DONE/ Emotionally "spent"

UPDATE: Decided to update this post... For most of my readers, you may have no clue about this blog scam I have encountered. Praise God!!! For those of you who travel here from way of another blog (from my posted comments), read on.

I reached out in love to a woman after her "blog scam" became unveiled. Through conversations (email, IM, phone calls, text), I developed a friendship with her. At one point I became pegged as her "mentor". On a blog I disagreed with, I spoke up for this woman using my real ID and name, and boy, oh boy! THAT was a mistake. Suddenly some of my blog followers were being left anonymous comments that I wasn't a good "blog friend" to have, my name and integrity was ridiculed, I received some nasty e-mails, and so forth.

Ah...sigh...I vowed I would error on the side of love and grace instead of hate and bitterness. I figured at least if I got hurt through "sticking up for her", then at least it would be justified because I was loving in Christ! Worse come to worse, I would get emotionally hurt. That was an ok price to pay for being loving. That is simply life sometimes.

Time went on, and the saga got bigger and just out-of-control. There were more lies, more "stories" all the way around, and I became quickly overwhelmed. EVeryone was convincing in why their evidence was the truth! Seriously, my "truth-meter" was overloaded, and yesterday was my breaking point. I sobbed uncontrollably as I told another party "I was done". I'm not sure what possessed me to get involved in the first place, but I did. Through a very emotional day, I e-mailed everyone involved and simply told them I was done! kinda' funny now, but that's all I could say over and over is: "I am done". I don't want to be involved anymore.

I won't take back my actions of loving and believing. I would take back my actions of being overly involved and divulging information, because I went against my word. I am not sure I would have commented under my real identity (lol) and I am not sure I would have gotten invested.

But here's the thing: This is the internet people! Scams happen! Tragedy happens! Some people are real and some are not! People get "duped", some people even twice or three times. We seriously HAVE to seek God on what is truth and what is not!

I believe God asked me to be an "advocate" for this woman, and that's why I don't regret contacting her and befriending her. Did I get hurt? YES. Does that mean I doubt all of humanity? NO. Does that mean I am careful next time? YES. But it doesn't mean I put icicles around my heart and shut everyone out (which is what I have done recently)

So do I believe God can use EVERY circumstance in this thing? YES. Did I make a few poor choices? YES. Do I regret it? NO. Such is life:)

I am guilty of loving too much and trying to be on "both sides".

I am without internet currently, so my visits here will be sporatic. To those who have e-mailed me, I appreciate you. I am o-kay, it's all o-kay, I will be back, and I will be back stronger:)

God's timing is perfect and therefore, this is a perfect time for me to bow out of the game....with ALL parties involved. I have no more information to offer, no more "secrets to tell", no more explanations, no more condolances. If I don't contact you back, please don't be offended:) When I do have a chance to get on-line, it's for a very short time. Be back soon:)

ORIGINAL POST:
I have encountered an unfortunate situation on the internet and I am taking a break from my blog. I am really pretty naive about the internet, and about loving people, and I tend to get wrapped up in my bloggy friend's stories and lives.

My greatest strength is that when I decide to love people, I love people with everything in me; my greatest weakness is that I love people with everything in me... The compassionate person gives more than what she has (whether physically or emotionally), and that has been the case for many years in my life. I'm emotionally "spent". I have an "in real life" I have been neglecting in order to deal with this on-line situation, and I seriously need to get back to it.

I have a situation in my "real life" this week that is going to be huge for my family, that has nothing to do with any of this, so please keep the boys and I in extra prayers:) Thanks! I will try to stop by and check out your blogs when I can. For those who are regulars here, you are the BEST!!! I am disabling comments, but feel free to e-mail me at heavsparks@yahoo.com if you need to.

Truth and love...

I was looking up scriptures on truth and love for an on-line situation I have been involved with. During my search, God actually showed me some things about myself. It was similar to one of those moments where you are sitting in church and the Pastor is speaking some awesome words, and you think of that person who really should NOT have missed "this sermon!"

It was THAT kind of moment! I was ready to "fire" the Word of God at some people, when God actually drew me back to the reflection in the mirror that I see daily...He not only brought me face-to-face with Him, but reminded me that I am simply a vessel to be used by Him, and that He ultimately is in control.

Ohhhh! I had the "perfect" verses to throw out there, and then justified (to myself AND God) that I clearly had the right to "lay down the law", or "fire of God", so to speak. Ha! NOT in God's eyes...

Because He is wonderful and sovereign, He also gave me a couple opportunities to practice these wonderful acts of truth and love! What an encouraging thing!

Well...I'd like to say, "Yes, praise God!", however, as I'm watching pieces of a puzzle fall into place as I write, I am starting to feel an "ouch" moment rise... (*ouch*) because I failed at one of those opportunities: a phone call with my ex-husband.

It hurts to do the right thing. It hurts to sit back and say nothing when you would like to pour fire and brimstone on people who vindictively hurting others. It hurts to love people knowing you could totally get hurt. It hurts to be truthful and honest, even when it means your reputation is at stake. It hurts

Sad...

Tonight I am sad...

There are so many things going on right now with people I care about and even complete strangers that I have compassion for over stuff in their lives...

...and I'm sad...

I know the joy of the Lord is my strength...

...but for tonight, I am sad...

I know God works out all things for good...

...but for tonight, I am sad...

I know the end result will be just fine...

...but I am sad...

I am sad that we have a real enemy who wreaks havoc without regard to anyone else...

...I am sad...

My heart is heavy. Seriously, I could cry.

Situation A,B,&C are my own life situations. Situation D is a friend's situation. Situation E is a family member's situation. Situation F,G,H,I,J is a bloggy friend's situation. Situation K is a new friend's situation. Situation L belongs to a woman I don't agree with, yet I still hurt for. Situation M,N,O is......&Z...

"Now I sing my A,B,C's, next time won't you sing with me."

...I don't feel like singing because I have chosen to carry situations A-Z on my shoulders. It's pretty heavy. One of the problems with having the gift of compassion is that I "feel" everyone's pain, even when I may not agree with their perspective. I defend those who no one else will defend...(well, not always, but usually.) The "underdog", so to speak. I get passionate about it to the point of "over-doing" it, getting too emotionally involved, and end up not representing Christ too well in my frustration. Ah...more of an eye-opener that I truly do need a Savior!

I am not allowing comments tonight. See, I know the verses that say, "be encouraged, etc." I know that, in the end, all will be fine. I know God will work out all things, but tonight, I am just sad.

I am going to sleep...but first, I will be spending time at the foot of the cross, casting situations A-Z at Jesus' feet, because...you know what? They are not mine to carry and if I carry them into my day tomorrow, I will have no room to love anyone else tomorrow. Today, God's grace is sufficient for today. Tomorrow, God's grace will be sufficient for tomorrow.

Dear friend, if your heart is heavy with burdens, may you find the same comfort that I find in the following verses:

1 Peter 4:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Whispers...& a little therapy:)

God is so good:)

Even in the midst of the situation I am facing, God continues to remind me how faithful He is to my boys and I.

For the past three weeks, I have been "mentoring" a woman who is dealing with a lot of "junk" right now in her life because of decisions she has made. As I have shared my stories with her, the Lord, in His sovereignty, has brought back an issue from my past that needed to be dealt with. As I share encouragement to this woman, I believe God gently whispers to my heart, "Will you believe that for yourself and for your situation?" Oh, the people of God we would be if we only could/would take our own advice! *Big grin*

I stopped by Kelly Combs' (Chatty Kelly) blog today and she compared herself to Rocky Balboa in her recent post. He kept fighting even when he continued to be knocked down. I believe we get stronger every time we get back up from a "slam" that the enemy throws our way. It also makes me think of Paul in the New Testament of the Bible when he talks about "fighting the good fight; pressing on; forgetting what is behind; putting on the armor of God...and then STAND"; and so forth.

This was a man who had to, not only tell others to fight, but I believe He also had to convince Himself that He was a new creation! -Not the old guy who killed Christians- I don't know...I could be wrong, but when I think of Paul, I think of the man he used to be before he met Jesus...and then I think about how many books of the Bible he actually wrote, and how many people's lives he had to have impacted, and wondered how he got over his own feelings of a past full of regrets. Whew! (major run-on sentence, yet that is how I think of him). He is definitely a man who conquered in God's kingdom, and therefore; could encourage others because He truly made it over those "mountains" in his life, leading others to the freedom that Jesus Christ offered because HE HAD ONCE BEEN IN CHAINS, in more ways than one.

So, as God brings back this situation in my life, while I am mentoring this woman, God also whispers His peace, assurance, and "heart knowledge" that He truly will help me every step of the way, AS I follow His direction and guidance.

Refining fire? Oh yes.
Is it hot? Oh yes.
Painful? Oh yes.
Lifechanging? Oh yes.
Worth it? YES, because I know this is another thing that God will use, (is using), to mold me into more of His image.

So again...I declare: God is still on the throne, He's faithful, His timing is ALWAYS perfect, He is a father to the fatherless, and a husband to the husbandless, and He will never leave me or forsake me, so...do I really need to spend so much time worrying and fretting about every detail? No...I don't think so.

(Besides I think in this past week, I have gained 20 more grey hairs...SERIOUSLY! ha, and I just dyed my hair 2 weeks ago)

I thank God for wonderful prayer warriors and for ALL the people He has brought into my life! *Sniff, sniff...this girl couldn't be more blessed:) (I really tried to cry to give you the full effect of my "sniff's", but ya know, I'm bone dry in the tear department, and my heart feels a little too light to drown it with tears before I go to bed.)

So, before I go, let's all say it together, "My name is __________ and I'm DONE worrying too much! I cast all my cares upon the Lord and I won't take them back. He knows every detail of my life, and will take care of those things which I cannot control. God, I trade you my burdens for your peace, and I won't even feel guilty for not 'sulking' over this situation in my life. I will be thankful today and rest in your loving arms! Sigh...(Take a deep breath...) Thank you Jesus! Amen.....(Another deep breath)

There.

Now doesn't that feel better???

Weekly Ramblings

Adios to another week past, and aloha to the coming week before me... Thank you for the encouraging words from my last post. I love you gals:)

Wow, this -very emotional- week is over! Whew!

And, another -very emotional- week is on its way! Oh my!

But God is still the same God I served and praised when my life was smooth sailing. He still remains on the scene: clearing the unnecessary debris from my path, prepared to attend to the emotional wounds of my heart, ready and quick to work, being well-equipped to handle each and every crisis part of His plan that comes my way. Hallelujah!!!

I look back at the past 7 days, and feel like I totally wasted my time worrying and filling my heart with anxiety. The "what if's" and the "why's" and the doubting of my past forgiveness ruled my mind. Or so I thought...

I drew closer to God this week. I kneeled more at HIS throne. I fasted for the first time. I drew and did more artwork than I have in weeks. I sought out scripture after scripture. I talked on the phone less and spent more time in the Word of God seeking His peace and presence. I stayed home more, visiting more with God than with friends. I made more home-made meals for my family because we weren't out "running around".

I can look at all the things I did wrong this week (which would make me feel defeated), or I can look at all the ways God used my actions to draw me closer to Him.

My poor friends feel neglected as I haven't spend much time on the phone or in person with them. BUT, I am ALWAYS on the phone, seeking THEIR advice, THEIR comfort, THEIR direction, THEIR thoughts...This week, I sought those things directly from God...even though I have AMAZING friends!
God has truly blessed me with amazing people in my life, yet this week, the only One I wanted to spend time with was HIM!!!

The time I spent filled with worry and anxiety totally was not necessary; however, I had to spend time with God until His peace "shot down" those negative feelings.

Anyone who doesn't think God has a sense of humor really needs to walk a week in my shoes. I love the fact that God ordains things perfectly!

Friday, July 3, I woke up and started a new medicine to help me to stay awake throughout the day. (For whatever reason, I was tired ALL the time, and had to nap EVERY single day in order to even function). Within an hour of taking it, I was feeling great, filled with energy, and ready to go, go, go! Within an hour and 5 minutes, I received a phone call that shook my world.

Within two hours, I was totally ready to sleep and hide away in my dreams. Sleeping has also always been my comfort, my way to "cope with life. When life gets hard, I sleep...

Ha!!! So the past week, I have been wide awake, forced to deal with the issues at hand, face myself and my past...(did I mention I had to do this being "wide awake"???) It's funny because one day I really just wanted to sleep and take a nap. I lay on the couch while my boys entertained theirselves (they're 9 and 13), and forced myself to sleep. It took me a half hour to fall asleep and I only was able to sleep for 40 minutes. THAT totally is NOT me (without meds). I usually lay my head on the pillow, say, "Thank you God for sleep", and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, I'm out, no problem.

So, God totally ordained the fact that He wanted me to deal with life this week, instead of sleeping through it:)

Are you tired of reading yet? I'm tired of writing:) I need a nap! (lol, just kidding...well...not really)

Ahhhh....God is good. Despite whatever comes out way, God is good! He's beside us through it all. Even before it even touches us, God weeds out the worst of it, and lets the rest enter our world. That means that He totally knows what He's doing, He knows how He will use those things He allows into our life, and God knows that the enemy will not be able to destroy us or our testimony through the things he tries to throw at us. The key is staying near to God, listening to His heart, and seeking the God who created us. Jesus Christ died for our transgressions, and for our guilt and shame and condemnation...therefore, by us holding onto those things which He has already forgiven us of, we are saying, "Sorry, Jesus, the blood You shed isn't good enough for me. I'm just tooooo bad. You're going to have to shed more blood in order to cover my faults."

That totally sounds insane and insensitive, yet we do that more often that most would admit. It may not be worded the same, but our actions say, "I can't be forgiven," therefore, canceling out what Jesus did on the cross... Learn to walk in the forgiveness and grace that God offers through the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ...

So, as I face another week of unanswered questions and uncertainties, I choose to draw nearer to God, (and also back to my friends). Thank you God for Your unfailing love and for walking in front of, beside, and behind us in this journey we call life...

In His awesome Grip, Heaven

Question...

Today I am taking a break...

a break from the normal "intense" post...

I would like to ask you, my reader, a question...

As I have said before, I often wrestle with God on being so transparent on this blog. Clearly, I have been through many things for a purpose, and God is able to work those things out for His glory, but after reading everything I have written, I am puzzled and perplexed with questions.

I have to ask you, "Why do you keep coming back?" After the things I have told you about myself, what makes you continue to read this blog?

Would you mind sharing your thoughts?

I'm not a big "sitemeter" fan. I don't check it a lot, simply because it confuses me. But once in awhile, I will check it just to see if people are still reading. I am rather computer "illiterate", so again, I really don't understand the "facts and numbers" of it, but it seems that quite a few people are still reading despite my "transparencies".

Would you humor me today, and let me know why you keep coming back to read this blog? I am honored, but would still like to hear from you and ask if/how God "touches" you through this blog.

Thanks and have a great day in the Lord!!!

Amazing love...