BREAKTHROUGH

Breakthrough

1. An act of overcoming or penetrating an obstacle or restriction.

2. A military offensive that penetrates an enemy's lines of defense.

3. A major achievement or success that permits further progress, as in technology.

Oooooohhhhh!!!! Check out the definition of "breakthrough"! Does it make you want it? Does it cause a passion to rise up in you? Does it make you wonder if there REALLY is more to this life than just living and dying? Does it make you crave it? Does it make you want to know if it's possible for you? Does it cause something to stir in the deepest part of your heart and soul?

If it does, I encourage you to hang out with me on this journey, because I am THERE! I KNOW it's possible for YOU to be here with me! I KNOW I'm going "forward" in life and will take anyone with me willing to follow! You can take it at your own speed...step by step, sometimes inch by inch...but I can tell you that if you do, God will "show up" in your life MORE than you can EVER dream or imagine!!!

I want to teach you, show you, encourage you, offer you hope, and be YOUR cheerleader as you walk with me. Often when I "get somewhere" in life, I don't remember how I got there, I just know I did. This time, through God's amazing, amazing working, I see the steps of HOW I got here. As God leads, I will share with you these nuggets of truth, as well as my real life experiences to back it up. I pray that God will lead the people here that need to be here. I pray that He opens up the eyes and the ears of those who have been lied to by this world that "THIS IS ALL LIFE OFFERS".

Hmmm...SO NOT TRUE! Jesus Christ came so that we could have LIFE & LIFE MORE ABUNDANTLY!!! For the first time in my life, I AM BEGINNING TO LIVE IN THAT- in my heart, soul, mind, and spirit!

So today, STEP 1- You have to choose...Do you want to come along for the ride? Do you want to go where God is taking me? Do you want breakthrough? Do you want to know if there is more to this life? Do you want to live life MORE abundantly and more joyfully? Do you want to start making a difference in the lives around you? Do you want to be FREE of the baggage holding you back? Then, take my hand and let's go!

Think about it. If you need to come back at a later time, I'll still be here. But I need to let you know now, that I AM going forward at however fast or slow God takes me. God is the engine and the fuel that drives this train, I am simply hanging onto Him. Sometimes I'll be at the front of the train, sometimes I'll be in the middle, and sometimes I will even be at the rear holding the hand of the one who can't do it alone! It is my goal to take your hand, link you up with the Heavenly Captain, and show you how to embrace HIS hand on your own. It is my goal to learn from you as well! I DO KNOW I am experiencing breakthrough after breakthrough and I WANT YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE FREEDOM AND PASSION AND JOY that I feel!

I want to SHOUT it from the rooftops that YOU CAN BE FREE! My heart has been held captive for sooooooooooo long, and it's not anymore!

So...today is a choice...

Do you want to go forward and take possession of "every good and perfect gift" that God wants to offer you? For today...this moment...you simply have to choose:)

Love ya all and I'll be back tomorrow:)

"God, where are YOU?"

Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me. Psalm 71:2

David must have been feeling ignored by God when He wrote this. "GOD, where are YOU? Why aren't YOU listening? I CAN'T take this life anymore!" I can feel the desperation in his words: RESCUE me; DELIVER me; TURN...to me; SAVE me!!! Can you relate to David?

Maybe he wasn't seeing instant results to his prayers. Maybe he felt like God left him. Maybe he felt like God owed him something. Maybe he just felt alone and scared and couldn't understand where God was at that moment. Maybe he was overcome by his own guilt and shame and wanted to hide even from himself as well as memories of his past poor choices. Maybe he was tired of living in his own "hell" and was begging God to rescue him. Maybe he doubted the presence of God in his life at that moment. Maybe everything in his life was going wrong and he felt so hopeless...

I know many people who are in that exact same spot today, including Christians: feeling hopeless and overwhelmed by the life they daily wake up to. The "same problems, different day." The ones who are beginning to wonder if God has given up on them because no matter what they do, they are still "stuck" and hurting. I know Christians who plead with Jesus to "hurry and come back", because the aching in their heart is on overload. Others "work, work, work" just to escape the jungle and cloudiness that has formed in their mind. There are those who drink, eat, shop, do drugs, sleep, etc. to drown out the pain. People are feeling hopeless and are tired of fighting! Tired of praying for things that never come to pass! Tired of waiting for "this God" to show up in their life.

It breaks my heart because I know people, including Christians, who want to die. Not because they want to stop living, but because they can't take the pain, sorrow, anxiety, and cares of this world anymore! BUT most people put on their happy, little, pretty smile and whistle while they work, so that others can't see the desperation of their heart. Others withdraw and isolate theirselves because they can't even pretend to be "ok" anymore.

I "get" that! I "get" the desperation in David's life! I "get" the thoughts of 'God is ignoring me!' I "get" feeling like I will never get over the mountain! I "get" being frustrated with people who claim that 'God is so wonderful', and yet He is not being very wonderful in my life! I sooooo totally "get" that! I "get" feeling like God has hurt and disappointed me!

I have been there countless times...

I got tired of "fighting battles" everytime I turned around...

I kept doing what I was supposed to do, yet kept getting knocked down!

People told me to keep "fighting", keep pressing on, keep believing, keep proclaiming, keep the faith...

...and even tho I felt crushed over those right choices that hurt sooooo much, and even though I was soooooooooo tired of pushing and pushing and walking forward and never getting anywhere (so it seemed)...I STILL DID IT!

...even tho I cried a million tears, slept hours and hours to cope, I STILL CHOSE to wake up and FIGHT the battle, praying and begging God to change me and "move" in my life.

I HAVE BROKEN THROUGH!!!

I PRESSED ON(Each day, God took the little I had to give Him)! I DID NOT GIVE UP! I KEPT SEEKING GOD NO MATTER WHAT MY CIRCUMSTANCES SAID! I KEPT BELIEVING IN GOD EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMED LIKE HE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO ME! I PERSEVERED EVEN WHEN, AT TIMES, IT HURT LIKE HELL!

I praise God for the people who kept telling me to press on! I praise God for the spirit inside of me that enabled me to fight day after day! I praise God that because I went through the things I did, that I can sit here and tell you "FIGHT" and "DO NOT GIVE UP!"

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES!

I KNOW THAT GOD NEVER LEAVES US OR FORSAKES US!

I KNOW THAT GOD IS THE PERFECT FATHER!

I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO BE DEFEATED!

I KNOW I AM HEALED OF DEPRESSION!

I KNOW I AM LOVED & ADORED BY GOD!

I KNOW ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD!

I KNOW I CAN LOOK FORWARD TO LIVING EVERY DAY!!!

I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW!!!!!!!!!


...and because I KNOW what God is doing and has done in my life, NO ONE CAN convince me that my GOD isn't real!

Soooooooooo, IF you are at a point where you want a different life, a more fulfilling life, a victorious life, THEN KEEP PRESSING ON IN CHRIST JESUS AND DO NOT QUIT! Find a Christian to "partner" up you and walk beside you to be your cheerleader! How desperate are you for change??? How desperate are you for freedom???

If you do not have Jesus Christ as your Savior, Lord, and friend...He will take you just as you are!!! But again, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE! If you feel hurt by God, give HIM another chance to show you how much HE LOVES YOU!!!

My son peeked over my shoulder, and said, "Mom, seriously, why do you always write about God? People are going to get soooooo tired of you and think that you are crazy!"

The answer, my son, is simply this:

I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT GOD IS REAL AND THAT I AM NOT THE SAME BECAUSE OF WHAT HE HAS DONE IN MY LIFE!!! I WANT OTHERS TO KNOW THERE IS HOPE! THERE IS MORE TO THIS LIFE!

Isaiah 61
¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners...

My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.
Psalm 71:23

CHARGE!!!

Today is a day that I have to FIGHT for my mind! I just got done tweeting, and I also need to put this on my blog as well!

I have always let myself become defeated by the voice of the enemy. Most of the time, the broken records are in my mind, so he doesn't have to do much work. I spent the morning sleeping to cope. I woke up and didn't want to fight today! Most of the time, I sleep when I don't want to deal with my life. God has put so many dreams and desires in my heart, and because of the way I feel about myself, I don't do them. Or else I start them, only to convince myself that I am not worthy to be doing them.

I look at other Christians as better than me because they "seem" to have it all together and I usually don't see their struggles in their heart. Occasionally, I lose control of my tongue. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I swear, sometimes the thoughts in my heart are not very pleasing to God or to myself.

The thing about self-defeated-ness is that I can do the destroying all by myself. My flesh and mind is not trained to stand up against the enemy for long periods of time. I can give the best "talk" or "pep-talk" in the world for someone else, but when it comes to myself, I give up before I even start. I hang onto the guilt of the sins I commit, and do not forgive myself. In essence, I turn down the forgiveness Jesus offers and try to convince HIM how horrible my sin was and how He really doesn't want to use me.

YET, there is a part of me that wants to believe that I AM WORTHY His love and acceptance and His gifts and favor and mercy and grace! There is a part of me that wants to break out of the cocoon I PUT MYSELF in and become EVERYTHING God wants me to be. I mean, come on, HE NAMED me Heaven, for crying out loud! Heaven-the treasured place where we all want to go when we die! There has GOT to be a great destiny for me and yet, I SLEEP!

Anyway, this is what I just got done tweeting, because I know I am NOT the only one being defeated by self-condemning thoughts!!! I want to share with YOU hope and encouragement that WE CAN step into those things God is calling us to because WE ARE WORTHY! We ARE GOD'S KIDS! And WE HAVE A DESTINY THAT IS OURS FOR THE TAKING (and fighting!)

TWEETS
Today is a CHOOSE TO "fight" day that I described on my blog last night. I feel like the baby in the womb longing to be born! I'm having spiritual birthing pains except I'm the one being birthed! I'm the one screaming to get out of this warm and comfy environment because it's not comfy anymore. I'm restricted and squished! I want to be free! I'm tired of being pushed! It's accelerating and I'm ready to breathe and live and move and walk in all God has called me to. I'm tired of being restricted within the limitations I HAVE PUT on myself! I want to stretch and move freely. I started dreaming again and I want to fulfill those dreams. I'm tired of being bound by my self-defeating excuses! I AM GOOD ENOUGH! Not by my standards, BUT BECAUSE GOD SAYS SO!!! I'm tired of believing LIES OF THE ENEMY! I'm sick of the broken records in my head telling me everything in life is my fault! Telling me I'm worthless! Telling me I don't count and DON"T matter! I DO matter because GOD CHOSE ME! I'm tired of starting something only to allow him to tell me I can't do it! I WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR CHRIST AND I WILL IMPACT LIVES! I will go forward! I WILL NOT BOW ANY LONGER to the smoke screen threats yelling "unworthiness"! Greater is HE IN ME than he that is in this world. I HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST! And when Jesus was confronted by satan in the wilderness, he did not BOW! He said...IT IS WRITTEN...AWAY FROM ME SATAN! It is written that I AM a child of the most high King! My worth and self-esteem comes from my Father in heaven! I am more than a conquerer and I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! If you are a child of the most high King, THAT is for YOU too! If you are not, GOD WILL TAKE YOU INTO HIS ARMS JUST AS YOU ARE, BUT you have to choose!

Be courageous!

"Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13



A soldier needs courage which Websters defines as: the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.


Many times in the Bible, God's Word, we are instructed to be courageous. A synonym of courage is brave which has been defined as:to meet or face courageously, to defy, challenge or dare. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.



When ever I read definitions like those of Courage or Brave, something from the deepest part of my soul rises to the surface as my heart longs to reflect those meanings. A "fight" awakens in me when I realize that I CAN "meet my circumstances courageously". A part of me becomes alive with that "fight" I usually don't realize I possess.



Soldiers aren't wimps! They are trained, equipped, and prepared for battle. They arm theirselves with artillery more than adequate for the battle they are about to face. A strategy is devised by getting to know the way of their enemy, and their plan of attack. There is a mind set that has to be meditated on and an attitude of defeat is NOT allowed. There is no turning back until they have conquered the mission before them.



Christians are God's army! Soldiers who are instructed to press on, run with perseverance, and to stand firm!



The problem I have found in my own life is my mindset. I usually am defeated before I even begin. I'm tired of that. I start on a mission, only to have the enemy say, "Boo", and I quickly retreat. Since when are soldiers supposed to be polite in battle? Since when do soldiers retreat when their enemy appears with a smoke bomb? Their mind HAS to be trained for victory and conquering!!! Their mind has to overcome the fear that they face. There is a point when the mission is "attack" without reserve, pause, or retreat.



A battle isn't fought through strength alone. The foundation of victory comes by strategy, action, and perseverance. I can imagine a soldier gets tired and weary. It's got to be exhausting to fight, BUT they go on because they know the victory is coming. They know the reason for fighting and they believe in what they are fighting for.



So, in this battle for my mind and going forward DESPITE what my feelings are, I need to girded and focused with an attitude of victory. So the next time my mind tells me this (as Saul told David in 1 Samuel 17:33): "You are not able to go out against this [giant] and fight him..."



I can reply as David did to Saul in the next three verses: "...When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, ³⁵I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. ³⁶ Your servant has killed BOTH the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine [GIANT] will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. ³⁷ The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine."

Grateful!

Wow, it seems like an eternity since I've been able to blog. For me, it's so different than journaling on my computer. Not sure why, but it is.

This has been a tough six months, BUT I'd do it again in a heartbeat because of all I've learned and the ways I have grown. For those of you who have followed my tweets, you have been able to share in some of those, but mostly only hints of events have been shared. I look forward to sharing with you the things I have learned in my time "away" from my computer:)

The boys and I moved at the end of October. As I shared before, it was a "total God move". Each step and moment of the way left me on the edge of my seat because I had NO clue where I was going, how I was going to move, and who was going to help me move. All I knew was I needed to move. My trailer was cute and it was home, but I needed to get my finances in order, and therefore, that meant downsizing into something more affordable.

Since our move, we have officially "settled in" and made this apartment our new home. The boys had to change schools, and leave behind what was familiar to them. Dylan adjusted quite well from the beginning. Zach...he's an 8th grader and this was hard for him! The struggles have been huge and heartbreaking, but they have also strengthened my faith, and pushed me out of my comfort zone as well! Ha, love being on the edge of the "nest" with God telling me to fly:)

My car died, and that took away my freedom to "go" whenever I wanted. I went through a little depression and had my pity party, and now back on the up-swing of life. I have been writing a lot and spending a lot of time in God's presence. There has been some relationships in my life that have been severed and strained, yet I press on, trusting them to God.

Change is hard, but necessary in this thing we call life. God does take us into His arms exactly as we are, but He loves us enough not to leave us that way! He takes us out of the miry clay, cleans us up, so that we can help others out of that same pit. Praise God that someone went before me so they could help pull me out!

I have learned a lot about God and His character during this time. I have had some incredible revelations concerning His love, and lately, the authority He has given us in Christ Jesus! I love the journey I've been on even though it's been difficult...

I have also been drawing more, sewing more, and singing more. My drawing has shifted a bit, not sure what to make of that, or where that is headed, but it's cool. There are so many things God is showing me, and I have to be careful not to go before Him and jump ahead. THAT is fun, fun.

I'm just glad to be back. I thought I would be writing a profound post once I sat down, but as I sit in my chair, clicking on the keyboard, I just feel grateful to have this opportunity again. I am silenced by His mercy and grace...just thankful for all He's done for me in the time I've been away. I will share some pics at the end (just because I can!)

Well, thank you to those who prayed and encouraged and stood beside me. You guys ROCK! Love ya!

BTW, I opened my other blogs back up, so feel free to check them out as time goes by. Not sure what direction my "Heaven Designed" blog is going, but prayerfully will continue "Letters to God". Until TOMORROW (squeal!), toodles:)

Our new pet- Rhino:)

One of the drawings I did

Another drawing

Of course, our Christmas tree!
A couple weeks ago, Dylan
got baptized (will share more later)

Abba Father! Daddy???

This summer has been a turning point in my family's life and in my relationship with God. Let me tell you a story about two boys, two daddies, and a mother on a mission to answer the question... "who is my DaDdY?"

I know who my earthly father was: A man who Satan used to steal the best years of my childhood through abuse, drugs, and alcohol, yet was used by God to give me life. A man who I feared greatly, yet he stood on my pedestal. A man who wounded my heart deeply, yet held my heart so captive with love. A man who left my family time and time again, yet never left my heart...

You know my story: Abused as a child, grew up seeking love through sex, alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, and self-mutilation. My earthly father committed suicide when I was 15. I sought out male acceptance through many different avenues, the main one being shallow physical relationships acquired from a night on the town. Finally settled down, had two kids which Dr.s told me was never possible, and eventually got married, only to find myself in divorce court 4 years later.

I've been a Christian for many years, but there has always been an aspect missing in my relationship with Christ. An element of love that I couldn't receive because of my woundedness and my determination to never get hurt again. The element of being able to forgive myself and bestow grace upon myself. The journey of never "feeling" good enough or worthy in the sight of God.

Well, if you have followed my journey from the beginning or for awhile, then you have seen me work through some of those issues, one bite at a time. The epiphany of revelation from God zaps me, and in turn, I blog about it. I figured I had come pretty far...and of course, I had...but God wanted more...

He wanted me to learn how to dive into the ocean with trust and faith that I have never had to have before. He wanted me to give Him control of ALL of me, not just those things that are comfortable to give up... He wanted my broken of all brokenness, and my deepest hurt of all times, and wanted to transform it into something beautiful...

This summer became the start of another chapter of my life's legacy...

I started the summer with two boys, an ex-husband who was father to both our boys, and by the middle of summer, I ended up with two boys, and an ex-husband who was now father to only one of our boys, and a man from my past who actually fathered my other son.

WHAT??? Did I lose you??? Welcome to the story of the middle of my summer!

My past rose up from the grave and tried to destroy me, my children, my ex-husband, and our lives as we knew it. Now, it is the beginning of fall, yet we all still remain standing! Praise God!!!

To make a long story short, I had a weekend encounter with a man 14-years ago, that we found out this summer, through a paternity test, to be my son's father. A man, who thought of this boy as his son for 13 years, now had to share him with another man who was robbed thirteen years of a son's he didn't know he had.

Throughout the summer, Zachary came to know and love his birth father, only to have him taken away a month later. Dylan has been trying to find meaning in the midst of the chaos, and trying to figure out where he stands and how he fits into the mix. My ex-husband, has been dealing with several emotions I can't even begin to comprehend. The birth dad, now behind bars for poor life choices, suddenly lives with regret and pain because he is separated from the only son he has. And me???

Well, I have grown... and been stretched...and am learning to forgive myself... and have drawn into a deeper relationship with God. I have had to trust, and let go. I have had to look the people I have hurt in the face, and admit some of the most difficult things of my life. I have seen the amazing sovereignty of God as He has reached down from heaven and planted each and every detail of my life and my children's life.

As my 13-year old angrily had to question, "Um...who is my dad? and how did this happen???"...

As my 9 year old has dealt with, "Why don't I have two dads? Is Zach still my brother?" and the many more questions a 9 year old has...

As I look into the faces of everyone whose lives have been affected because of my poor choices many years ago, I have had to cry out, "Abba Father!!! Daddy???" and realized that I didn't know God as my Daddy... I knew God as I did my earthly Father... "loved him, but scared to death of him"; "feeling abandoned by Him when life got hard..."

How was I to teach my boys the love of the Perfect Parent- Father God- a dad who never left, if my view of Him was super distorted and "off"? Thus, another journey began...

Stand tall today! Be encouraged today! Rest in the arms of God today! He's big enough and He can handle anything!!!

Love of a Daddy

I am learning about the love of a Father- Father God...Daddy God...

I have had many practical applications and examples in my life of what fathers are NOT supposed to be. But...never really knew what a father was SUPPOSED to be like. My life has not been touched by a positive father influence, so when I hear people talk about their dads or Father God, I can't grasp that concept for what it is.

Well, God has been showing me little by little this past month as I have asked the questions and waited for him to answer (it's amazing what I hear when the distraction of internet, cell phone, TV, etc. are taken away)... He is answering and planting in my heart and loving on me as a Father should...

My boys need to know their Father God because their earthly Fathers have let them down...If I don't know what that looks like, how am I to teach them??? THAT was the first question I asked to God about a month and a half ago...

You ask...He will answer:)

He answered through situations, and real life experience, as my own heart's wounds were opened. He has been administering ointment to those wounds as He is loving me into a deeper relationship with Him. I can't even begin to describe the emotions and situations that have arisen in the past 2 months, even before I stopped blogging.

God is incredible and has totally met me in the darkness of my life's circumstances. The stone around my heart is beginning to melt and I am seeing God's love and direction for my life as love and protection, where I used to see punishment and cruelty. I can't even begin to explain that one...it would take forever!

I used to see a God who gave to everyone else, except me because 1) I wasn't worthy, 2) I didn't deserve it. 3) It would be taken away eventually anyway...

I have lived in a silent prison of not having any clue what this love looks like, and God has taken my hand, gently guided me through those doors, and showing my eyes new scenery, even though I have glanced at it all before at a distance. It's personal and it's for me. I am getting a tour guide of this love by the Father himself!!!

You know, this girl has to write! and has been writing...and will continue writing... unfortunately for you right now, you don't get to view my personal journal:) I am writing...and it is turning into a love story... And it's real! And I can touch it and feel it in the deepest place of my heart! And someday, I will share it! I will live it! I will preach it! I will direct others to the throneroom when they don't feel worthy enough to walk alone! It is a real life story - one of a Father who adores and cherishes and CHOOSES and seeks out His beautiful daughter, a beloved Princess!!!!

...and her name is Heaven...