I have always been known for my big feet.
My shoes are size 12,
so sometimes, it's hard to find shoes.
This is my 12 year old
stepping on my size 12 flip-flops last summer.
He was a baby once.
He was very colic the first few months of his life.
He lived in the baby swing or in the car most of those months. I ran the vacuum and the shower a lot. I don't remember if the noise was to
soothe him or soothe myself.
He developed a sense of humor
at a young age. I don't know if
that was to entertain me or
to entertain him.
He had a lot of energy as a child.
I don't know who ran more, him
or me (chasing after him).
We've been through a lot together...
He's been in foster care.
He's seen more abuse than any child should ever have to see. He's loved God. He's hated God. He's experienced the pain of rejection and abandonment more than I would like to admit. He's seen marriage and he's seen divorce. He's seen how alcohol and drugs can destroy people and families. His world has been shipwrecked more than once.
God loves him...
More than I ever can!
God protects him...
more than I ever can!
God has a plan for him...
bigger than I can imagine!
God is a better parent...
than I will ever be!
So...
why do I worry so much???
Some of his hurt came from me, others from his father. Some came just because he make poor choices, others because adults in his life made bad choices. Even though I caused some of his pain, I've always wanted to protect him...(smother him). Letting go of him was never an option, until recently.
In the past year, God has shown me that I have clung too tightly to both of my sons, especially my 12-year old. As I learned about spiritual warfare, I allowed fear to control his environment. "Unless I am there, you don't go." That means that he doesn't go to friends' houses because he might just have to learn mistakes from experiences. He might make bad choices that I do not want him to explore. His friend may not believe in God and therefore, is not a good person...
It's moments like this when I see my own written words that I wish I wasn't so transparent on my blog. I've been so busy sheltering my son from life out of fear that he might make a poor choice that I haven't allowed him to learn from mistakes, and seek God for himself.
Instead, I have driven him away from God and away from myself, creating an environmental of hostility and rage.
Now, being the wonderful bloggy friends you are, you will tell me that there are boundaries and guidelines that we have to raise our kids under. We do have to discipline and guide our kids in the way they should go. This is not what I'm talking about.
It is the underlying rebellion (fear, lack of trust) towards God saying, "If I let go of my son, I do not trust you to work out his salvation. I do not trust you to keep him safe and I do not trust that You will be a Father to the fatherless."
BUT...
If I believe the words of the Bible, God's holy Word...
(which I do)
...then that means that God will do those things plus more. He will seek out my son just like He sought out me. He will keep knocking on the door of his heart just as He did mine. He will love him unconditionally as He does me. He will restore and heal his heart, just as He did mine.
He is a good kid...
I am a good mom...
God is a good God...
That means that this journey is really good!
~So, Heavenly Father, just as Zach stepped into my size 12 shoes, I ask that as I release him into your arms, that You would step into his 12-year old life and be the Father and Lord that he needs. I relinquish my control over him to control his world, and I receive the guidance and direction of the Holy Spirit to direct him in the way that You want him to go. I release my ideas and standards of how I think his life should look, and I receive the wisdom to teach him your standards for his life. And Father, even if his relationship with You doesn't look like I think it should, I trust that You are working in his life and in his heart to make him the young man you want him to be. Protect him and pour the working power of the blood of Jesus into his life, In Jesus' precious name, Amen
7 comments:
Wow. Very transparent today Heaven. You're right we have to trust God while making good decisions. Just as we don't let a 12 yr old drive a car, we have to set safe boundaries while letting them do the age appropriate things.
I remember the first time I left my baby in the nursery at church. I felt like I would throw up through the whole service - just knowing she would be abducted. But I didn't go back. I just prayed the whole time.
Being a mom is hard work. Keep it up!
amen and amen again
You're sounding very wise today.
Knowing how much to hold onto our children and when to let them fall is probably the hardest thing I've ever experienced AND am experiencing.
It sounds to me like you are on the right track.
Also, don't beat yourself up for his past. Praise his future!
I felt your every word.
I remember very well when our boys were those ages, and it's so hard. The world ... is afterall the world, and can be a very enticing and difficult place. There were many times when our sons were much older than yours that we still said, "No-way, you're not going there." Times' we let them go....we'd trust them, til they'd give us a reason not to, and we spied alot! When you love your kids you try to protect them best as you can.
Hang in there... Keep praying...God's will be done!
Holykisses,
Lea
my son is 20 and I'm still giving him to the Lord every day (and then taking him back later in the day); I think I'm finally getting the thought that I need to keep him with the Lord; I could write blog entries about that kid and how the Lord shielded him; my prayer is that he will be used for the Lord's glory in whatever way the Lord wants, not matter how painful it might be for me
I totally understand this Heaven
betty
Just keep praying and teaching them in the way to go. Cling to the promise that when they are old they will not depart from it.
Heaven--I have been where you have been--holding on out of fear. But the thing that God told me is that "Perfect love casts out all fear"--and when I hold on too tight, it ends up creating what I am trying to protect them from. God is such a good God--full of redemption and grace, and we can not go back--oh but does He have a plan for our future!!!
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