When we become more "mature" in our faith, we sometimes forget that we, too, have a past. Sometimes a past of alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, lying, story-telling, etc. Because of God's restorative and redemptive power, our lives change (hopefully!) dramatically from who we used to be. I pray the woman I am today is not the same woman who will read this one year down the road.
Christ redeems us and helps us to "grow up". He changes our will and desires and transforms them into His Will and His desires. He takes our "failures" and turns them into lessons to teach us, and to also help understand others when they have a similar failure. He challenges us to be better men and women.
As I continue to think about this "blogging hoax" that happened in the past week, my heart continues to break for the blog author.
I don't know what hurts worse: falling in love with a beautifully written blog by a "single mother" and her "ill unborn baby" only to find it all to be a hoax, or knowing that this woman has thousands of people who hate her and now she has to live with her choices.
When I began to judge her, God quickly convicted my heart, and reminded me that I, too, have a psychotic history of weaving webs of lies.
Let me explain...
I know what it is like to conjure up a fantasy life, and then have to live with the consequences of those lies.
All throughout my life, I exaggerated details when I told or retold stories. Every lie became justifiable to me (just little white lies). As I would exaggerate details, I also added details. Over time, I began to believe my own stories as well as made up stories to get attention.
The story God reminded me of, when I began to judge this blogger, was from 2004 before I got married. My story didn't include a blog or a large amount of people, but "real life" people who believed me, loved me, and bought into my charades.
At the time, I had a relationship with my boys' father off and on for about 9 years, and despite all the in-between times we were together, my heart still longed for him. We had a very dysfunctional relationship. (Two broken people don't make a whole person even if 1 + 1 does = 2). I longed for him more than I longed for God. I didn't know the love of God as my Father.
Out of desperation to keep this man close to my heart, I told him I was pregnant. Within days, about 12 people knew, including his family, my family, and our Pastor.
I told him on the phone that I was pregnant. He freaked out. So, a few days went by, and about 12 people knew, including my family, his family, and our Pastor. The Pastor pulled us into the office again, and said "Make a choice: get married or stay away from each other". Granted, there was more to it, but that was the "jist" of it. We set a date for July 30th, 2004 (Yes, less than a month), and I was thrilled because he would finally be my husband. We made marriage plans, and two weeks before the actual date, I sat on the bed next to him, and told him I wasn't pregnant, and never was, and he didn't have to marry me. I told him I was planning to say I lost the baby.
He lovingly held me, told me how disappointed and hurt he was, then told me I needed to tell everyone else that I lied to. I didn't have to deal with hate mail or people writing online garbage, but I remember the pain and the tears as I phoned everyone involved, and told them the truth. I remember my chest hurting from sobbing so hard. After each phone call, I broke down crying, and fell back into his arms, as he would gently tell me "you can do this...it's ok". His uncle and grandma was the worst because at the time, I had so much respect for them, and I wanted to be liked so much. With each number I punched into the phone pad, I wanted to run and bury myself in a hole. The shame I felt was overwhelming. The thoughts of worthlessness were constant in my mind and my heart. I hated myself and thought how incredibly stupid I was, and I lived with constant regret.
Within 6 months of us being married, I became pregnant for real, only to lose our baby at 10 weeks. I felt that shame all over again, as I figured God was punishing me for lying in the beginning. As time showed, it wasn't punishment, but I believe it was divine intervention as God knew the events of the next 5 years in our marriage. There's no way I could have parented another child alone (already having 4 yr. old and 8 yr. old boys)
We still ended up getting married on July 30, 2004, and our divorce was finalized on Feb. 2, 2009. We weren't together for even one anniversary before we were separated. We officially separated for the last time in July of 2007, and not once, shared our anniversary together.
I seriously believe that our marriage ended because it was built on lust, lies, deceit, and selfish gain. There is so much more to our divorce, but like I've said before on my blog, I won't go into details.
My point through this whole thing is that we are quick to judge people, but in all reality, each one of us is only one or two choices away from making the "hugest mistakes" of our lives.
If you are driving in traffic and someone "ticks" you off, you have the choice to 1) ram that car into the next state, 2) speak words to yourself or the other driver of frustration, 3) or quietly pray for that person (You get the idea)
If you are angry at someone, you may think of hitting them, but you choose not to.
If your child tells you to "shut-up", your instant reaction may be to slap him/her, but you choose not to.
If you find yourself attracted to a co-worker, you may have thoughts of seduction and lust, but you choose not to act on them.
If you are sightseeing on a cliff, and think to yourself, "I just want to take one more step", but you don't because you don't want to risk the chance that the "one more step" could be your last.
Do you see where I'm going here? I am not at all justifying poor choices, but leaning toward the side of "We are not God! We are not the Holy Spirit! It is ONLY by the grace of God that we have gotten to the place we are today!"
It is only by the grace of God, that I can even share my story with you, because I am not still in that place of lies. In fact, when I do lie now, I make it a point to quickly retract my words because of the place I once was.
Am I perfect? Nope.
Am I changing and growing daily? Yep.
Am I still just a few bad choices away from making a total mess out of my life? Yep.
Are you? Yep.
Are we going to "go there"? Probably not.
But is the potential there? Absolutely!
I pray that the next time you decide to judge someone (which I still have to "check" my heart often), that you would be reminded that you, too, still have flesh inside of you that wants to "rule" your thoughts and actions. Praise God for HIS redemption and HIS mercy that allows us to RUN to His throne BOLDLY and with confidence in repentance, knowing that He forgives 100% of the time.
