Alcohol

"Don't always think that the people who "LOOK" like
they have it all together have no clue where you
are in life...because most of the time, those people
have walked the same path....
just in their own pair of shoes!"

Heaven Sparks



"Everything is permissible"—
but not everything is beneficial.
"Everything is permissible"—
but not everything is constructive.
1 Corinthians 10:23

I have meditated on this verse several times through my life concerning the things I have had to overcome, especially after God delivered me from my addiction to alcohol.


For ME, drinking alcohol is NOT an option!

Is it permissible? I believe so. Is it beneficial? For ME, absolutely NOT!

I LOVE the taste of alcohol...beer, whiskey, vodka...I truly do. There are many controversies regarding the consumption of alcohol as a Christian and I'm not EVEN about to get into them on this post. For ME, because I love the taste of it, because of my past, and because I EVEN like the way it makes me feel, I CHOOSE NOT to drink it!

"Well, that doesn't really make sense! You like the taste of it...You like the feel of it...yet...you won't drink it???"

Yeppers! You heard that correctly:)

For ME, it is NOT beneficial! Alcohol turns me into a person that I once used to be, and I don't like to be that person. Well, don't get me wrong; it was fun being drunk! I had the self-esteem of a woman who could do anything. I could talk to anyone! I could dance anywhere with complete strangers! I was funny and rocked the house with Karaoke! When I was intoxicated, I liked being that person AT THE MOMENT! I love the high I got because alcohol made me feel more attractive and more confident!!!



Soooo...that is why I DON'T drink now...

Because I liked it!


Still doesn't make sense? I know.

That's what God does. After awhile of being in a relationship with Him, He changes you. Things that used to excite you and used to make sense in your life, don't seem to make sense anymore...yet it makes perfect sense...and it's ok...

About 4 years ago, I spent the night with some friends while we drank, played cards, and got high. I woke up the next day...sick to my stomach, had a headache from hell, two little boys who needed a mommy who had an apparent hangover, full of regrets because I TOTALLY BLEW 4 years of sobriety and 10 years of being clean from drugs and I hated the reflection I saw in the mirror...

I remember going through that day with regrets and shame. I wanted so much to be who I WASN'T anymore, that I denied who I was...I believe I went another week (ha!) trying to get high and make myself "be" that person again (without guilt!), but...

... in the end...

...I was who I was...

Even as I tried convincing myself that I was still that same "party animal", I KNEW that I had said "good-bye" to that life years before...therefore, beginning the journey of trying to love the new woman I had become... started...

I am finally able to be a "dork" and have fun, and I don't have to have alcohol in my system to do it. I can write a song and sing it in front of an entire church with passion and everything in me...and without 1 drop of alcohol. I'm loved and liked MOST places I go, and I have gotten that response without being intoxicated. PLUS I can look at the reflection I see in the mirror without shame (and a hangover!)!!!

Hmmm....God is good!

Depression and withdrawal...

I lived in depression EVERY day of my life until recently (the past year or so)...

As a young girl, by the time I was 8 years old, I had been subjected to watching my alcoholic father severely beat my my mother & had already been sexually abused by two men. I'm guessing I wasn't a happy little girl back then. With those stats, I would have to say I've had depression at least 26/34 years that I have been alive!!!

I have learned over the past few months that when I need to evaluate myself (whether it be actions, attitudes, or heart motives), I tend to withdraw...BUT not like I am used to doing.

In the past, when I withdrew, it was because I couldn't stand being around other people. I NEEDED to be depressed. I NEEDED people to worry about me. I NEEDED to know that I mattered if I "fell off the face of the earth". I NEEDED to be the "pity party" for attention.

When I withdraw now, it is because I NEED to hear God speak to my heart loud and clear. I NEED to clear my mind of all of the distractions. I NEED to fill myself back up with God. I NEED to spend time seeking God's with scripture instead of seeking the voices of those I love and respect. I NEED to give the energy I have to my children before my friends. I NEED to let God revive, renew, and restore me. I NEED to bury myself in the Bible and teaching CDs and worship music. If I have exhausted all of what I've received from God, then I NEED to get filled back up so I can begin to give it all back out again.

The past couple days I have been dealing with some things. I REFUSE to give into depression. I REFUSE to surrender my destiny because of the devil's lies. I REFUSE to give up because things don't seem to be going as I hoped they would.

BUT...in order NOT to give into those things, I HAVE to surround myself with God, and God alone. Yes, there is a time to spend with people, and we NEED fellowship, but there is also a time when we have to get one-on-one with God.

God is always there waiting for us to talk to Him. WE ARE THE ONES who have to make the time to spend with Him. Do you know why I can post the things I do, or say the things I say with such passion and "knowing"??? Because I have spent time with God. I have gotten to know God's character by reading the Bible and because in the still, quiet moments, I allow myself to be "still" enough to listen, in my heart, for His direction and His encouragement, which ONLY He can give me.

I wouldn't have the strength and passion that I have if I did not spend this needed time with God! I wouldn't be able to encourage anyone with the words I write or speak if I didn't first saturate myself in the presence of God, my heavenly daddy.

So dear friends, I may seem depressed because of the withdrawal that you are used to seeing, BUT...I'm not. I'm just choosing to whine, groan, and complain to God first before picking up the phone to whine, groan, and complain to you. The funny thing is that by the time I'm done whining, groaning, and complaining to God, I'm already rejoicing, feeling hopeful, and ready to conquer the world again:) The great thing is that the speed of this "Training Camp" is increasing, so I'm getting lesson after lesson after lesson, one right after the next! So..... when I'm done whining to God, and feel like conquering the world...ha...another area that needs work "pops" up and I need to whine and complain and......all over again:)

So dear friend, even though it may seem as though I am depressed...I'm not. I'm just getting renewed and rejuvenated and rested so I can continue to do what I do best....love and encourage people:)

Got heavy shoulders???

As I've grown in my faith, I've learned that one of my gifts is Compassion. It's awesome to be able to encourage other people without giving it another thought. It was always the quality in my mother that I LOVED growing up! She was ALWAYS encouraging other people and ALWAYS had people at our house. I always prayed, "Lord, I don't want to be like my mom, BUT I want a heart like hers!"

If you have teenagers or ever WERE a teenager, then you know that praying a prayer like that is HUGE! At least it was for me, because even though I loved my mom, hello...I was a teenager and um...she was not cool...(at least then she wasn't!) (My friends always thought she was cool though!)

Well, over the years, I am grateful that God gave me the gift I admired most in my mother (and of course, the gift of cleaning & being organized!)

There are times when "caring about others" becomes burdensome. There are times when I get weary of "caring". There are times when the load gets toooooooooooooo hard to carry and I get exhausted from "caring" so much!

When I get overloaded with feeling other people's pain, I have to step back and re-evaluate the situation. Usually, I find that I am "carrying their burden" instead of laying the burden at the feet of Jesus and "caring for them". Then, I realize that I desire their freedom MORE than they desire it, and I realize I'm getting frustrated because I'm putting more prayer and "heart" into their life than they are.

Then....as if that weren't enough revelation...God shows me that I'M TRYING TO FIX the situation, instead of allowing God to fix the situation. Seriously God??? Yep.....

So, how do I know if I'm overloaded with someone else's problems?

1) Well, I feel it physically. I get tired easily. My body usually aches, with either headaches, or stiffness in my neck or shoulders. I then have to decipher: am I worrying about my problems or someone else's? Whatever it may be, I HAVE TO lay it at the feet of Jesus. My shoulders aren't strong enough to bear the weight of the world, whether it's my own issues or other people's issues. I then pray and intentionally BREATHE! I think when we are worried, we tend to hold our breath more, and we deprive ourselves of well-needed oxygen.

2) I'm thinking about this problem over and over and over, and over again! If I'm worried about someone else, I find myself thinking about them often and how they could just solve their situation if they would just ___________ (whatever it may be). If I'm worried about my own issues, that too, consumes my mind. We have to be conscious about what we are thinking about or our minds will spin and spin until we've found our thoughts spinning out of control.

3) I find myself resenting the person I'm "caring" about. I begin to resent the fact that they are choosing not to do what they need to. As I write this, I'm already finding anger rising up in me because I totally "see" the potential this person has, and if they would only_________, then they could overcome this trial in their life, and be able to walk in victory like God wants them too.

O-kay, so you get the idea.

Now...what to do about it!?!?!

It has taken me a couple days to realize what is going on in me, and now after figuring out that I am carrying too much on my shoulders, I need to do something about it. Well, I don't have to, BUT if I don't, then I am CHOOSING to remain irritated, depressed, and overwhelmed.

So, for me, I've had to first of all, PRAY, and PRAY some more. "Lord Jesus, You care about this person WAYYYYYYYYYY more than I do, and so I give You this situation and this person that I have "taken on" and have tried to "fix". I'm sorry for thinking "I" was big enough to "fix" it! I'm sorry for thinking "I" could make this person walk towards you. I give this burden to You, and pray that YOU intercede in this person's life! In Jesus' Name, Amen~"

Since I've done that, I haven't really felt any better, sooooooo...I have been in God's Word, meditating on scripture, listening to teaching CDs, speaking positively, constantly directing my thoughts away from "picking up that burden" again.

I STILL don't feel better after doing that....BUT I know that I know that I know that GOD'S WORD DOES NOT GO VOID! I KNOW that my feelings WILL EVENTUALLY line up with the Word of God! I KNOW that I canNOT live IN my emotions or BY my emotions or I will end up being depressed and worried and full of anxiety.

SO....I continue to pray...

I continue to speak scripture out loud....

I continue to seek God....

...and I continue to give back to God (over and over) my concerns for this person...

...AND I REST IN KNOWING THAT GOD IS ON THE THRONE & STILL IN CONTROL!!!

Roller Coaster...

I don't know about you, but this has been a hard week! Life was smooth-sailing, I felt like I was on top of the world, and little by little, I was getting side-swiped from every direction. And although this was a hard week, God was STILL here. He met me right where I was at and let me cry and moan and then helped me get back on my feet. When the next mudslide came, he let me cry and moan and AGAIN, helped me get back on my feet.

Jesus never promised us an easy life...

Jesus never told us we'd be without hardships...

Jesus never told us we would always be happy...

BUT...

He did promise to be our Rock! Our fortress! Perfect strength in our weakness! Our Shelter! Our comforter! Our guide! Our light! Our Hope! Our Joy!

He also promised that HE would NEVER leave us!!!

So............as this roller coaster continues to have ups and downs and twists and turns, I will put my seat belt on and stay firmly in my seat because Jesus Christ is the driver of this ride!


As I approach the top, I anticipate what's on the other side. With Jesus at the controls, I don't have to fear what I'm about to zoom into!


As I lose my stomach on the way down and feel like I am going to fly out of my seat, I hold my breath, tighten my grip, and go with the flow.


There are ups and downs of life, but through it all, Jesus Christ, as a firm foundation in my life, is the only thing that remains stable. Change is inevitable and expected...So why not hold onto the one thing that is never shaken on this roller-coaster-ride that we call life???

It's tooooo early!

I awoke at 5:30 this morning to arguing and loud wrestling in my living room. UGH!!! That does NOT make a good wake-up call, but makes a wonderful alarm clock (because I can't push snooze!). The problem is that I did NOT set my alarm, nor did I ask for a wake-up call.

After sending each child to their room for waking up everyone in the apartment building (ok, well me!), I began to stew and get angrier by the second!!! It is Saturday and I should be able to sleep in until AT LEAST 7:00, but Nooooooooooo, my boys didn't get that memo! I continued to ramble on to myself: "I am the mom and I do sooooo much for them and they can't even get along so I can sleep a little extra???? What about me? What about my rights? If only they had ANY clue how many times I have sacrificed sleep for them!!! Ugh..."

Well, that conversation within myself really didn't help my mood (or my level of gratitude!), and I KNEW THIS, but at that moment, I felt I had a right to complain...so I did!!! And I continued my little fit, (all within myself, of course), for another 5-10 minutes, and suddenly I felt a nudge at my heart. You know...the little voice that acts as your conscience... Yep, that one!.

Of course, because I must have been enjoying being miserable and complaining at that moment, I ignored it. "I don't want to be 'right'!, I don't want to be graceful! I don't even want to be nice! I don't want to think about anyone else but me right now! I'm tired! It's NOT fair!!!"

Ahhh...the lovely tantrums of a mature adult in an immature moment!

Ok, so you get the point. The nudge came again, and for me, that nudge happens to be God trying to get my attention. "Ok, fine. What do you want, God?"

Somedays, I totally picture that if I stood in front of God, He would look at me, with the same goofy grin I give others, and say, "Um...seriously, Heaven, really????"

This morning would have been one of those mornings! "Seriously, Heaven???" I suddenly felt as immature as I had acted, as I felt compelled to look in my Bible and take advantage of the NOW quiet moments at hand, since, of course, my boys were on a verrrryyyyyyy long time-out in their rooms.

Breathe in...breathe out...

I sat down, apologized to God for my attitude, and opened my Bible. I opened it to John 14 of all places! Well, to me, this chapter talks about love and obedience! Ugh...I knew where this was headed. The verse that popped out to me was John 14:15:

"IF you love me, YOU WILL obey what I command." ....Yes, that's it! If my kids loved me, they would totally obey me!!!

Um...another "Seriously Heaven?" moment came...

"If Heaven loves God, she will obey what He commands..." Seriously, God???? Do we have to go "there"? OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! It's too early and I don't want to be responsible this early! I just wanted to be childish and have my moment of "What about me???"

Ok, well, God has been showing me some ugly attitudes that I have still carried in my heart, and this verse totally just exposed my attitude and my sin. I had a bad attitude and felt the world revolved around me this morning.

"God, I'm sorry. Help me to become a better morning person!" THE END...or so I thought!
I suddenly ( I love suddenly moments!) saw this verse a little different...Not sure it's necessary an interpretation of it, but this is how I suddenly felt it in my heart.

"If Heaven simply KNEW how much I loved her (how much I desire her and have given up for her and adore her), THEN she would WANT to and WILLINGLY do what I have asked her to do..." *little baby "ouch"*

I "got it". It's totally NOT in the loving others that makes us want to be a better person...it's in the "knowing how much we are loved" that makes us WANT to be a better person...


So, this morning, I rest in God, who never complains because of what I do, say, or act. He simply takes me by the hand, nudges my heart, and gently shows me truth that leads me to repentance and helps me to know His love better.

I pray, that, you too, would be able to see how much God and those around you love you...

Motives...

May the words of my mouth
and the meditations of my heart
be pleasing in Your sight, O LORD,
my Rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14

Ah...I love this verse. It reminds me to check my actions and my heart attitudes, as well as my motives. I love the prospects that God has for me in 2010. He's promised to restore all those things that the enemy has stolen. It's so wonderful!

I'm also losing weight this year! Woo hoo! I'll finally be skinny, and pretty, and noticed, and...

My blog will touch many people, and my testimony will be heard, and God will make my name great, and...

My artwork is totally going to soar with God! I will FINALLY have something worthy enough to offer...

Music!!! I wrote and performed one song and now God is going to give me more songs, and people will actually be asking for me by name and...

HELLO???????????????????????

I'm sensing a "little" problem in my statements above. What about you???

It's so easy to get off track when we try to do things to glorify ourselves, instead of God! And it's even easier to "go there" and not realize you are camping right in the center of Camp Pride! Sometimes, it takes small whisper to get us back to a right heart attitude and other times, it takes tripping on a major stump to make us realize who we are trying to please.

I've had the "big stump" fall, and it was NOT fun at all! I want to be more aware of the nudges of God saying, "Um...Heaven...you might want to rethink that statement."

What is even more amazing is when I say "Yes, it is all because of God! The glory belongs to HIM! God, is soooooooooooooo great and is doing a great thing in me!", and not even realizing that I don't want to share the glory with God. I want it to myself! I want people to know how GREAT I am! And what I CAN do!

Yesterday, I "met" with God, and He showed me this in myself. The attitude that I wanted God to do these great things in and through me so that I would get noticed so that I would feel great about myself! Ouch!* Nothing like self-inflicted pain!!!

So, Jesus, once again, I pray that You would be glorified in all I do or say. That, as painful as it may be, that YOU would strip the wrong heart attitudes from me and plant the right ones in me. I truly am who I am because of who YOU ARE! I AM ALIVE because YOU LIVE IN ME! The only gifts I have are the ones that YOU PLACED IN ME! Lord, keep the words of my mouth and the meditations and motives of my heart pleasing to YOU! May I DAILY/every moment be aware of You and Your voice, that I may not trip on my prideful thoughts. Help me to lay them at the cross and leave them there! I thank You for still loving me and for not giving up on me! I welcome this journey of being humble before YOU! Please NEVER let me forget that I am who I am because of WHO YOU ARE!!! In Jesus' name, Amen~

New eyes

Last fall, the captain of the "Shame Train" took me for a ride down "Unworthiness valley", past "Get-out-of-ministry Highway", and at the feet of "You-will-never-change- you-are-a -failure Mountain". I made a stop at the "Seriously? You-are-stupid ocean" and wallowed there for awhile until I finally walked to the edge of the "You-are-doomed-forever Cliff".

I sat down and surveyed the scenery below me. It was dark, cold, and dreary... and I began to wonder if this was my punishment for everything I had done wrong. I'm not sure when, but Jesus whispered to my heart, "I never brought you here. You brought yourself here."

A light grew inside my heart and began to slowly invade and conquer the darkness that was trying to permanently reside there. Day by day, as I committed my heart and journey back to God, the light grew stronger and brighter, and eventually chased the darkness away. As I daily fought the battle in my mind, God continued to bring truth to the lies I believed.

One Sunday, not long ago, I closed my eyes and began sobbing before the Lord. As I worshiped Him, I realized I was standing at the top of a mountain, looking at all of the wonderful things ahead of me. I could see!

In that moment, God birthed a new freedom inside of me...and a passion...and a fire under my feet...and a boldness from deep within...