"The one to whom we pray knows our feelings. [Jesus] knows temptation...has felt discouraged...has been hungry and sleepy and tired. He knows what we feel like when the alarm goes off... He nods in understanding when we pray in anger. He is touched when we tell him there is more to do than can ever be done. He smiles when we confess our weariness.
He wants us to remember that he too was human...to know that he too knew...weariness...He wants us to remember that our trailblazer didn't wear bulletproof vests or rubber gloves or an impenetrable suit of armor. No, he pioneered our salvation through the world that you and I face daily."
~by Max Lucado, "No Wonder they Call Him the Savior"
I am weary...overwhelmed... angry... sad... frustrated... disappointed... hurt... tired... uncertain... scared... irritated
This was a long weekend as I dealt with emotions over a past relationship... as I dealt with things and attitudes that were unveiled in my heart... as I had to wait upon the Lord for a miracle... as I seek wisdom in raising my kids... as I wonder how the repairs on my vehicle will be fixed... as I question God... as I let myself get emotionally exhausted.
We went out of town this weekend. It was good until my vehicle broke down. God totally paved the way, and came through, but in the meantime, as I waited upon God, "ugly" stuff in me surfaced. Anger, irritation, frustration, harsh words, short-tempers, and impatience.
Doubt seethed its way into my mind, and from there, it went downhill. For the most part, I deal with my emotions and thoughts inwardly, until I "vomit" everything at once. Even then, what I feel inside isn't even close to what comes out of my mouth or attitude. What bothers me is that it is there! It's like a volcano brewing inside with all kinds of "ick", and if people really saw the inside of this volcano, they wouldn't even take a chance at being anywhere near it.
The same is with my heart. I'm sure people knew I was irritated this weekend, but if they had ANY clue just how much was brewing inside of me, they wouldn't have wanted to even be in the same state as me.
Put a person in an old environment, and watch the old stuff start to rise up in them.
In my safe little house, and in my comfortable little environment, I can keep my cool for the most part. I can control my environment, and therefore, I remain controlled. Put me in an environment that I can't control, and this monster of rage tries to escape.
I thought it was gone...
Pruning...and more pruning...and more pruning...
Ugh!!! But thank you God that you love us enough to not leave us as you found us!
(I haven't visited blogs for a few days, and probably won't for a few more. Please don't be offended if it seems as if I haven't stopped by or commented.)
March 17, 2009
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5 comments:
Now that you know it's still there, more pruning! Sometimes I wonder if all the yucky stuff will ever go away (this side of heaven). I'm getting some pruning now myself. Or maybe it's just fertilizer. You know, it stinks, but makes you grow. ;-)
Pruning is so painful...but so necessary. Hang in there.
You take all the time you need. Knowing that you need to "prune" is more than half the battle!
Sometimes we are caught off guard and something creeps out that we thought was gone. We are shocked and appalled at ourselves at the same time. Heaven, all of us are challenged and tested when things heat up. I think you should read my post Doodling a Message to God just in case it triggers something you need to doodle to Him too. Pruning produces more fruit. Spring growth is coming soon. Wear your armor. B
This isn't the first time you felt like this and Honey it won't be the last. My heart truely hurt for you over the weekend. You are much stronger than I am and I give you KUDOS for even trying to push through those obstacles. I have seen my X inlaws family not because I don't want to bu mearly CAN't. You are facing those challenges right now and even after the DIVORCE is over the pain is there longer. You get angry hurt sad, regret, The what if's. The list goes on but you know what I chose to not walk with GOD i chose MY way because it was safer to believe in myself than something I couldn't see.. I have watched you through this course very cautiously not to criticise you but watch you conquer all I failed. You are a great mom you were a good wife and you are an average sister. an okay daughter but YOU are a Wonderful friend and I wouldn't trade you for anything.. I love you like a fish loves water...
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