Who am I Lord?

1 Chronicles 17:16 Then  King David went in and sat before the Lord, and he said: "Who am I, Lord God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far.

God gave me a section of verses in 1 Chronicles 17 many years ago. This is one of them. At the time He gave them to me, I wasn't in a place where I could receive them. I was in a bad place financially. I was having a hard time being a mom. Life wasn't very fun and I had no clue why He gave me these verses.

Lately, I have been pondering the above verse. I feel like God has brought my boys and I so far in the past couple years. We all have favor in our jobs with our co-workers and bosses. We all are stable and confident in our jobs. We are just in a good place emotionally, physically and financially.

As I think about how far we have come, I think, "Who am I Lord that you have brought us this far? What makes us special?"

I am in awe of His goodness and grace.

It's not failing

A couple weeks ago, I posted about fasting. God told me not to expect perfection, but progress....baby steps.

I'm still on this fast and I'm failing doing it about 60% of the time. The first time when I failed didn't follow the fast as planned, I was really hard on myself and a little disgruntled with God.

"See, I knew I couldn't do it! Why did you ask me to do it?"
"I always fail at this. Why try?"
"I may as well stop since I blew it."

And in His signature, small whisper, I heard in my heart, "There's always next time."

The voice that beat me up was mine. The voice that encouraged was His.

So, I thought, "What do I have to lose? I'll do it next time," And sure enough, I did. And I did it the time after that. And the time after that. And the time after that, I failed fell short. 

God asked me permission to step right dab in the middle of one of my habits so He can change my routine and my patterns. He's asked me to stretch myself and think outside of the box. Concerning that habit, I hear, "Can you wait 5 more minutes", So I wait...and I succeed. I do what I set out to do with this fast. Sometimes I don't' wait that 5 minutes. In my mind, I fail. He simply says, "Next time".

I've always been the type of person that gives up on something if I can't do it perfectly. I almost think it's a self-sabotaging mindset I have. It's like I set myself up to fail so I can say, "Told you so." God is changing this mindset in me.

See, God isn't calling me a failure if I don't operate in the way He's called me to. He just keeps on telling me, "next time. You'll do it next time."

Eventually, I will have a success rate of 75%, and then 80%, and then 90%, and so forth. Baby steps...one 5 minute period at a time... 

I think the success comes in continuing on this journey. I don't think the success comes in the completion of the task at hand, but rather, in the fact that I'm not giving up. I'm striving for progress,  not perfection.

Trusting God

My son has been pretty sick lately. Even though he's an adult, I still worry about him. I probably get annoying as I ask the same questions over and over. 

"Have you done a nebulizer treatment lately?"

"Are you drinking enough water?"
"How are you feeling?"

Today we were at the clinic for the 3rd time in 4 days. The doctor said he just has a nasty virus. One that just needs to run its course. 

Oh, how this frustrates me as I watch him struggle to catch his breath after a coughing spell. It makes me wish I could take it away from him. I wish I could pray it away for him.

But I cannot. 

And it stinks.

But I trust in God that this, too, shall pass. This will not stay past the appointed time. This will run its course and he will, hopefully soon, be in better health.

I always feel helpless when I watch my boys go through something hard. But I know if I love them and want the best for them, how much more does God love them and want the best for them. This gives me comfort.

 I pray for God to get them through each thing that comes their way. 

And.....He does! 

Everytime!

And they come out stronger on the other side.

So, once again, I trust the God of the universe to hold my precious son and nurture him back to health.

God's eyes

I have noticed as I drive at night that my vision isn't as it used to be. I have a hard time seeing signs and things are more blurry than normal. It has been this way for awhile now. I even went to the eye doctor and he said my eyes are fine. So I have been praying.

Praying that God heals my night vision. Praying for God's eyes. Praying for the vision of Jesus Christ. 

Many months ago, I started making daily declarations over my life. I have a daily "mantra" I say over myself. It goes something like this:

"I am equipped and qualified for this day. I am blessed and highly favored everywhere I go. I have the joy of the Lord as my strength. Great things are happening. I live in joyful expectation. No weapon formed against the boys and I will prosper in Jesus name. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. I hear God's voice."

I add things depending on what my day holds. I have begun to see God's favor in my life everywhere I go. I still don't have joy, but I wait in expectation for that day. I do know that sometimes we have to speak to ourselves and encourage ourselves.

There is power in the tongue. Both blessings and curses come from how we speak to ourselves, so although I still need work, I strive to speak God's goodness into my life.

On the way to work tonight, I was praying for God's eyes because the road was hard to see, Although I'm praying for the manifestation of better physical vision, I realized God is not limited to heal only my physical vision. By praying for God's eyes, I'm giving Him permission to heal my spiritual eyes as well.

Oh, how I long to see things as God sees things! I long to have His vision. I long to see people and the world through His eyes.

As I speak these declarations and prayers into my life, I expect that He will answer them. It may not be today, or tomorrow, but I know the day will come when my night vision will be better. And it may not be today, or tomorrow, but I know my spiritual vision will also be better!

Fasting

God has me fasting right now. I'm not fasting food, but something else. I really have felt that God wants to shift my focus right now. Shift some habits. And shift my mentality.

My friend mentioned fasting yesterday. I immediately thought, "heck no!" Fasting and I do not have a good relationship. Fasting is something I always have failed at. Fasting makes me a failure and I detest it. Fasting is something good Christians are supposed to do in order to get God to do something for them. Fasting and I do not have a good relationship.

Within an hour of my friend mentioning fasting, God brought something to mind for me to fast, but it was way out of the box, that I discredited it. A couple hours later, I began fasting that thing. I wasn't going to tell my friend because I wanted to see if I could be a success at it first before announcing this to her. I wanted a chance to not be a failure at it, so I could say, "Hey, look at me! I'm fasting! Yeah me! Sister "good" Christian. I also had to make sure I really heard from God!

I don't have a time line for this fast. BUT I know in the 24 hours I have been fasting, God has already changed my thinking so much. He's changing habits. He's opening my eyes. He's speaking. He's out of the box and encouraging me to come out of the box as well.

I don't know the outcome of this fast, but I do know that He's changing me. He doesn't expect me to do anything in order for Him to bless me. He's not taking or withholding things from me. He's not expecting perfection. He doesn't call me a failure. He isn't sitting up there saying, "Do this or I won't do that." 

I'm excited to see how this journey progresses.

Depression and medicine

At some point over the past year, I stopped having hobbies. 

I used to read and paint and do artsy-crafty stuff. I used to sing and listen to music and play keyboard. I used to volunteer and go for coffee and just chill. 

Over the past year, I have lost interest in these things. I will go to try to do something and the motivation and interest is gone. I think part of the problem is the medicine I am on for depression and anxiety. I think it numbs me...but it keeps me stable so I stay on it.

My Dr. recently quit, so I have an appointment with a new Dr. at the end of the month. With my previous Dr., I mentioned how I feel the medicine is numbing me and she didn't seem to eager to find another option. I mentioned it to her at two different appointments, and she said my options were limited because I have been on so many different types of medicines.

I've been medicated since the age of 16! That's crazy if  you think about it. Over 18 different anti-depressants! The doctor will find one that works, but over a couple of years, they stop working and we're back to square one again. 

Back to the topic of the new Doctor. I am hoping for a fresh pair of ears and eyes and ideas and insights. What if this doctor has a new idea for a better medicine? What if this doctor is the answer to my prayers to find a medicine that doesn't numb me?

I have hope that God will one day heal me. I have hope that one day, I will be able to be off of medicine. But until that day, I remain on medicine.

I used to have such shame that I was a Christian on anti-depressants. I used to believe that I wasn't doing something right or not doing enough to be able to live off of medicine. I used to think God wasn't hearing my prayers. I used to think I wasn't good enough.

The truth is that depression is a mental illness, just like diabetes is a physical illness. I take medicine for the diabetes in my body and don't think twice about it. I take it because my body needs it. So why should taking medicine for depression be any different?  I wish Christians talked about our mental health more. I wish it wasn't such a taboo subject. 

God, I thank you that you are healing me of the depression. I thank you that you have given doctors and inventors the ideas for medicine to help with depression. I thank you that You are faithful and that you hear our prayers to be rid of depression. I thank You that You give hope in the dark times. I thank You that one day I will be off of medicine. I thank You that You bring stability. I thank You that You go before me to my new doctor and that You have given her wisdom how to best help me. I thank You for never giving up on us. And I thank You that You have a plan and a future and that it is GOOD! In Jesus' name, amen

TV, puzzle books, and Mahjong

My new job requires me to stay awake all night. This means I have lots of time to think while the rest of the world sleeps.

I am working in someone's home, so I bring things to do to keep me busy (and awake!)

I work 9pm-6am. I go home and take my youngest son to work at 6:30. Then I come home and sleep until 2:00pm when I take my oldest son to work. I come home and try to sleep for a couple hours before I pick my youngest son up from work at 5:00pm. Then I get to do it all over again at 9:00pm. Thankfully, I only have to do this 3 nights a week! It has been an adjustment for sure.

At home, I don't watch TV. I watch Netflix, but not regular TV. Tonight I have been watching a marathon of "My 600 pound life". This show always gets to me and makes me think about my own eating habits. Food has definitely been a coping mechanism in my life. I'm glad that God has been working in my life regarding this.

I've also been doing puzzle books. Word fill-ins to be exact. This is so relaxing for me.  I used to do it a lot, but over the years, I just quit doing them.  There is a part of me that thinks "doing nothing" is unproductive. I have a hard time just relaxing. I have enjoyed this mindless activity, except it makes me think hard, so I guess it's not really mindless.  

When I start to get tired, I come to my laptop and play Mahjong. It's a matching card game.  I've gotten pretty quick at solving a puzzle. It keeps my mind sharp and quick. It's another "doing nothing" activity that I have to learn to do.

I think God is using this job to teach me to relax. I only have to check on my client every couple hours, so I have to find things to keep myself occupied.  I don't know when I started believing the lie that I can not do "nothing" and just relax. Always stay busy. Be productive. Have a purpose. There's always something stopping me from just "being". 

It still feels a little odd to watch TV and do my puzzle book and play my computer game, but part of it feels good.  I look forward to how this job changes my outlook on life.

I smoke

When things or struggles are hidden, light cannot penetrate through them. We all struggle with things. Bad habits creep in and over time, they become hindrances in our lives.

I smoke. I have smoked since I was 18. I started to smoke to impress a male friend in my life.  Actually, he asked me to get high with him one night, and because I had no prior experience with pot or cigarettes, I coughed and coughed and "wasted" my high. Or so he had said.

So I started stealing my aunt's cigarettes and hid away in the bathroom, forcing myself to smoke. Just to impress a guy, who I would rarely see after that.

I have tried quitting many times, and many times I have failed. 

Once, after my mother-in-law died of lung cancer, I quit for three weeks. That was the longest time I quit smoking. 

The desire to quit has been there, the willpower has not.  I've tried the patch and the gum and the pills, with no success. I even tried hypnosis once. It never worked.

When people mention my smoking to me, I get defensive. My ex used to tell me he would leave me if I didn't quit smoking. I just smoked more. Now, whenever anyone comments to me that I should quit, I get really angry. "How dare they tell me to live my life," I think to myself.

I know smoking is bad for me. I KNOW all the bad things it is doing to my body, yet it isn't enough for me to quit smoking.

I used to think I was a bad Christian because I smoked. The guilt and condemnation was overwhelming and I would beat myself up over it, time and time again. I no longer think that.

But I do wish to quit. I've heard all the tips and advice that someone would give a person who wanted to quit. 

I know, one day, I will no longer smoke. I do not know the day or the time, but I know God does. He knows exactly how many more puffs I will take before I finally lay them down for good. I pray the day comes soon.

I also know that this habit needs light to penetrate it, and only the Savior of the world can give that kind of light. So, I write to expose it. 

Tonight, I journaled in depth about this habit and the excuses I use. It's the first time I have really been honest about it. I pray this is the beginning of the freedom I will one day experience.

Until then, I will continue exposing it to the light as I get honest with God and with myself.

New Year

2019...

A new year.
A new beginning.
A year full of new mercies.
A fresh start.

I don't do New Year's resolutions. I don't follow them past 2 weeks, so I decided not to do them anymore.

I used to do words. A word for the year. I honestly don't remember what my word for last year was. In fact, I don't even know if I picked a word for this past year. If I had to choose a word, based on how the year actually turned out, I would have to say my word was growth.

I grew in confidence. I grew in my relationship with God. I grew in my job. I grew in the area of trusting God. I grew in the area of expectations. I simply grew... except my body shrunk by 30 pounds this past year. That is a good thing.

I've been thinking about a word for 2019, A word that has been spoken over me lately is success. I will be successful this year. Now, success is more than just money or a job. Success can be many different things. I don't know what that looks like for the coming year, but I claim I will be successful.

Successful in taking thoughts and fears captive to the obedience of Christ. Successful in walking forward in my life. Successful at making good choices for my life. I'd like to think I will also be successful in my career.

I just got a new job. Like literally. I am on my first night of my new position. I started 5 hours ago. What a way to bring in the New Year! Once I got off nights over a year ago, I told myself I would never go to third shift again. In the past couple months, I have been thinking of going back to overnights. I think God prepared me for the idea of this new job in advance.

Back to the new job. It is the highest I have ever been paid! It's the beginning of success in my career.

I've been thinking about going back to school. I think this year will be the year. I want to get my LPN and eventually be a hospice nurse. I don't know for sure if this is what I want to do. It's just been a thought in my head for the past two years. Another God preparation maybe?

I don't even know if anyone reads blogs anymore. I used to be connected to all these blogs and had "bloggy" friends. I don't even know who I follow anymore. Now that I'm working overnights again, maybe I'll start reading those blogs again.

And maybe next time, I won't be so winded.

Happy New Year to you!

Always, Heaven

I walk forward

This journey can be hard as I try to navigate my way through life. Sometimes I walk blindly, not knowing which way to turn. Sometimes I walk knowingly, yet still wander without direction.


I have walked purposely despite my ability to see clearly. Most days, all I know is that I am walking forward. Slowly, if I must, but forward yet the same.


I don't know where I'm going, but I choose not to give up. When the condemning voices scream, "You'd be better off dead," I kneel and cry, "Jesus!". When situations arise, I am shaken, but return to a standing position. When the darkness invades my emotions, I scramble to find light.  I have to. I have to survive. That is my only choice.


Despite all that comes my way, or the demons I fight, my only choice is to continue to arise! I have to. For me. For my kids.


I walk forward. Blindly, at times, but forward nonetheless.


Depression and anxiety clutch to my being most days. I feel plagued by the emotions that try to daily drown me. It's a journey I wish upon no one. One I can't explain if I wanted to. Every day is different, yet strangely the same. A situation could bring it on or my world could be perfectly still...yet it lingers.


I've spent years praying it off. I've been medicated. I've been in therapy. I've read hundreds of self-help books. I can't make it go away. I can't pray it away. I can't read it away or take enough pills to make it go away.


So I embrace it. And continue praying. And continue seeking hope and peace in the turmoil of the storm. I continue to seek Jesus as the author and finisher of my faith. I continue to seek His relief and His strength. I continue to praise Him for the good days and praise Him for the bad days.


I hang onto the hope that these bad days won't always remain. I walk forward and breathe when relief comes. Hope. Day by day. Moment by moment. I know I am not alone. For that, I am grateful. My Jesus is constant and ever-present, even when I'm not.

birthing pains

"I'm going home now."

"I changed my mind. I'm done thanks."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As silly as it sounds, this is what I said DURING labor with both of my boys. Of course, I had already been IN LABOR for quite some time, but I was so exhausted of the excruciating contractions. They came and went and came and went and came and went and felt like they were NEVER-EVER-EVER-EVER going to end!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you going through "labor pains" in your life right now? Are you ready to throw in the towel and "go home"? Have you changed your mind and decided this "baby" isn't worth it anymore?

Breathe! Find your focal point again! Remember the promise God gave you! Breathe again! Focus! Rest in between "contractions". Breathe again! 

Are you fighting for a marriage? A prodigal family member? A promotion? Finances? Healing? Restoration? A ministry? A loved one's salvation? A relationship? A child?

At the end of the labor process with my children, it took all my energy just to focus on my breathing, and to rest in between contractions.  If I focused on the pain, I couldn't focus on my breathing. If I couldn't breathe, I couldn't work through each contraction as it came. I had to be reminded to slow my breathing down. At times, I even had to be reminded how to breathe because I would begin to panic. When I panicked, my baby's heartbeat would go down. 

Yet, if we stop in the middle of the "birthing" process, we never get to hold the "baby" God has promised us: the restored marriage, the prodigal returning home, the teenager coming back to God, the financial blessing, the job promotion, the healing, the ministry, etc.

reflections

I write. I aspire. I dream. I believe. I hope. I breathe. I persevere. I persist. I advance. I try. I succeed. I hug. I share. I love. I think. I find my way. I get back up. I forgive. I accept.

I doubt. I despair. I sigh. I fail. I fall down. I isolate. I give up. I recede. I hide. I withhold. I despise. I sin. I step back. I lose ground. I stumble. I lose my way. I bleed. I hurt. I judge. I condemn.

Some days, I look in the mirror and my reflection seems to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

Other days, my reflection only condemns, judges, and points out every flaw.

Lately, I've had to face some things with my son that are difficult. Past decisions I made out of fear and selfishness. Breaking his heart. Causing him to feel abandoned. Giving up when I should have pressed on. Then declaring it was God's will...

I'm having to face my heart issues, unveiled, naked, vulnerable, and without excuse...unmasked...

...knowing I can't fix it...I can't make it better...I have to trust God to fix it...to soften his heart...to help him forgive...to help him go forward...

He's broken. He's angry. He has a right to be. I told him when he was little, "Mommies never give up on their babies..."

..."But I did." 

I babble...often in fact!

I fail. Often in fact. I let people down. I lose the trust of those I love. I fail.

I love. Often in fact. I love with everything in me. I love too much sometimes. I love.

I try. Often in fact. I try until I give up. Sometimes I don't try hard enough. I try.

I seek. Often in fact. I seek until I stop. I need to seek more. I seek.

I laugh. Often in fact. I laugh until I pee. I really need to laugh more. I laugh.

I withhold forgiveness. Often in fact. Mostly from myself. I need to learn to forgive myself. I withhold forgiveness.

I text. Often in fact. I text all day long. I encourage people through my texts. I text.

I paint. Often in fact. God has given me a gift. I don't always see the gift. I paint.

I write. Often in fact. On computer or on paper. I need to write more. I write.

I analyze. Often in fact. Always asking "why?" or "when". I need to trust God more. I analyze.

I hum. Often in fact. I'm constantly humming something. It annoys some people. I hum.

I give. Often in fact. Mostly unacknowledged. I'm o-kay with that. I give.

I take pictures. Often in fact. I take at least one picture a day. I like it. I take pictures.

I dream. Often in fact. I dream big and bigger and best. I don't know what to do with them. I dream.

I hope. Often in fact. Even in the worst of times. I have to. I hope.


I pray. Often in fact. I talk to my Heavenly Father, my Papa. He sustains me. I pray.

I babble. Often in fact. To anyone who will listen. Kinda' like now. I babble. 

Blogger junkie

I used to be a "blogger junkie fanatic". Spending hours trying to accumulate followers. Being defined by the number of comments. Feeling crushed when someone quit following me. Offended if I commented on someone's blog and they didn't even return the favor or thank me.

I used to spend hours reading blogs. Coming up with the perfect comment that would make everyone else wonder "Who is this wonderful woman?". Ha! I would comment and comment and comment on many blogs, visiting every blog I followed daily, seeking new opportunities to draw people to my blog....

After all...I was ruled by numbers. I was defined by the amount of visitors that stopped by my blog. I was smitten by comments left. I would be offended when someone stopped following or if they didn't put as much effort into my blog as I did theirs. I became sad and crushed when my sitemeter numbers were down.

THEN...Beccah & April Rose happened! I got 1,000s of visitors a day!!! I made an impact in the world of blogging. I was noticed! Eventually, that subsided.

I was important...well, kinda'...ok, well noticed anyway:)

I eventually grew out of my need for numbers. The number of followers no longer defined me. The number of comments (or lack of) didn't offend me anymore. I didn't need to run to the computer all the time to see if I impacted someone (good or bad!). BUT...

I also couldn't do the meme's anymore, or the "link-ups", or the awards, or any of that. Not because I didn't want to...but my perspective and direction had changed. I was writing for an audience of "one"... my King! And His "showing up" on my blog was the only thing that mattered anymore.

I painstakingly detoxed from reading EVERY blog I followed daily, and now, read only once in awhile.


I used to spend hours on my blog, not necessarily writing, but reading the hearts of my fellow bloggers. I used to comment on at least 30 blogs a day...well, because commenting leads people back to my blogs. The more people visit, the more of a chance that people will follow. The more games and things I link up to mean more traffic as well. And followers mean importance........ right???


This is where I used to be. In finding my priorities...I now write for the King. I spend very little time on the computer anymore. I don't Twitter like I used to. I don't even receive my tweets on my phone like I used to. I used to spend hours on Facebook as well. Now I update my statuses from my phone and get updates sent to my phone for about 10 people. I feel like I miss out on people's lives... but I'm not AS distracted... not as "driven" by the internet world.

ollow many blogs, but don't read everyday... I'd like to, but can't. My IRL friend, Sami, writes so beautifully and honestly, and I get to her blog maybe once a week and get caught up.

It's sad. I'm not a faithful follower of blogs like I used to be. I don't spend hours reading the many heartfelt posts my blogging friends write. I usually catch up on a person's blog once a week...one at a time.

I pray that God leads people here. I don't seek it like I used to.

One year...

Unchurched. Not driven. Confused. Questioning. Isolation. Uncommitted. Inactive. Unmotivated. Defiant. Reserved. Rebellious. Quiet. Internalized. Seeking. Asking. Knocking. Doubt. Fear. Withdrawn. Unsocial. Uninvolved. Bitter. Angry. Asking again. More questioning. Peaceful. Disturbed. Naked. Vulnerable. Stripped. Uncomfortable. Unsatisfied. Questions. Lots of questions. Seeking some more. Discontent. Changes. Pain. More confusion. Declaring. Begging. Praying. Ignoring. Walking forward. Retreating. Mood swings. Religion. Laws. Grace. Mistakes. Successes. Condemnation. Shame. Realizations. Accusations. Resting. Expecting. Hoping. Reaching. Marching. Running. Limiting. Not caring. Loving. Judging. Forgiving. Learning. Contentment. Burdened. Disgusted. Let-down. Inspired. Strong-willed. Relieved. Letting go. Joyful. Enjoying/hating...

Life...

One day at a time.

Each day.

Each moment.

One-by-one.

A year...how can one person experience so many emotions within just one year? How can one find so many flaws, in the life they have been living, in just a year ? How can one learn so much about themself, others, and God in only one year? How can one have everything "figured out", and end up being "stripped" of what they know, only to have them replaced with new revelations and thoughts, in just one year.

This past year has been a journey. I was silenced by (what I thought was) myself, only to realize that God needed me to be in silence so I could hear what He had to say. I have questioned my faithfulness to God and to the church because I just needed to STOP...stop all the "churchy-ness", stop all the unsolicited advice, stop all the "routines" and "rules", stop the "judging", stop the "finger pointing", so I could go back to being taught by Him...

Back to the "basics". But not to what I THOUGHT the basics were! Back to the "basics" HE wanted to teach me.

I'm not talking about "scriptural basics", theology, laws, rules, grace, or doctrines.

I'm talking about RELATIONSHIP! Not the kind of "relationship" we THINK we are supposed to have. Not the kind of "relationship" we hear others talk about. Not even the kind of "relationship" taught from the pulpit:

"Jesus 'loves/receives/accepts/forgives' YOU....(BUT will take away your salvation if you don't continue to be a 'good' Christian, follow the 'rules', and don't commit the 'unpardonable' sin.)" 

The kind of relationship I'm talking about is the kind that Jesus had with Peter, the man He KNEW would deny Him 3x. The relationship that Jesus had with the woman at the well, the woman who He knew would ruin His reputation because of His PURE love for her. The kind of relationship Jesus had with the disciples who would not recognize Him and needed physical proof He was indeed Jesus.

Let's not forget about Zacheus, the dirty, rotten thief who everyone despised, yet Jesus sought out intentionally.  What about the relationship Jesus had with the woman who was accused of adultery, about to be stoned. In today's society, she probably would have been called a slut or prostitute. Jesus STOOD UP for her, in front of all the religious leaders! In front of the community! In front of His friends and family! He gave her DIGNITY when she had none! Jesus saved her LIFE!!! 

I'm talking about the kind of relationship Jesus had with the close FRIEND who would betray Him for coins. Jesus loved this man! Judas was like a brother to Him! He was in Jesus's "circle". Jesus spent His last meal, and loved on, THIS MAN who would "narc" Him out and turn Him over to His enemies to be tortured and killed. Talk about greed! Disloyalty! Betrayal! Heartbreak!

This is the kind of "relationship" I have been having with my Jesus for the past year!!! THIS is love! THIS is UNCONDITIONAL love! THIS IS JESUS!!!

So......through my ups and downs, my good and poor choices, my doubt and unbelief, my anger and questioning, my lack of committment and "slacking", my thoughts and feelings, my defiance and rebellion....

I am finding "the" Jesus, I have always read about in the Bible!!!

I am finding out what "this" relationship is supposed to look like. I'm finding out what the word "unconditional" really means. In turn, I'm learning to love myself, and those around me.

I'm learning to open up my eyes to the people in the world around me...we really aren't much different after all...you & me.

---I pray God would "nudge" you into this journey with Him! It is NOT comfortable! It's NOT easy! It does NOT always make sense! It will NOT make you popular or help you to "fit in"! Your journey will NOT look like mine!

You MAY question everything you "thought" you knew! You MAY go back and forth, feeling like you are being the "double minded" person! You MAY resist most things you learn! You MAY be unpopular! You MAY find yourself gravitating towards, and apologizing to, the people you previously "outcasted". You MAY see your "flaws" in full color and you MAY just want to puke at who how you have treated people! You MAY be lonely! You MAY doubt! Your journey will look like YOURS AND JESUS'! 

If you say "yes" to whatever journey Jesus wants to take YOU on, you can guarantee that you will NEVER be the same! And it is soooooooooooooo good!

Blessings friends!

The "Holy" list

Somewhere in my finite mind, I have made mental rules "lists" of what it means to be a "good" Christian. Despite "knowing better", I frequently line up my flaws and compare them to this "list" to determine if I am still on God's "nice" Holy list or if I have crossed over to the "bad" "wretched am I" list. 

Now, I understand that you may SuPeR "spiritual" and may be thinking, 

"Heaven, that's silly! That's not how God is. The Bible says....x, y, & z."

I totally understand! 

It does sound VERY silly!

If I heard someone else saying such a thing, I would assure them THAT is NOT what the Bible says, and that is NOT how God views them. One of my biggest passions is that people know the truth about who they are in Christ! One of my biggest flaws is that I know who I am in Christ until I "mess up", sin, or make a mistake. THEN, I'm all about excluding myself from the race because I don't "measure" up. I don't "qualify" for the grace of God, because....ooooohhhhhh, my sin is toooooooo big! 

"I know better than to sin!" (my biggest chastisement to myself)

Most of us KNOW right from wrong. If not, we learn very quickly, whether through natural consequences or by being convicted of the wrong we do.

So......

Back

to

the 

"list"...

 Immediately Upon "sin"/mistake, I dig out "the" list from my mind. 

It goes something like this:

- "good" Christians serve God at all costs.

- "good" Christians don't "do" depression.

-"good" Christians do not make "big" mistakes.

-You need to punish yourself (suffer) in order to be forgiven.

-Your sin is not covered until grace because you purposely sinned.

-Don't repent & move on or you are "abusing" God's grace.

-Other Christians don't do THAT kinda' stuff.

-Can you say FAILURE!!!

-You "blew it" again. God's grace is running out!

-"good" Christians don't make the same mistakes over and over.

-Your sin is bigger than God's grace.

-"good" Christians would have it "together" by now.

Now, you may or may not have a similar list that you survey to determine if you are in "God's good graces". Look at my list. Is that list pointing back to Jesus or is it pointing towards my sin/actions/behavior? Is it filled with love and grace or is it full of condemnation and shame?

Check out this "list":

-You are forgiven.

-I remember your sins no more.

-My grace is sufficient for you.

-You are made in my image.

-Press on toward the goal.

-I ordained every one of your days before they came to be.

-I know you inside and out.

-I don't keep a record of your wrongdoings.

-When you are weak, I am strong.

-I love you.

What "list" are you living by?

Which "list" is embedded in your mind and your heart?

~Holy Spirit, I pray that you would open our eyes to see the glorious inheritance we have because we are sons and daughters of the Most High King. I pray that you would reveal the incorrect "lists" we have been living by. I pray that you would pour out YOUR Truth of who each person is in Christ...not just when we are acting "good", but all the time. I pray for Your Spirit to rise within each person reading this. Draw them into the Truth. Draw me more into Your Truth. Let the lies be revealed and a renewing of the Truth be instilled deep within each person. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Writing again...

It has been quite awhile since I have publicly written for I have been privately living. Much has crossed my mind and my life since my last entry months ago. Although I have written over 400 posts on this blog, I'm beginning over with this post. I'm not sure what the focus of my writing will be...

I just want to write again.

Sometimes, in one's life, focus is lost. Life gets distorted. Forgetting one's purpose can also disappear.

I write. I encourage through my writing. I love to write. I love to encourage.

I do not claim to be perfect at it. Grammar is not my strength. Expressing my emotions is. Sharing my stories and my experiences, to encourage another, is.

So, here I go again...

Trophies, pride, healing, and success...

Dictionary.com defines "Trophy" as a memento of success, a memorial to a victory, a monument from an enemy's defeat.

I personally do not have any physical trophies. I never conquered golf or karate or volleyball or drama (well, drama is to yet to be decided!), or any other sports or accomplishments. 


Trophies make people feel accomplished, almost special, set apart from other people. I guess that's why people polish their trophies and put them in obvious places so that others see them; therefore, leading them to good conversations about the memories surrounding their moment of victory.

About a year ago, God showed me I had a trophy room and I visited it often, (like almost daily) depending on who I was talking to or what I was writing for. I was shocked at the newsflash of my trophy room! God could definitely see my house, and I did NOT have a room full of trophies! 

But...God showed me I had a heart full of trophies.

"Excuse me?!?!?" 

How could that be! I mean people knew my life! It had not been pretty at all! The abuse. The men. The drinking. The drugs. The junk. I couldn't possibly have a trophy room in my heart! I mean really! 

People knew I used to be an addict. Was angry. Abusive. That is totally nothing to be proud of! 

Except...that I clearly was NOT that person anymore! I had come a long ways! I had survived many obstacles! In fact, it's a miracle I even survived all that! It's a miracle my body was able to have children! It's a miracle I could even function after such a horrible childhood, full of abusers and alcoholics and "innocence stealers"!

In fact, it was pretty amazing I could even share such a horrible testimony of brokenness, because clearly, I was a survivor and an overcomer, and because I followed God, and because I did x,y,z, I definitely survived!  I couldn't possibly have a trophy room! 

Dictionary.com defines "Trophy" as a memento of success, a memorial to a victory, a monument from an enemy's defeat.

I built a memorial in my heart of every single victory I overcame, every obstacle that I had walked through. Every painful memory had been rehearsed and refined throughout the years. I knew the stories by heart. Every detail. Every person involved. I knew what the looks on people's faces would look like as I described every detail. They definitely thought I was an overcomer...a surviver...a miracle...a strong woman.

After I realized my heart had trophies, I repented to God. I prayed that He would fix it, and help me destroy the mental trophy room that had become my idol and my encouragement when I felt like a nobody. 


Sometimes we "trophy" the wrong things. It's totally o-kay to be proud of an accomplishment, but be careful it doesn't become an idol or a trophy.

Shadows...

Shadows are all around us.

Some shadows are dark...

lurking in the corners...

intermingled with cobwebs.

(picture from the web)

Some shadows dance on the ground...

as the sun plays peek-a-boo...

through the trees.

This shadow is a reflection

from the pendant on my wind chime.

The shadow is much more beautiful 

than the pendant itself.

As I look at the beautiful shadow

glistening on the door,

I'm struck by the thought

that we, as Christians,

have much in common 

with this shadow.

 

You and I...

we're plain and simple...

...yet when we allow Jesus to shine through us, we are illuminated into something much more beautiful. 

It doesn't matter if we don't "measure up" in the natural; it only matters that we allow Jesus to work in and through us, so that HE can cast HIS beauty upon the world around us.  

I really don't think it's even about letting our own light shine...but about letting HIS LIGHT shine through us!

Just BE...

 the 

unique

 YOU 

God 

has 

made 

you 

to 

be!

Beauty and Perspective...

I love "beauty"...

I love watching flowers bloom...

Little buds spreading their petals...

Totally enclosed...

until they come to life...

I love the sun...

the way it shines through the trees...

casting shadows of perfection on the earth below...

I love the warmth on my face...

as the wind gently blows...

Even when it's overcast and grey...

I see the beauty...

Lately, that is...

I think I'm in love with the sun...

and the clouds...

I love pictures that capture a well trodden path...

The path that is worn from many footprints...

from those who have gone before me...

I love imagining the journey of those people...

with their dirty and dusty sandals...

who paved the path beneath my own feet.

I love to find the beauty...

in the things others may not see...

the hidden tree branches that have fallen...

the rotted old tree that still stands tall...

The greenery that managed to find its place...

among the broken cement and brick...

Some say it should not be there...

Yet I say, 

"Good job! You managed to thrive!"

It beat the odds.

Made its own path...

decided not to follow the crowd... 

 And then...

there's 

THIS 

kind 

of 

beauty!!!

Wow!

Breathtaking!

Amazing!

Yet I wonder...

do people see it?

Or is it just me?

It's so complex...

and profound...

one-of-a-kind...

unique...

a masterpiece, I say.

I see potential...

I see beauty...

I see hope...

I see life...

I see inspiration...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beauty is all around us.

Each one of us.

Every day.

In every place.

It's in perspective.

It's in the view.

Your trial is beautiful...

not because of how it looks today...

but because of what God can do with it...

tomorrow...

and the next day...

and next year...

and many years after that.

Your weakness is beautiful...

not because of how it looks today...

but because God can make it your strength...

one day...

if you let Him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's all about perspective...

It's all about the view...