forgiveness ruled my mind. Or so I thought...

I drew closer to God this week. I kneeled more at HIS throne. I fasted for the first time. I drew and did more artwork than I have in weeks. I sought out scripture after scripture. I talked on the phone less and spent more time in the Word of God seeking His peace and presence. I stayed home more, visiting more with God than with friends. I made more home-made meals for my family because we weren't out "running around".

I can look at all the things I did wrong this week (which would make me feel defeated), or I can look at all the ways God used my actions to draw me closer to Him.

My poor friends feel neglected as I haven't spend much time on the phone or in person with them. BUT, I am ALWAYS on the phone, seeking THEIR advice, THEIR comfort, THEIR direction, THEIR thoughts...This week, I sought those things directly from God...even though I have AMAZING friends!
God has truly blessed me with amazing people in my life, yet this week, the only One I wanted to spend time with was HIM!!!

The time I spent filled with worry and anxiety totally was not necessary; however, I had to spend time with God until His peace "shot down" those negative feelings.

Anyone who doesn't think God has a sense of humor really needs to walk a week in my shoes. I love the fact that God ordains things perfectly!

Friday, July 3, I woke up and started a new medicine to help me to stay awake throughout the day. (For whatever reason, I was tired ALL the time, and had to nap EVERY single day in order to even function). Within an hour of taking it, I was feeling great, filled with energy, and ready to go, go, go! Within an hour and 5 minutes, I received a phone call that shook my world.

Within two hours, I was totally ready to sleep and hide away in my dreams. Sleeping has also always been my comfort, my way to "cope with life. When life gets hard, I sleep...

Ha!!! So the past week, I have been wide awake, forced to deal with the issues at hand, face myself and my past...(did I mention I had to do this being "wide awake"???) It's funny because one day I really just wanted to sleep and take a nap. I lay on the couch while my boys entertained theirselves (they're 9 and 13), and forced myself to sleep. It took me a half hour to fall asleep and I only was able to sleep for 40 minutes. THAT totally is NOT me (without meds). I usually lay my head on the pillow, say, "Thank you God for sleep", and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, I'm out, no problem.

So, God totally ordained the fact that He wanted me to deal with life this week, instead of sleeping through it:)

Are you tired of reading yet? I'm tired of writing:) I need a nap! (lol, just kidding...well...not really)

Ahhhh....God is good. Despite whatever comes out way, God is good! He's beside us through it all. Even before it even touches us, God weeds out the worst of it, and lets the rest enter our world. That means that He totally knows what He's doing, He knows how He will use those things He allows into our life, and God knows that the enemy will not be able to destroy us or our testimony through the things he tries to throw at us. The key is staying near to God, listening to His heart, and seeking the God who created us. Jesus Christ died for our transgressions, and for our guilt and shame and condemnation...therefore, by us holding onto those things which He has already forgiven us of, we are saying, "Sorry, Jesus, the blood You shed isn't good enough for me. I'm just tooooo bad. You're going to have to shed more blood in order to cover my faults."

That totally sounds insane and insensitive, yet we do that more often that most would admit. It may not be worded the same, but our actions say, "I can't be forgiven," therefore, canceling out what Jesus did on the cross... Learn to walk in the forgiveness and grace that God offers through the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ...

So, as I face another week of unanswered questions and uncertainties, I choose to draw nearer to God, (and also back to my friends). Thank you God for Your unfailing love and for walking in front of, beside, and behind us in this journey we call life...

In His awesome Grip, Heaven

Question...

Today I am taking a break...

a break from the normal "intense" post...

I would like to ask you, my reader, a question...

As I have said before, I often wrestle with God on being so transparent on this blog. Clearly, I have been through many things for a purpose, and God is able to work those things out for His glory, but after reading everything I have written, I am puzzled and perplexed with questions.

I have to ask you, "Why do you keep coming back?" After the things I have told you about myself, what makes you continue to read this blog?

Would you mind sharing your thoughts?

I'm not a big "sitemeter" fan. I don't check it a lot, simply because it confuses me. But once in awhile, I will check it just to see if people are still reading. I am rather computer "illiterate", so again, I really don't understand the "facts and numbers" of it, but it seems that quite a few people are still reading despite my "transparencies".

Would you humor me today, and let me know why you keep coming back to read this blog? I am honored, but would still like to hear from you and ask if/how God "touches" you through this blog.

Thanks and have a great day in the Lord!!!

Amazing love...

The More I seek You...

"You will seek me and find me;
when you seek me with all your heart..."

Jeremiah 29:13 (RSV)

History Maker

As I was praying and seeking God tonight,
I stumbled on God directed me to
this video, so I thought I would share:)

I don't know about you...
but I want to be a "History Maker" for God!

History Maker by Delirious?

Freedom and guilt...

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Stand FIRM, then, and do NOT
let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Galatians 5:1

There are times in our lives when our past mistakes come up to "nip" us in the rear, natural consequences arise (whether immediately or hauntingly, even years later!) that remind us of the person we used to be. Along with the mistakes we have made, comes guilt, shame, and condemnation. Long after other people have forgotten and have "let go", we tend to still re-play those scenarios over and over, not forgiving ourselves.


EVEN since I have become a follower of Christ, I have made HUGE mistakes. Made the wrong choices, said harsh or untrue words, had impure motives, etc. We are a "work-in-progress", hopefully being renewed day by day...


With yesterday being the celebration of Independence for our nation, "freedom" rings throughout the hearts and minds of this country. I woke Saturday with a song of freedom in my heart, only to be bombarded with thoughts of self-condemnation within minutes of being awake.

The past few days have been unsettling for me...

An incident from my (Pre-Christ) past rattled my world...

But God didn't move once...

This was NOT on my schedule or planner!

But the timing was God's...

I am NOT strong enough to deal with it...

But God's strength is perfect...

I feel guilty, condemned, and shameful...

But God says "You left that life of sin..."

I feel alone even with others around...

But God says, "I will never leave you or forsake you!"

I am scared of the outcome, either way it goes...

But God says, "Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

I look in the mirror, and say, "I am horrible!"

God speaks back, and says, "You are forgiven."

I say, "But God, I feel so guilty..."

God says, "My Son shed blood for your guilt!"

I say, "I feel so exposed."

God says, "You will radiate for my Kingdom."

---------------------------
So, today, I refuse to get ensnared again in the guilt of the mistake I made years ago, when my life was full of everything else, BUT God.

I was forgiven years ago... and natural consequences do not cancel out God's forgiveness. By grasping back onto the guilt God freed me of years ago, I am saying, "the crucifixion and the spilling out of Jesus' blood for my sins and my guilt was not good enough!"

So, today, I go forward IN the grace of God that He has provided for THIS day! I will NOT be anxious for anything, but in everything, I will give thanks to the One who has not promised me an easy life, but promised He would hold me tight through it...

Celebrate freedom not only for your country, but also for the prison doors God has unlocked in hearts of His people. He has come to set the captives free!

When you ask for forgiveness, God is FAITHFUL and JUST and will forgive Your sins, as far as the east is from the west!

Accept God's forgiveness and forgive yourself for the times in your life where you "messed up". God's not keeping track...

so why are you???

---------------------------------------------
I am reminded of a song I wrote. I first posted it in this blog post, and also around this post, but am using the words again today...
--------------------------------------------


My Song
(c) 2003 Heaven Sparks


I turned the corner of my heart, I met him once again. He was haunting me and taunting me with the sins from my past. He said, "You'll never be forgiven, and you will never change. This stronghold you will never break, you are bound by your mistakes."

I fell on my knees, I hung my head in shame. Overwhelmed with condemnation, my heart buried in pain. When suddenly, God spoke to me and set me on my feet. He said, "You are not a prisoner, the Truth has set you free. You're not the same, not the same as you used to be."

I have touched Him
I have seen Him,
heard Him
whispering my name.
I'm not the same,
Not the same
as I used to be.


I said, "I'm a new creation, an heir to His throne. God is my Redeemer and He's claimed me as His own. Satan, get behind me in the name of Jesus Christ! I have been forgiven, my Savior's paid the price.

I'm not the same,
not the same
as I used
to be...