Depression and withdrawal...

I lived in depression EVERY day of my life until recently (the past year or so)...

As a young girl, by the time I was 8 years old, I had been subjected to watching my alcoholic father severely beat my my mother & had already been sexually abused by two men. I'm guessing I wasn't a happy little girl back then. With those stats, I would have to say I've had depression at least 26/34 years that I have been alive!!!

I have learned over the past few months that when I need to evaluate myself (whether it be actions, attitudes, or heart motives), I tend to withdraw...BUT not like I am used to doing.

In the past, when I withdrew, it was because I couldn't stand being around other people. I NEEDED to be depressed. I NEEDED people to worry about me. I NEEDED to know that I mattered if I "fell off the face of the earth". I NEEDED to be the "pity party" for attention.

When I withdraw now, it is because I NEED to hear God speak to my heart loud and clear. I NEED to clear my mind of all of the distractions. I NEED to fill myself back up with God. I NEED to spend time seeking God's with scripture instead of seeking the voices of those I love and respect. I NEED to give the energy I have to my children before my friends. I NEED to let God revive, renew, and restore me. I NEED to bury myself in the Bible and teaching CDs and worship music. If I have exhausted all of what I've received from God, then I NEED to get filled back up so I can begin to give it all back out again.

The past couple days I have been dealing with some things. I REFUSE to give into depression. I REFUSE to surrender my destiny because of the devil's lies. I REFUSE to give up because things don't seem to be going as I hoped they would.

BUT...in order NOT to give into those things, I HAVE to surround myself with God, and God alone. Yes, there is a time to spend with people, and we NEED fellowship, but there is also a time when we have to get one-on-one with God.

God is always there waiting for us to talk to Him. WE ARE THE ONES who have to make the time to spend with Him. Do you know why I can post the things I do, or say the things I say with such passion and "knowing"??? Because I have spent time with God. I have gotten to know God's character by reading the Bible and because in the still, quiet moments, I allow myself to be "still" enough to listen, in my heart, for His direction and His encouragement, which ONLY He can give me.

I wouldn't have the strength and passion that I have if I did not spend this needed time with God! I wouldn't be able to encourage anyone with the words I write or speak if I didn't first saturate myself in the presence of God, my heavenly daddy.

So dear friends, I may seem depressed because of the withdrawal that you are used to seeing, BUT...I'm not. I'm just choosing to whine, groan, and complain to God first before picking up the phone to whine, groan, and complain to you. The funny thing is that by the time I'm done whining, groaning, and complaining to God, I'm already rejoicing, feeling hopeful, and ready to conquer the world again:) The great thing is that the speed of this "Training Camp" is increasing, so I'm getting lesson after lesson after lesson, one right after the next! So..... when I'm done whining to God, and feel like conquering the world...ha...another area that needs work "pops" up and I need to whine and complain and......all over again:)

So dear friend, even though it may seem as though I am depressed...I'm not. I'm just getting renewed and rejuvenated and rested so I can continue to do what I do best....love and encourage people:)